i dont know.

but my heart won't skip a beat.

LMFAO

can i say i'm definitely in a better... uh... EVERYTHING? then all of you? haha !

i def. loved this weekend. what can i say friday was good enough to brag about, CRACKIN. the bestest thing that happen in cordelia in too long. saturday was a good ass chill/kickit thingythang. sunday, was a good day of work, and relaxing because i was in a super kick ass mood like i am now :)

i'm starting to look at everything so differently now. i realized how mature i became, with relationship issues, giving advice, with basically everything that has happened this past couple months.

i just think its halirous how things are going, because im definitely in a better state of mind, having hella fun, love the friends and the new ones im making, making that cash money, taking steps one thot at a time, boys or not i'm all good.

i really dont know what to say, im so speechless. like risking all of this... for nothing. i woulda been there for you when things went bad, if you needed help i woulda been then in a snap.

like wow..

i dont know, i just know i'm better off without you in the long run. i might miss you here and there, but whatever. i'm over it. this time, i think its for sure. :)

just think about what your missing out on.
you made a mistake, and mann.. your fucked in the game.
cas i swear i woulda made your life perfect as you would imagine.

and safeway crush THOUGH?!<3

oh lord jesus help me. hahaha.

"buy a boat.." hahaha

lmfao

i didn't get to finish my last blog cas i was in the process of getting bitched at, and trying to get burned by my dad.

so officially melanie and matt are part of the legal group. ahaha im still a baby :( but im almost there! i had a good ass weekend so far, i mean i had my bumps in the road but whatevs, its part of everyones day. my party for melanies 18, was crackin we officially we said there was like literally like 100 people in my backyard at one part.
and yesterday i had a mini kickit for matts birfday, me, melanie, matt, alexis, justin, blaine, danny and ryan. we hookah, smoked, took a shot or two, hookah, smoked again, chilled. it was hella fun, cas most of us were hella high talking about fucking ghosts and shit. hahaha. then the scary part was when ryan fainted and passed out :( he scared the crap out of me, but im glad danny was there cas he def knew what to do. ah, i think all of us got that to rethink of things we want to do, it was weird cas he was the most sober out of all of us. but it lead down he had hella energy drinks that morning, and probably got him hella dehydrated. ugh, man it was scary.

i couldn't sleep all fucking night because of my crazy ass bug bites, with i thin kare mixed with fucking spider and mosquitos. it fucking itches like a BITCH, i cant focus cas it hurts and itches. and i got work at 12:30. oh maaaan. i just found itch cream, and it kinda is working.... well see..

so i did some looking around in my room and found something that made me happy, but then again made me be like... wow. i read my old valentines card kevin wrote me. and it was hella... like cute, but then again it made me get one big rush of remembering all the good times we had, and i swear we had alot. and it made me laugh, and lightweight teary eyed.

"you always know how to put a smile on my face, when i am feeling down your are always here for me and if thats not love then i dont know what it is." -kf. 021408

and just shit like that, makes me miss things, and makes me kind of want to give you a hug, and look at you without being bad, and just smile like i used to. at least i know i made some difference and made your life a little bit more happier at one point. theres things i want to get off my chest, and say things i wanted to say for so long, but im at some point where i believe i don't want to anymore, because i mean will it even make a difference?

so therefore, im happy. i mean works good, i love my friendsss, i love these random nights, and i love everything, and god thanks. i mean im getting a sense of reality and how things work, and im really happy how i held up.

i got new crushes and what not ;) haha and we will see how that goes....

ahah! and hes not a flake! yay :)

LASTNIGHT; CRACKIN.

can i say i threw a crackin ass party? hell motherfuckin' yeah.

lets say it began with like literally lets say 20-30people..
me, melanie, alexa, kt, jasmine, morgan, danny, ryan, brian, catilyn, tiffany, erik, alexis, david, sherich, cj, oliver, ian, andrew, justin, blaine, alfie, justinc, erik, gitano, skyler+3, joe+3, mikhail+3, vandor, john, gio katrina, nykki, ashleeg+12, henri, tony, miles, aj, joe, vince, robert, ariel, bubba, john, mia, mimi, kc, jordan, b+2, vishal, jordan, roland, jeremy, porter,

i think im offically getting blind..er.. -_-

i think gods trying to let my body go through this all at once, haha because i dont know how i got sick, got my period, and my eyes are defintaly fucked up right now. it kind of reminds me when prom was around and i was scared i wasn't gonna be able to wear contacts :(

anyways, melanie is offically eighteen, its kind of like not a big of a deal.. but its like lightweight different... but oh well... but it kind of means my birthday is close then the year will be over and we get to start over. im pretty excited.

