i still can't breathe

"somewhere weakness is our strength and ill die searching for it

and i cant let myself regret such selfishness

my pain and all the troubled caused, no matter how long, i believe there's hope
buried beneath it all, hiding beneath it all and growing beneath it all."

fucking hayley williams is a fucking genius.

being sick is fucking horrible, and i still don't get how i got sick. i think its Safeway, customers, the weather changing in general. ugh my body can't keep up. haha. god dammit.

this week is just to hectic to handle, its very fucking stressful. with all the unnecessary drama, with party confusion, and being sick.. man its a big no-no. i didn't understand why all this is happening, and i still don't. -_-, ugh man.

i'm sitting here trying to think of what i had to say and blog. i always have so much things on my mind, when i drive places, or when i'm at work just walking around. but when it comes to this i just don't know what to really say.

i keep getting headaches from thinking to much then i suppose to, remembering shit from the past or just remembering images in my head bugs the shit out of me. i had this dream last night, and it was explaining everything that happen so far this year but in so many simple steps. it was one of those dreams when your watching yourself go through whatever is happening.
i watched myself from being so happy, to being so confused to being so fucking angry about everything.

i mean just seeing myself the way i was... i felt so fucking sad when i woke up and how fucking weak i felt. and i believe no one ever has to feel the way i felt for those 5 minutes. i wanted to give myself a hug, and destroy those memories i ever had of you and i. my wall seems a little bit more emptier the fact those pictures are gone, and my room seems more cleaner without those objects that have to do anything of you.

i never understood those closure songs. and now they make sense why people feel like that. love is a very complicated process, and i still can't believe i was even in it. first loves are hard and def. hurt more than i ever expected. i still ask myself was it worth it, or even just a waste. to be honest, i would be lieing if i said i regret it.

today when i was in the car with sherich, alexa and rachel and just watching alexa laugh and yelling at sherich telling him to calm down driving hella crazy, gave me hella memories when i used to be there. and then i remembered hella car memories with different people. memories with friends, crushes and kevin. it was a crazy squished ball of memories, of good and bad. it made me laugh.


ps: almost happybirthdaymelanie.
& my bhfl comes home officially December 17. wahoo ! :)