random night.

talk about temptation and lust. i had selfish written all over it. i couldn't remember which was right and wrong. i couldn't find the words, and the feelings i felt when you popped into my head, i felt that sickly feeling, that made me want to rip my thoughts apart, because confusion isn't a pretty thing.

i have everything under control... i think.

2 more days

no time to blog, but things have been good, i'm clearly content. i still have random shit i need to get done, and all this random nonsense needs to stop.

i'm closing on new years eve, yay me. jason sucks, and everyones schedule looks like shit, fuck safeway honestly. i've been waking up early and doing productive shit. i admit for almost the last couple months i have smoked every day. it kind of looks like one or two blunts a day, and ends up of endless sessions and matches, its amazing. but i shall say goodbye to these bad habits when 2010, sad... but its for the better.

my love life has been all i wanted in so long. i'm taking it slow as possible, making sure i'm keeping myself satisfied to its extent; emotionally, physically, mentally, and that borderline where temptation and lust is covered. i'm happy, like seriously, its going exactly how it should be going. ah, i'm a sucker for a cute and a sweet boy, and i'm glad i found you.

i don't know where everyone has been, i mean my close friends seem to hide and go mia, i guess for reasons they might have... i just want to let them know, i hope they don't forget me. some are literally gone, they are super mia, and i just hope things are good and i'm still waiting for the return call. the others are here, but not quite here, they are lost in their own world, i think maybe i should leave it alone. the others, i couldn't ask for dope friends, i'm sure diggin' the time spending, and just pure happiness when they are around. thank you.

this new years eve should be interesting, this time, i have no idea what is going on. surely, we are going to go out this year with a bang.

merry xmas eve

ahh, so its offically here, x-mas eve. i finnaly realized i'm really late on the x-mas hype this year. i been so busy, and definitely broke off my ass, so basically this x-mas hasn't been the most exciting.. i wasn't really looking forward to presents or anything, i just want to spend time with my favorite people, and i shall be content.
i just want this year to be over. i feel like i'm stuck, stuck somewhere where weird and stupid. even though this year has been crazy, its had its ups and downs, god damn time flies by fast. everything kind of still feels the same. i'm not with no one, no one new has to sweep me off my feet. i'm still the same aeriel, with same stupid over thinking brain. i still have my amazing friends with a addition that are all keepers. i just want more excitement and that restart button. more than ever i'm not going to lie, i cannot wait for 2010.

overthinking brains

i feel that sharp uneasy sickly pain in my stomach, the one that you feel when you see or hear something you don't even want to to come close to? its either truth or being in denial. i hate this silly game, its overall tiring. i kind of feel stupid and lame, for thinking things were kind of going...
you know what scratch that. aeriel, what the fucking fuck. you take one thing, and make it worse then it might actually be.

maybe thinking negative is what i'm good at, well at least this whole end of the year dealing with this weird feelings, i absolutely don't know what to do with it. my mind is all mumble jumble, and i still don't fucking get it.

getting upset, and feeling like its the end, isn't the answer is it? i feel so bipolar right now its pretty annoying, a matter of fact. its not good for mind, body, soul.

i guess its game for satisfaction. the chase for selfish thoughts. and the move for complete temptation. oh its game time.

girl, back the fuck up. when i want something, i'm gonna fucking get it.

this time..

i'm not going to try anymore, i decided with all this mumble jumble, i'm just going to let go and have fun. i see all the other things people have to worry about when they get all wrapped up in someone. i don't know if i'm ready to put myself in a position like that again. *no offense: i still don't know if your something that is worth the keep. i'll wait it out and watch as it goes by. basically... want my attention? then, get it.

x-mas is oh so soon, and i'm not ready. i don't even have a fucking tree up for heaven sakes. this christmas seems shitty already, but who is to say it will be horrible after all? my main goal is to somehow satisfy my brothers, because they don't deserve this whole shake up.

remind me, i still need: ugly x-mas sweater for alie/marisas, i need to wrap up my job & alie/marisas secret santa gift, i need to buy [mom jaycee matthew uncle arnel] gifts, need to get my phone, need to get my id, find our new cabin, and do last minute gifts. SHIT.

here are some pictures when i remembered to take some.

time to save some moolah

i have been lightweight sick all week, and i want it to go away.

i still don't have presents ready. i don't have any of my secret santa presents bought. i still have to make stuff for all the different potlucks. i still need to find my passport and re-order my id. i need to do all my scheduling for my class. i still need to find a x-mas sweater. i need to buy a new phone. i still need to do all this crap all in about less than a week.


god dammit, and can someone remind me to stop buying tree, okay thanks.
and i really want to go to blowup tonight, and its all on that passport.

nonsense

i still can't tell if the days seem to go by quicker more than ever, i'm still in complete shock x-mas is actually here less than a week. i'm shaken that i'm not going to have these presents ready by then, to not be late on any x-mas spirit and to be sad that i'm going to miss it physically and mentality.