so bascially a bunch of us slept over melanies on weds night, to celebrate her bday. it was me, melanie, mimi, mia, tiffany, jasmine, reesha and lashanaje ( lol i probably butchered her name... but she knows i love her :) ) we ate pizzaaa, had an adventure outside, had her birthday blunts, took a shot or two, and finnaly taaa dahh! eightteen, sherich came out of the cuts and i made him laugh because i was super white while everyone was like black. hahaha. you just had to be there. i love lashnaje tho. we hella bonded and hella told each other about everything. like you would'nt except someone like her and i to actually sit down and have a deep ass conversation.

cas shes straight up black "ghetto. and im like your typical asian scene white girl. lmfao. it was nice, and it was weird cas everyone goes through the same shit basically. and its nice to know we all are getting through all the bullshit.

tonight i pretty excite tho, gonna see everyone and partyyy. but i gots work on sat which is like a total UGH. but iget off at seven i believe.

im happy and im forgetting and having fun.
so im all good.

and its weird cas im not trippen as i use to about boys and what not. like now im just going with the flow. and i think im gonna get off that for a bit anyways... cas its weird i thot i would be lightweight like ugh the fact that my friends are talking to people or what not... but hey im good. :) and im proud of myself. bwhaha

and i still hate school. lmfao. :)

i still can't breathe

"somewhere weakness is our strength and ill die searching for it

and i cant let myself regret such selfishness

my pain and all the troubled caused, no matter how long, i believe there's hope
buried beneath it all, hiding beneath it all and growing beneath it all."

fucking hayley williams is a fucking genius.

being sick is fucking horrible, and i still don't get how i got sick. i think its Safeway, customers, the weather changing in general. ugh my body can't keep up. haha. god dammit.

this week is just to hectic to handle, its very fucking stressful. with all the unnecessary drama, with party confusion, and being sick.. man its a big no-no. i didn't understand why all this is happening, and i still don't. -_-, ugh man.

i'm sitting here trying to think of what i had to say and blog. i always have so much things on my mind, when i drive places, or when i'm at work just walking around. but when it comes to this i just don't know what to really say.

i keep getting headaches from thinking to much then i suppose to, remembering shit from the past or just remembering images in my head bugs the shit out of me. i had this dream last night, and it was explaining everything that happen so far this year but in so many simple steps. it was one of those dreams when your watching yourself go through whatever is happening.
i watched myself from being so happy, to being so confused to being so fucking angry about everything.

i mean just seeing myself the way i was... i felt so fucking sad when i woke up and how fucking weak i felt. and i believe no one ever has to feel the way i felt for those 5 minutes. i wanted to give myself a hug, and destroy those memories i ever had of you and i. my wall seems a little bit more emptier the fact those pictures are gone, and my room seems more cleaner without those objects that have to do anything of you.

i never understood those closure songs. and now they make sense why people feel like that. love is a very complicated process, and i still can't believe i was even in it. first loves are hard and def. hurt more than i ever expected. i still ask myself was it worth it, or even just a waste. to be honest, i would be lieing if i said i regret it.

today when i was in the car with sherich, alexa and rachel and just watching alexa laugh and yelling at sherich telling him to calm down driving hella crazy, gave me hella memories when i used to be there. and then i remembered hella car memories with different people. memories with friends, crushes and kevin. it was a crazy squished ball of memories, of good and bad. it made me laugh.


ps: almost happybirthdaymelanie.
& my bhfl comes home officially December 17. wahoo ! :)

medicine please.

im sick, literally sick.
i cant breathe, woke up hella shitty. man and i got work at 3. i was thinking of calling in, but i need money, and if i just dont feel good when im there... then ill just tell them i dont feel good.

yesterday i had a lightweight good day. i finnaly got fresh air and hanged out with people i haven't seen in a while, and it was nice. oliver is hella cool, and mature for his age, def. was a good talk.

