i cant fucking wait for

AUGUST 1ST, 2ND, AND 3RD OF 2009. WE WILL BE OUT SOMEWHERE... IN THE WILDERNESS CAMPING, BEING FUCKED UP TO OUR LIMITS. :]

I HOPE EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE LIST FUCKING GOES.

BAJAMDAM + R + M + M + V. <3

i cannot live without..

thanks romeo for not paying the phone bill on time, you bitch ass nigga.

____________

I said excuse me little mama if I may
Take this thought and send it your way
And if you don't like that, then send it right back,
But I just gotta say
I wanna be on you.

___________

and i'm craving so badly for some...

cure me. :]

sweaty.

all day of hotness and dying of thirst, the day dragged on and on, and feeling like it was never going to end, man no bueno.

i really have no idea what to blog about, i keep erasing what i type. i finnaly went out on friday, and that was pretty chill. i basically been hella high these last two days, and i guess it was fun while it lasted. i feel like im broke as hell, and i hate feeling like that. and.... pretty much, i'm getting bored of this. so, ill blog when i have something important to say..

& oh yeah, i have missed you.

today... was the day.

i'm itchy. or tired... or either... confused about everything. maybe i'm just kind of blank. haha, i guess you can say i'm usually blank all the time.

today was seriously had its ups and downs. we bascially went around vallejo in the morning, hearing stupid shit like the car is 3000 but you gotta put 2500 down for a broke down car -_- fail. finnaly try at different places that ended up, needing me to get a co-signer. before loosing all hope, looking one more time at the ads, vacaville was the place. i won't say anymore but it was too much all in one day. job offers to actually maybe getting a car. oh lord.

and for everything else i wish i saw you today and tell you about my day. And that's pretty much it.

r e s t i n p e a c e

its hot up in this bitch.

i'm sleepy, maybe to excited its fucking thursday tomorrow, have i ever told you thursday's are my days?! thursday is payday. thursday is when my dad goes back to work for the rest of the week. thursday... seems to always be the most exciting day in the week for me, so i'll tell you this. i fucking can't wait.

i woke up feeling a bit better, for the fact last night i ended up having some type of flu/fever thing that got me feeling like i was going to die. i think i been officially overworked and being around sick ass people, has finally got to me. work was super slow, tiring as hell. the super usuals. but during the slow ass day i had alot of things on my mind.

i guess to be honest, i feel like i weaken, but you gotta give me a break. look at it this way. a month ago, it was this whole thing of just... pretty dope ass times, that got me feelin' really good. then all of a sudden a cut off. the transition from being so happy to being... you have to kind of got to step back from all of it, its pretty fucking hard. i'm not use to things yet, even though i told myself i have to literally bite the bullet and just be happy right? i mean shit i have been, and i'm really proud how i'm doing... but then again... there are times where i trap myself back into this mentality where i was a month ago and my brain esp. my feelings come into play, asking " why the fuck does this happen? ". i always wonder if i do things wrong, or even down to lowest of thinking... am i even good enough? but i have to respect other peoples feelings beside mines even if it might hurt for a while, but like they all say, " if it was really meant to be, it'll will come back.... eventually."

anyways, i hope tomorrow will be the day i finnaly get a ...... shh! its a secret. good luck to me. because, shit i really need this right now.

* "someone is always chasing somebody. so... who's chasing?"

me.

yawn.

i'm getting somewhat tired just sitting here. i'm full from my dinner; i cooked some pasta, it was pretty good i must say.

today consist of safeway. it was either slow, or busy, hot or cold, its like how it is everyday. today was a little different because everyone was kind of excited to pie james in the face... and it was actually hella funny. i kind of don't even remember it because it went by so fast. everyone had their cellphones out taking photos and had hella videos. hahahaha. belinda and isa you are my heroes!

so this thursday!? it might be a go! i'm pretty juiced. i hope i get something, wish me luck! :)

sleepy 123.

i'm very sleepy right now, and my tummy kinda hurts, and no i don't have to go poo -_-" hahaha, shh. today wasn't bad, work was most def. easy. chilled. post. movies.

i'm keep thinking about random stuff, like if this thursday will be a go. i wonder if i'll be doing something dope on my days off. and i also ponder about things that's recently been going on. i'm like super tired that.. i have no idea what to write, so basically ill end it short, and i cannot wait for camping.