i haven't seen my mother in days, its like now she's out, when i'm out, or either when i'm out she's home, i'm out she's home. the only time i ever come in contact is when we have time to talk to each other... which is when we talk on the phone.. about that... i don't like this at all.

i feel like im just lazy, and tired. i'm just pretty much being the one on the side laughing at everyone and doing my own thing. i don't want a develop a relationship with anyone, even though right now i have a baby crush on someone. i just want to take it slow and thats all i want. oh yeah, i have smoked every day, i don't know why, but i do.

ill make changes soon...... i cannot wait for dec. 22. i cannot wait for snow trip. i cannot wait for this year is over.

i'm content.

i'm sleepy and tired. i have too much to think about, even though they are very good thoughts.

last night equals 2 joints & 2 bowls plus pizza, candy, and cupcakes. very chill, and delightful. thanks for coming over bestfwend, adrian, alexa and pepe :]

snow trip is all im thinking about. and i hope i get to find my passport so i can go club thurs and fri, at least friday because blowup is about to be crackin'! i need to get there pronto.

welp off to work, fuck you safeway. midnight is very long from now.

success

i got mini butterfiles and this weekend has been crackin & chill.

blowup = crackin, gigged my ass off, and where the butterflies appeared. saturday = dead/school, matched blunts with tyty, marilyn, alexa, crissy and i, drunk off UV, stayed smokin' bowls with crissy & more bowls from adrian's bowls.

i am content, and loving it.

step your shit up.

i finally had the guts to set some ground rules, oh don't think you can get out of this one aeriel harina, they are set in stone, thrown away in a box, and its no turning back now.

as usual, my mind is worn out, too much thinking process has been going in my brain for the past couple days just about all the things.. i shouldn't even dare to think about. all i know, is that i know what i want now, and god dammit, i will get it. and if my cards play right this will give me time to step back and breathe for a second.. and if it folds and fails my way, you just added yourself to the hall of shame, tsktsk.

and boy i will tell you,
you are just like everyone else.
with pathetic poor game, with a consistently unsatisfying lies,
such a cute face
....going into a complete waste.
people, its time to bring it up a notch.

wake up

when i thought things were getting better, little things seem to still have the power to beat me up. i just need time to clear these useless thoughts for good. i want more good times, to replace all these bad ones.

i just want to be able to meet someone, who's willing to help me make my move, and all at the same time, able to make me realize i can't run away from something that actually what i have been looking for.

denial sucks, and feeling played with can suck even more.

two weeks.

17 more days till x-mas, and till you know it... this year is coming to an end. i'm excited for presents, for loves, for having good times. i shall end this year off with a bang and hello new year.

ps: i'm so better off without you. <3

so last night...

WAS DOPE. it was just like we planned, and did what we wanted. got it crackin, fucking hella people, and even got it shut down in the middle of no where. i was pretty fucked up, but still able to function & mingle, major success. i was fucked up off 4 pre-heem shots, blunt, half a cookie, then helllaaa shots of heeem with the random people i decided to pick to take shots with me... hahaha, then ate another cookie and smoked a blunt again. there were 3 major places you coulda been that night. the couch+fire/bbq pit thing, BARN of BP, and the dance house. example who was there: chads friends + chads friend friends [anatoich + alameda] + my friends [fairfield, cordelia, vallejo, sacramento , the city] + my friends friends, from people i see everyday, to people i have missed and haven't seen in AGES, to people i just met, thank you guys from coming. i hope me and chad] were wonderful party hosts. sorry for getting it shut down early... fucking anal neighbor..

heres some photos i managed to take, even tho i wished i remembered to actually take hella pictures through out the night.... but hey, its better then nothing. enjoy.

and for everything else besides last night, i still can't believe you, how dare you say the things you said, from the stupid complaints and trying to be the pathetic sad victim. i'm the supposedly the whole fuckin' reason why we don't talk anymore? as in, why we aren't friends, why we don't even say hello anymore, and fucking why YOU act like i don't fucking exist. what kind of fucking sick joke is this? i don't even know what i even fucking did in the first place for this treatment and why we are they way we are now. you fucking proved me right, over and over again. i'm tired of hearing about you, i'm sick of writing and complaining about you, i'm so done with anything that has to do with you... just do this, pretend all this shit never happened between you and i, i'm going to erase you out of my life completely, just like you erased me from yours. do us all a favor and stop claiming you are on some "grown man hype" when first of all you need to grow some fuckin' balls, learn how to stop running away from all the shit you start, and you can take back all your sorry ass bullshit lies because its not going to work on anyone anymore.... esp. me.

till then, good luck & when you get your shit together, you know where to find me.

so hey, future loves? prove me wrong and let me know for once... these "feelings", will all make sense in the end.