i miss skateboarding, i hella want to go to the ground zero skatecomp. last year was fun, so we are all trying to plan to go this year, and matt & morgan can maybe go to this time. matt hella fell yesterday, like the way he does.. and made me laugh hella bad which i def miss. haha. that guy.

yesterday was lightweight retarded too. i dont even have words for that either. its just like a wow, really? whatever, ill, everyone will be here when its done.

the way things are going now, im ready to relax because im starting to forget everything, which is def a plus at this moment but everytime i seem to say that something ends up happening, but ill be ready this time.

i cant breathe, but ill find my air.

horoscope

says : Open your heart and let someone else make the decisions for now. Let go.


im def tired, physically, emotionally and everything.

and im tired of this whole thing.

i been making love to nikki.

Shorty, I really wanted to be everything you need
Come on, come on, come on baby
Who knows what would've happened if you stayed that, that night with me
Come on, come on, come on baby
I told you to come and get with me, promise I wouldn't leave you
Come on, come on, come on baby
You never thought that he would be the one, one, one, one to deceive you
Come on, come on, come on baby

Now it's awful cold in the house he bought you
and I've gotten over living without you
Springtime, summertime, fall time, winter
And all of our love we had just starting to remember

But you was off the game
and everything done changed
cuz now I'm making love to Nikki
And I don't feel bad and no I ain't sad
cuz I been making love to Nikki
He was the one that you ran to
the one you gave your hand to
so don't say you didn't plan to
So every time that you think of me
know I been making love to Nikki
Love to Nikki

She loves me back

Now everything that he told you when you were with me, you believed it
Come on, come on, come on baby
Considering the fact that it was you, you were the one that was cheating
Come on, come on, come on baby
He told you I was with the girl up in The Palms
We up in the studio, shorty all on my arms
We all up at the park throwing back shots at patron
My whole life was in a lane, what kind of shit were you on

But it's awful cold in the house he bought you
and I've gotten over living without you
So springtime, summertime, fall time, winter
I'm here to leave you with the last thing you remember

See you was off the game
but now everything is changed
cuz I've been making love to Nikki
And no I ain't mad, hell no I ain't sad
shorty I been making love to Nikki
He was the one that you ran to
the one you gave your hand to
so don't say you didn't plan to
And every time that you think of me
know I been making love to Nikki
Love to Nikki

And she loves me back
She loves me back
She she she she loves me back
She loves me, she she she she loves me back
She loves me

And now you calling me saying you didn't mean to do me wrong
You've died in my heart, so go ahead and live in his arms
My loves out the window, that's if you didn't know
Peace up, A-Town ride out
Cuz I'm sitting in the six-four,
Girl as the wind blow, baby I'm all cried out
And your heart is broken,
Gone 'head pick it, gone 'head pick it up
Gone 'head suck it up

You was off the game
now everything is changed
I've been making love to Nikki
Now...

giggle*

my blog, its my venting process, its a masterpiece with major hate and a sprinkle of love. i say shit that comes off belief and true facts you create. and all you lovely people read it, its pretty fucking amazing. 

people are so funny these days, we seem to play little games to get people mad, sad, jealous,i mean any type of emotion because someone in the long run gets kick out of it. come on, be honest... do you really think its not made up of jealously? i mean not even a tiny bit, i think we all know how teenage boys and girls minds work. its quite easy if you think about it. 

i don't get this game that much though, what gives you the idea that you can go ahead and do something, when the other morning you were crying about it. missy, you are playing the wrong game with the wrong people, like i said before, I CAN DO SO MUCH to ruin your little pathetic sad life. i mean i can literally just sit and watch everything go down, without putting any effort into it. its like watching tv or even movies... haha i think its fucking halirous. 

its funny when i watch this whole relationship thing work on other people. theres people you can see who is really falling or who is really actually literally falling. -_- ahah. love dosen't mean shit to me much anymore, to tell you the damn truth. the way people make it these days, it just seems to dull and fake. you can hold someones hand, you can sit close no matter how close your bodies might be, but are you really happy? or are you just trying to make sure someone else is watching? 

i mean im not a mean person in general. i been known for being a really outgoing happy loud weird confused girl, and i can def. really not get mad half the time, but you start to meet and grow off people... they can def. ruin the scene for you. i will do whatever the fuck i want. i will say whatever i need to say. and girl trust me, haha... shit. i don't even have words for you.

lets say, becareful dont take risks... because haha theres shit thats coming to you and its quite scary.. i mean ahaha... lets say the ladies that surround you and i are getting pretty fed up with this bullshit. i mean it was over and we went on with are happy little lives. but... whoaaaaa.. calm down. hahahaha lets say looks can be deceiving. 