ps: that was a cool move today. talkto me in SO fucking long, that you had the fucking balls to say the shit you said, maybe i should ask myself that question one more time. " why did we call each other bhfl's anyways? ". yeah, why did we? fuck you.

restart.

theres a fuckin' ant on my keyboard. he/she is playing hide and seek with me, and you know what?! i hope squish your disgusting ugly body. harsh, but i can't stand bugs, esp. bugs like ants. ew.

i keep erasing what i keep typing, but for some reason its really not making sense, or at least my choice of words aren't coming out the way i want it to...but i'll tell you this. i feel better to be honest, like i finally let go things i wondered about and somewhat got some of my answers, even if they weren't so clear to me. i'm on the verge of staying positive and just focusing on things that have to deal with me, and nobody else.

in the past last 18 years of my life i have to admit, i always put other people besides myself in front. i had this thing, where i believe i wanted to keep everyone happy at all costs. for example, i absolutely i love when birthdays arrives, or special occasions arrive. i love making surprises, buying gifts, doing anything in my will power to see that person's smile. and when it comes down to it, i forget about my happiness all together. selfish as it might sound, in the long run its all about yourself and no one else.

i guess i'm ready to stick up for myself, because i'm just tired of people taking advantage of me. i always feel stepped on or somewhat most of the time. and thats one of the worst feelings in the world. i'm tired of saying sorry, or trying my hardest to be the one to actually make one type of effort to solve the problem. i don't know, its alot more complicated then you think. theres alot more to explain... but oh well, thats for me to figure out.

well one of my goals now is to think positive, no matter what the situation might be. i just think i'm not taking it all in like i should. i realized how sad i was, or how much i over think about things and ugh, the list goes on. and things should never be like that, i think i'm pretty much happy with how things are going. i'm not stressing no more, like how i was the past weeks and that was definitely no good.

i think, i feel somewhat good.

right now to be honest.. i think i'm the lightest of being "perked". i kind of feel it, but kind of don't, but i'm not complaining. tonight was random, i got swooped by alexa and the daniels and i got to see my bestfriend. we hella went in the cuts and saw kt, sean, danny, and a bunch of new people i met, random/not the best but it was alright. and i got to hang out with jade after work :] that was nice, and i had fun. haha.

i'm tired, and i'm finnaly fucking off. i'm so juiced, that i want to do somethings, or even things. i want to play freakin' beerpong at my house and just get drunk and chill with postive people.

i admit, i wanted to say a couple things on my mind.. but i really can't get to it. its just kinda locked in my mind, and those things i want to say....... just wants to just say it to those people, and get it over with. i'm just actually lost and have no idea what i really want to say, and my add is really kicking it because i was about to write about something...... wait... -_- okay, i dont really know what i'm saying. i bet when i read this later on.. i'm going to be like what the fucking fuck. haha.

lets go on an adventure and play beerpong tommorow night? sounds good? okay cool. goodnight.

ps: twin! feel better, cas we need to! tsk tsk.

reading.

i just read my blogs from the past 3 months. i laughed my ass off, and i hella got flashbacks reading all of it, and i admit i cried a bit.

and honestly, i never knew how much i wrote, and some of the shit i actually wrote. man, oh man. i have some intense feelings.

for example.... on april 26 i wrote...

" i hate liking someone, i hate the whole concept of being in a relationship and i sure fucking do hate thinking this whole" love" thing will come in play sooner or later. but you know what, shit fucking happens. and things happen for a reason, and im thinking now, there must be a reason why you are here. why i'm here feeling like this. i dont want to cry any more, i dont want to feel confused, because i love feeling like i have everything under control, because i will admit............. "

FCKING WALMART.

i'm tired, like honestly, i never knew how tired i really was until i hit my bed, and shut my eyes just for a second or two, and to find out a hour or so later, i was knocked out. safeway has defintely got me, 8 days straight? oh wow, i practically live there, woo me.



i'm just really dead. completly dead, i feel so many emotions at once, its actually annoying. right now all i want and need is to just take a breather. get away from working, get away from this town, to get away from the same people. i want something amazing to happen to me, i feel like these couple weeks has been a drag, i been doing the same shit everyday. work. sleep. eat.



i miss everyone, seriously. i don't like how i see the people i love spending my time with, only like once a week, or even longer. i miss how we use to be with each other almost everynight. we had simple trips, simple kick-its, simple everything. maaaan, gimme one of those nights back; because those nights was most def. my favorite.