:)

ps. ill blog whatever THE FUCK I WANT TO. shut the fuck up.

excuse me do you even know what a blog is?

pss: i miss morgan boheme

december it is.

so lately its been weird. actually lets say the past day its been too hectic for me to handle and its starting to maybe make sense lightweight.

i was sitting in the front seat today feeling the cold breeze and the nice air... and it gave me this relaxing feeling that things will be hard, but it will be okay in the long run. things do happen for a reason... and god is making me try to understand how life really happens. 

and its funny how people are telling me i should do this and that... but when your the one fucking up in the long run. im not the crazy ass bitch trying to get something i cant have... and im not one crying and complaining about everything. 

seriously... wow you need to get yourself in check buddy. 

and its so funny cas im not even in this bullshit anymore and somehow i get pulled back into it, seriously all you of you guys eed to grow up. by taking pictures to get people jealous? haha fucking GROW the fuck up. 

taking pictures for reason, because you want to and that it actually means something... then go ahead... be my guest, but taking pictures just to get other people mad... wow... your the one who is hurting yourself. 

im done with this shit. so ... yeah like i said get the fuck away from me.

no matter what it might be, just dont try to fuck things up for me. 

im happy and i dont need you here anymore.

you might need your shit back, but ill give that shit back on my own time im too busy and dont have the time to worry about your shit. its not my fault its at my house, or whatever. next time becareful where you leave your shit. 

and with all that said, i cant wait to see people like julian come back to my life. because i miss people like mikev. that make my life so much easier and actually care about me

:)

just to tell you that hurt.

on the verge on having a good day, my day.. is fucking irritating now.

HOW CAN ONE PERSON/THING CAN MAKE A FUCKING IMPACT ON MY WHOLE ENTIRE DAY.

my head is starting to hurt, and when i seem to be doing okay for once they have to always fucking hurt me and come back. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I DONT WANT YOUR FUCKING SORRY PATHETIC BREATHING IRRITATING ASS IN MY LIFE ANYMORE.

i started to believe maybe.. theres a way i get get out, but fuck it follows me everywhere.
im scared im bout to go downhill.. and im scared im on the same fucking path i been in.

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

WHAT THE FUCK. im getting fucking tired of everything. im getting tired of getting theses stupid headaches over you. to be honest with you, i wish i never made those risks of ever being with someone, its hurts so fucking bad.. its like what the fuck do i do anymore.

i dont even know what to say because im so jumbled right now.. i feel like throwing up.

i dont even know if im mad or sad. or something... im so fustrated. i want to get away.

sometimes i ask god WHY DO I DESERVE THIS. i dont do anything wrong. im not fucking perfect in any way... but why does this hurt me over and over again.

i want to burn pictures. clothes. notes. movies. anything that has to remind me of you.
and you, you stupid twofaced bitch. i fucking hate you. why did i ever decide to even try to make you part of my life. without me your sorry ass wouldnt have meet half the people you know.

YOU FUCKING LOW LIFE PATHETIC SORRY ASS BITCH.

i swear KARMA IS A BITCH AND I SWEAR YOULL GET YOURS.

AND WITH TINY THINGS LIKE THIS MIGHT HAVE A SLIGHT IMPACT ON ME.. I SWEAR THE THINGS I CAN DO, WILL KILL YOU. trustme.

disturbia.

i feel lightweight sick, or a bit confused.
my night consist of work,
meeting up with danny melanie and jasmine at my house; talking about melanies birthday,and hella sexual shit even to the point how relationship/games work.
danny got me thinking, and when i figure out what he said ill mention it.. my brain isnt in work right now.

then finnaly we went to in n out with chad.
and we ate, and talked and shit.

and now im home.. and i dont know, my kinda high. i feel like this is my only way i kinda get away from all my stress over people and just tiny things in general, it hurts my mind.

im kind of sad, i wanna talk to someone. when i see friends and shit at least get to see someone they are feelin. i hardly dont see the people i want to because of school/work or even just being too far in general and esp the somebody i would like to put a smile on my face wont be back for so long.

i just miss relationship stuff... i miss holding someones hand esp. and just knowing the same exact minute your thinking of them, someone is back. its jsut fustrating for me.

man i dont know even really know what to type and blog its too jummbled everything. but when ican think. i will blog.

just say .. i got to much things on my mind.

can i tell you something?

i need a fast car, candy coated red, drive me all night and park it in my bed.

i feel... really happy, def. in a super good mood.
im smiling, dancing, singing. haha. i dont know why, but i believe it is a good thing forsure.

i got work today, but its only for 4 hours today, so im all gooood :)
i got do my photo homeeworrk after work, i hope i get enough light, and uhm.. stuff. haha.

so with everything, i dont know. im not sad no more over the drama i had a couple months ago. im over the fact these things do happen. i thought it would hurt alot more, when i see things even tiny tiny things on myspace, but it officaly didnt make my heart drop anymore. SO... i moved on ? what can i say. i been waiting for this for a very long time and i think i held up pretty good. im def. really proud of myself. your inside jokes your little things you say dont bother me no more. and that i know forsure i'm doing so much better than you ever. &&&&

i think im starting to realize what god has in store for me.

im ready to fucking party. IM READY for my birthday. i wanna dancee. and do hella shit you know? maaaan. haha. i was getting so hyped last night you dont even know!?

i'm ready to let things i miss go.
i ready to move on, and i almost ready to get my life in check.
i'm growing up, its scary. but it was eventually suppose to happen?

one last thing. i happy for my friends.
i know its weird to hear all the shit im doing, but stress you caused.
MADE me do all this shit, but with me.. i know my limits and that i can take care of myself.
im a strong young lad. haha

and im happy happy happy.
thank you and goodbye.

Shut up and let me go
This hurts, I tell you so
For the last time you will kiss my lips
Now Shut up and let me go
Your jeans were once so clean
I bet you changed your wardrobe since we met
Now oh so easily your over me
Gone is love
It's you that ought to be holding me
I'm not containable
This turns up
it's not sustainable

3 hours.

i got work. and its fucking irriatating, im working like all day. its sad. 3:15pm - 11:45pm

FUCKING A.

so i woke up, hella tired, i hella thot it was like 9.. but it was 11 :( fuck. i thought i was gonna have time and shit. mann.

last night we hookah. it was pretty chill, and actually fun. haha. it was me, alexa, melanie, david, alexis, morgan, danny and brian. it was nice. i want more chill nights like that, or even i want crazy nights too. hahaha

so whats been bothering me.. guys. i dont know, im tired getting confused, and getting ignored. and my horoscope was hella true. so im gonna let it go where it will take me. and i even took necessary actions to help me get back on my feeet. just please no more confusion, its either a go or no. -_-

me and david were talking last night how we missed hanging out and stuff. like we remembered how beg. of the year EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND those niggahs would be at my house. even chill in my room, play rockband and even bring some alcohol into the picture. i miss people in general. like i miss seeing andrew ian cj robby brain david daniel kt matt morgan kevin all together. we kinda got the idea that when me and kevin spilt, everything did too. even school and work kinda killed everything too. its hard to look back on shit like that, cas i mean it was so fucking chill and good, its sad how everything just ends up like this.

but shit happens yeah? and maybe its just our thick and thin process too.

i hella miss skateboarding. i saw pictures david took and i believe it was kevin skating. i miss skate trips when we attempted to go places like sac or even to the vallejo or the skatepark. it was good times. i saw a bunch of kids skating all the time near my work and it reminds me when i used to be there and crap. and now everything just seems boring and not the same no more. ugh, i dont understand this shit no more.

fucking texting whore.

so im here in lab again, and im trippen out how i'm not getting any texts right now, when i usually do, FUCKING AYE.

i got work at 2:30, getting off at 6:30, hella early. :) but tommorow,that day is dedicated to work, cas im working an 8hr shift 3:15 to 11:45. HOLYSHIT, imma be there for hella long :(

im def. happy again for sure. i dont know, but im getting weird gut feelings that everything i want will eventually happen, and the weird part i feeel i will be talking/maybe dating someone soon, even the weird part is i dont even know who. haha hes there somewhere...

theres really nothing to blog about really, so now you know im life is lightweight back on track. cas im less stressing about shit. yaaaay.

so SEXSEXSEX. haha CRAVING MUCH?! haha somebody heeeelp. hahah im getting irritated the fact i keep thinking about it and what not. ugggg. i hate it. haha

ok.. well im bored blogging and crap. haha

-____-

WHAT THE FUCK?

i can blog?!