and thanks robby for failing classes, because i got to take your bitch ass to fairfield high every fucking weekday at 7 in the morning. BECAUSE THATS FUCKING COOL.

i've decided...

not to trip no more, chocolate chip.

i oh so, understand.

work todaaaaaaay. i like working sundays, extra pay & james bitchass ain't there. woo! ugh, i'm not off till thursday thooo. D:

oh yeah, lmfao, fucking jaypee. "SAFEEWAAAYYY!". jusstin you got vocals?! it was nice spending time with the cousins last night, only one shot of hemmmm, tho.... and i got blasted o_O. ahahaha, julian's hella funny & patrick you hella gay. justkidding. hahaha.

kbyes!

J U L Y T H O ^

i am lost.

i feel sick. i don't want to work at 10, and do some stupid ass training, that i already know. fuck, safeway is freakin' retarded. my friday night was ... mostly chill, nothing great, but chill. i got hella blasted, and guess what? i rolled my first blunt -_-. not the best, but smoke - able right?

i hate when i have to go to work like this, like this as in... having too much shit on my mind. still because confused as fuck. wondering maybe its time to stop, and maybe i should just pack my things and go. as for now, i really don't see the point of staying anymore. this is so pointless.

the saddest part is, i had a surprise for you. and the surprise is going dead by day, as it sits in my room. i hate the part where i think i should go return it and maybe just keep it for myself. but i know i'm not, i got it for a reason, and i'm sticking to that reason. i feel like no time is for me anymore, and not even just a tad bit. i hate being in denial, and just being left and forgotten. this sucks, literally. but again, there's more things more important to focus on then me right?

so, if you somehow had time to read this, all i ask is time to spare for me, at least for like 10 mins. to give you this and maybe this time, tell you how i feel. thanks.

bye, 9 hours at gayway. gah.

i cannot wait for. paramore in july. camping in august. turning 19 this year. and hopefully and actually go to the place i wanted to go for almost 3 years. bye.

forgotten.

now i think you forgot me.

i did it for love.mp3

that songs been in my head all day.

i can most def. relate. gosh. i think i know now.

& & & i got a suprise for you.

ps: happy graduation to the class of 09'.
08' on mommas thoughhhhh !

shoot me.

how do i even start this? i don't even know where to start first. my head, is all over the place right now, man i don't even know, what i'm even saying anymore.

i'm really really trying over here, and everytime i get shot down. i can't seem to find my answers. i feel like i'm failing over and over again. can you please tell me, am i doing something wrong? even when im trying for myself, i feel like i'm not even good enough. i feel like im weak, dispointing you and even myself.

ERASE. ERASE. BACKSPACE. BACKSPACE.
& i m i s s y o u , o h s o m u c h .

a little bit..

I hope they never find out what they already know, know, know
As soon as its official we'll have to let it go, go, go
So we don't confirm the fling
Keep avoiding all the questions
You could teach me many things
I'm just scared to learn a lesson

The pressures on
Both hearts beat like a metronome
Both in sync like a Justin song
Feels so right but it's just so wrong
I wonder where my world 'bout
Where niggas that I know tryna talk my girl out
And her friends say I ain't the one to go for
She just get jealous cause you always get approached more
Oh well, tell her fall back caught up in some more shit tell her call back
Tell her get a man that ain't cheating on her ass wit a girl that I know yeah tell her all that, that
And as for you I think I know you're the one
The closest I've come
I'm probably...

i dont get this.

but; i'm not gonna give up now. think positive missy. mhm.

work at 315. bye.

yawn*

its like i'm dead. completely focus, but too tired to even function. my feet hurt fucking hella bad, and my eyes feel like their going to shut on me, but i say hold on a couple more minutes, i want to fucking blog.

work's homo, everything's homo. i just want to be off and relax, but surely, i know my two days off will be crappy as hell, for the fact fuckin' romeo's off those days, and so i gotta lie and be like i got work ! and do something cool those days. i kind of want to do photography, call up twin and tell him.. photoshoot missions! go shopping, treat teejay, and maybe treat myself.

this summer, dosen't even feel like summer. i feel stupid, and i feel like this year is going by so quickly, and i haven't really have done anything exciting. the last time i ever felt really juiced about doing something was the times we would go to jackson, have those DOPE ass bonfires, even just having dinner sundays at my house.