Santa cruz was on saturday september 6, 2008. It was alexa, melanie, jasmine, don, danny, morgan, david, blaine and i. it was hella chill and crackin. the others who was suppose to go was kt & b ( no money?), chadwic ( had mandatory work? ), jaketheflake ( had to fix his tire, which he never "called" me. )

we offically didnt leave at 8 the way we planned because somehow the fucking yukon battery died, which was fucking weird cas it never has before. and so we had to charge it for a while, and we ended up leaving at like 9 - 10 i suppose?


first stop was gas at ampm, then switched seats first row, don jasmine blaine. 2nd row, danny aeriel morgan. third row david melanie alexa... and off we went. we sang. talked, took pictures, then finnaly the first blunt came around. haha, higggh. hahah nice. we finnaly got there and their was lightweight traffic and the drive seemed like FOREVER.

we parked then ate our lunch, which was sandwiches, chips and salsa, and brownies and string cheeese. haha. crackin, then first stop BEACH! it was hella warm and nice so we all jumped in the FREEZING water.. which felt good. we got knocked over in the waves and shit. lmfao. it was halirous. then we layed for a bit and decided to go smoke again, which felt like a fucking oven in there... and then off we went to find funnel cakes. that shit was HELLA sweeeet for me. haha we almost died. then we decided to ride like two rides which was haunted castle which me and blaine were partners.. and it was scary but WEAK. lmfao. -_- then we rode the tsunami which was fucking halirous. me blaine and mealnie got squished hella bad. it was halirousssssss.

then we decided to hit the beach one more time, cas it was fucking soooo good to be on the beach, morgan and danny hit the water again, while melanie alexa don and david went on a walk on the beach. me & blaine ended up taking a good ass nap and jasmine reading her book. then i wake up from morgan and danny spitting seeds at me, and i was on the phone with my lovely bhfl.

and finnaly we decided we were starrrvvvvinnng. lmfao. so we decide to say goodbye to boardwalk, and ended up eating at woodstock? we ordered only one pizza ended up getting a freeee one too. hah :) we decided to also hit up the draaaank we got in the car. haha..

we giggggin we slaaaappin, but i got bored easily sitting in the shotgunish. haha and my drunkcrash made me sleeeepy. then finnaly we got hommeee, cleaned the car out and they all decided to smoke again, i was out of that and hella tired. me ryan danny blaine and melanie attempted to do a group picture and the fucking timer was hella slow. it was halirous.

and finnaly we all decided to go home cas my dad was gonna come out of the cuts. i drive home blaine, melanie and morgan, and i go home and pass out.

overall. i had a fucking good ass time. the beach was favortie part when i got to take that nice ass nap. i got browner too, i got to get away from the stress and drama that was in my head.

so it was nice to finnaly get away. the thing that started to piss me off was just how i wish i brought some i liked with me. it be nice to lay close to somebody or run in the water with, or even just you know share some kisses once in a while. and so things started to irritate me in general how i wanted a bf.. and somehow it was making me weak.

ugh i dont know. im just... craving for somebody, but with me being like three times more pickier its hard to actually be intrested in somebody here in fairfield anyways.

but i mean god has made me single for a reason, my boy will come soon, i believe. ill just have fun.

blog more later, when i have more energy. hahaha.

computer science sucks balls.

so ill blog later about my amazing day at santa cruz and what not.
work is fucking bothering me.

my relationship/love life sucks and def confusing.
im still looking for that special someone, esp. someone who dosent make me feel like shit.

and a better home.


im tired of this all.
just wait for what im going to say.

mutherfuckin solano.

haha im here in computer lab... on myspace and blogspot. HAHAHA. i can finnaly blog without any rush and blahblahblah.

so main topic... SANTA CRUZ!! im so fucking juiced, its not even funny.
offical list: me, alexa, jasmine, melanie, morgan, danny, don.
the people who might meet: kaite, B, & chadwic.
the maybes who need to tell me: david, jake & go-tie-buh.
SWEEEEEEEEEEEET.

anyways; so college? its easy. well maybe cas i did take easy classes this year, but its like a easy start, cas next semester forsure i will be the college girl i need to be taking math and english and maybe chem as well. shit, am i ready? but i think i can handle myself :)

so work too... is fucking alright, alot harder then ono in general, but i basically know EVERYONE at safeway and know me because im the "little mermaid" and sing the song too.. lol. its nice, so my work sched? this week HOLY SHIT. fucking tues and sat is bugging me. 6am-10am. then 3:15pm to 11:45pm? am i correct 8 hour dayyyys. i only officaly had one.. but shit i shall be balllliinnnn. :)

i havent been thinking much cas of the whole santa cruz deal, which im so happy cas im taking a break from everything. i want to get out of fairfield to get away from fake ass people, past relationship drama, family drama and everything you know. i need a breather. a time to just let everything go away. i wish i can go to a paramore show too, cas it helps me restart.. i know sounds corny right? but its my fucking therapy assholes.

im kinda liking this whole single idea.. even of course i wonder if i like being single more or relationships? i mean i only officaly had 2... cas i mean mike and i lasted for like 3 days cas i wasnt ready for this crazy thing. and kevin and i of course lasted for a year, and got me the feel of being in a relationship. so which is better? i crave for every little thing. i mean EVERY little thing. i miss having the text in the morning "good morning aeriel". i miss having the person who i was able to text whatever it might be, and even a random phone call without them thinking im weird you know? i miss some visiting me at home, and laying down with me talking about random crap and just getting a random bite to eat. and even... you know someone you can help my sexual fustration out. hahaha. is that one of the major ones?! haha i cant lie, it sucks. SEXSEXSEX. DAMMIT! hahah myvcard is long gone. and i neeedd somebody to helpppp mee..
hahaha

i think im becoming crazy. lmfao. jk. no im not, just the fact my mind and body is like drowning in that bullshit, im so jealous of couples or people who are like offically sexually active. haha im not. im in my pause. hahahahahah. holy shit. the bet better happen :))

so with everything else, i got nothing to say about it. im all good. and im happy.
i love my friends, and my life is a bit irriatating at times, but its time to get in reality and time to get ready to be a grown up. im about to be mutherfucking 18. its crazy. and im almost ready you know?

so sweeeeeeeet.

i shall find love sooner or later. ill get my sexual fustration out of the way sooner or later. ill be ballin more then youll ever be. i shall get started on being on the road to stardom.

holy fuck this is a long blog :)

its been too loong.

again, i cant blog because my computer is lame, and wont let me use blogspot.

but anyways, so whats up with me?

im fuckin GREAT! literally, im happpy again. like i finnaly realized everything, and what really matters. my real friends. work. school and def family first.

im trying my best to understand whats offically going on with my life. i thought it would hurt a little more than i thought... but i guess not. i'm moving on, and that i really did try to fix and patch things up. like what hayley said, to cut my tears and to kill these fears. im so tired of thinking things will get better, cas i thought of we could get pass this, but i guess not.

and you were the one who said you still wanted to be friends at least, and yeah i dont see that, "yeah grow up." whos the one who needs to grow up. and if you do, then maybe sooner or later we can pass this up.

im excited for trips like santa cruz and i think in the winter to disneyland. i love my life.

and nothing can ruin it for me now.

im over this thing called love, i mean i cant lie and say that my love is totally gone for you, i just need to say goodbye one more time. and that i miss you, esp. when the little things we had, you know? and you can't say you don't miss them. cas a year is too long to forget.

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.

and i believe god wanted me to have my one year of happiness and love, with one of my best friends. and now its over i need to learn to do things on my own, and one day ill find my love again, how long it might take.

i do believe karma is real, and that people will get theirs.. even if its good or bad, we all get it. so dont think your the only one.

so love is over.
drama is done.
my life shall begin.
new friends, HELLA!
new boys ;)

and everything.

yaaaaay!