i just want to go to santa cruz. i want someone to take me to fucking L.A. because everyone around me has gone, is going or whatever, while i get lied to every year by people and saying "oh i'll take you don't worry." and i been there, heard that, got too excited for no reason, man people are fucked up. the one place i truly i want to go to, i can't go. someone down? because i'm fucking down.

i can't wait for august to roll around so i can finally go camping with everyone, and actually just relax and be the the people i miss and love being around the most. i'm seriously so juiced for it. shoot me already.

i think, i need to set priorities for myself. i'm so lazy, never have plans for myself. i want to go back and do acting again and fucking try to actually fulfill my longlife plan of becoming famous. i want to loose weight and gain muscle.. ahha okay just kidding, i just want to loose weight thoughhh. i want to complete my stages of becoming that vegetarian. i want to gain my push and motivation to go to school and i just want to focus on something... completely... mine. i don't know, it could be a hobby, a new job, i don't know. something though... something..

and i have to admit, i'm really fucking confused right now. ouch, but i'll wait and see where faith leads me too. ugh. and the weird thing is? i keep getting really bad deja vu.. or really bad... flashbacks, and fucking shit. i don't like it at all.

my saturday night..

consist of sitting at home, getting ready, getting my hopes up, to failing plans, losing "potes" , never ending search for tree, post, burnit, blasted, home, and calling it a night.

ugh, and i have to spend my whole sunday, in safeway.

l u c k y m e.

* I'm so iconoclastic; I'm clastic! I only want you to think I'm fantastic.
I'll participate in what you believe, If you give me the attention!
Yeah, yeah that's the only compensation, I want to be included in your conversation.

ps: now, have you forgotten about me?

oh really?

listen to paramore: live at anaheim. "my heart". ugh, i get goosebumps everytimeeee. i don't know what i would do without paramore, when i'm like this.

pain make your way to me, and i'll always be just so inviting. If i ever start to think straight, this heart will start a riot in me.

horoscope.

Building up your strength has taken a long time, but now you're unstoppable.

but guess what? i still feel like there's still something missing, and it hurts like hell.

get me out of this place, pronto.
from these confusing people. from this fucked up town. from these tears and fears, bottled up inside. i just ask for a breather and actually be drowned in a unexpected no worry day.

suprise me.

i erased my full last post, long and detailed. i read it, over and over, and i want to slap myself in the face. i'm a fucking idiot, that's all i have to say.




i'll admit, i feel like things are going downhill, but i need to intact a postive outlook on this all. with work, family, friends, my heart and overall life. i'll also admit i'm depressed as hell. i have mixed emotions, mixed feelings, terrible thoughts, and all i feel like i'm doing is crying.

last week, i felt like i was on top of ther world. this moment of day, i feel the lowest peak i hit ever since last year.


i'm so upset about everthing, and what i'm most confused about, i don't even know where i stand at this point. all i ask, is a start over. a restart button, because i don't like this feeling at all, i repeat; i don't fucking like this upsetting feelings at all.


ps: when i left my house, when you said, goodnight, when i got to the city, when i walked into those club doors, when i stood there, when i sat there, when i heard those songs, when i sat in the backseat, when i sat in my room, when i'm typing this blog, i did not forget about you.

you can stand under my umbrella.

and even you don't write me arrow pointing left +3 back. ill still write it to you.

bye bye stogs.

i decided i wanted to blog about something important, or something i been wanting to just kind of let go, even if its little itty bitty things that i would forget about in the next 5 minutes of, even thinking of it.

my eye is itchy, and my room is kinda stuffy. theres tobacco shavings on my carpet for the time i was pushing carts and bagging grocery's, teejays dumbass decided to look through my pocket and find my box of newports and decide to tear apart the box and leave me random pieces of the cigs, in my room. i still don't have any idea where the fuck is the box, and i literally had like 7 pieces left... and i noticed how angry when i couldn't find it. i think i have a problem with smoking, and things like this.. is maybe a sign for me to actually stop. so for at least for now this month; i'm going to do this step by step. i officially can't buy a pack for this month, i'll only smoke if its like an occasion and just piece it. and an addition to that, i don't think i wanna be high anymore either, or at least for now i'm never gonna buy a bag anymore, if someone's willing to smoke me out then sure, but besides that... i'm cool off it.

i'm tired.. and see i already forgot what i really wanted to blog about. good night.

ps: here's webcam photos recently :P

and babe's back! :] i'm glad i got to see you today.. or yesterday tech. ahaha. even though we passed out for hella hours.