your a let down.

"I've got those lovesick blues and I feel it more than ever... A sinking in my chest like a ship in the blue, She was the drug I abused. I feel a rising fever, A shaking in my sleep left me broken and bruised."

i'm tired, feel kind of hopeless. i have work in the morning, and i supposedly am going with my dad to get a smog test for the Yukon, woo me. i have many wandering thoughts and don't know which one to grasp. the thing i care about the most right now? Is this weekend, this camping trip.

oh, and maybe one other thing.. i have alot of easy studying to do tommorow night, because on thursday morning hello _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

and your a let down, over and over again.

all of you.

today was family day.

today was really weird and unexpected. i never really had a trip with my whole family again in years, so it was nice to actually come along for the ride.

woke up around 9, get ready, drive to emery ville to grab us some grub, head out to half moon bay and had a little picnic at the cemetery. sounds kind of creepy yeah? but the cemetery i go to is like your typical creepy scary tombstone lookin place, its actually pretty. we sit and eat fruits, hella have a race and took hella pictures. it was nice having something like this, it makes me realize many things about my family. it was a really good day to just relax and get out for once.

^ this one was took 01/21/2008

this was took on 07/28/2009

ps: oh yeah, i cant fucking wait for august fucking first.

god dammit.

im currently painting my nails, trying to make sure i don't fuck them up because i decided i really wanted to blog about something, so wish me luck and i hope i don't fuck up this time.

something about today, something about the thoughts that's been in my head started to finally make some sort of sense... and i'm thinking its a step right? to be honest, i'm still quite mumble jumble. i'm clumsy, i overthink and i wonder so much, i can't even focus what's real in front of me.

today i finnaly admitted something i didn't want to say in so long, but i finnaly had the push to actually say it. with all the clear signs, with all the things people have things that they wanted to tell me, with every god damn thing you do to me, i think i found a road out of denial. it kind of hurt a bit, maybe actually more then i thought it would and that all of this is starting to make sense. i have been drawn to these people with cute faces, cute saying, sexual frustration, the idea of thinking this person might actually be something, far from what you been running away from all along. i hate this whole idea of "feelings", because its all a lie.

when you start to take a different step, try to put yourself into this mentality of "moving on", or at least trying to put something else as your top priority. i don't even know where to turn to or where even to begin. even when you think the person in front of you, is your backbone of trying to get out, that person is as same as the person your "moving on" from. i hardly don't even know who the trust anymore, the fact of so many open opportunities of telling me what the fuck is happening, and your watching me fall into the trap you know about.

i'm such a fucking idiot to fall for something like this. please tell me a good reason why i shouldn't label you as... a douchebag, a player, an asshole, a heartbreaker and a fucking liar. i feel like i'm dealing with fucking kevin all over again, and fuck, that ain't good right? i just can't understand why would you dare to say things you say, to do the shit you do, when you can't even be my so called friend overall? the one of things that bother me the most, is that you know my past the things i been through, the things that the past people DID to hurt me, you know your past, the things that past people and you been through that hurt you, the shit apparently "you don't want" when then worse part is you create it the most for yourself.

i really, really, want to be where i was a year ago. i didn't give a fuck about nobody, no boy nor girl was on my mind. i had a few crushes here and there but they never really made a impact to me. i was out or either home every night doing what i do, and just being happy. feelings fucking suck, because its like ... a whole another person takes over you.

i just really need to get the hell out of here.

hmm.

on days like this its nice to just sit down, relax. its pretty warm out today i like it. i kind of wanted to go on a walk, or go on a drive. but the thing with driving its not fun when your driving a fucking gas eater thats a giant monster.

the thing too i don't like about days like this.. i finnaly have time for myself, and all my thoughts come to gather all at once and some times the one i wish i forgot overcomes all of it. i'm head kind of hurts, but i'm trying my best to just forget it.

last night was pretty chill. still undefeated, everyone fails at beerpong and i got a tad bit bored winning all the time. haha i sound hella cocky, but seriously... they all failed. its blaine's birthday too, so i hope he had a good time and i hope i get to see him later tonight because supposly hes gonna burn hella tonight, and yeah. i'm getting tired of burning too. its so like ugh, i dont know. i guess i ran to it because it literally did help me just to forget and just have fun, but the outcome of it it makes me feel likeshit. and it makes feel like a complete idiot to remember what i actually did.

( these photos are hella out of order -_- )



so i also saw paramore & no doubt twice this week as well. it was fucking dope. i wish paramore had their own headlining tour. i cant wait they have their own, i'll hop on that hella quick. im currently listening to them live and stuff, ughhh. i swear it makes me hella want to go to another show soo bad. god, i dont know what it is about paramore, but it really makes me feel better.

and for everything else. i still haven't forgotten you, but for sure i have been better moving on, i still miss you. and your still in my head time to time, and its weird... when i remember everything.. but i mean i'm doing what your saying and so forth. i just hope you haven't fully forgotten me.

ps: remind me to save my fucking money. FUCK.
& happy birthday blaine. :]

________
who i saw yesterday:
all my dope ass coworkers, blaine, ian, andrew, oliver, matt, alexa, melanie, ben, cheech, john, charles, molina, felix, thug nasty, the mormon girl, mike, adrien&ppl i couldn't see in the dark and woody.

ENCORE SHOW TONIGHT.

fuck yes, i get to see the sounds, paramore, and no doubt all over again tonight. i'm gonna try most def. to get in the pit somehow...... :]

tonight was also michelle's cotty in stockton. i wish i kinda i can go to that too, but uhh... the show beats it any day. :] ah kekeke, no offense michelle, happy birthday!


SIDEKICK IS GONNA BE IN MY LIFE AGAIN! yay!!!


blog later.

i fucking love this end of the month. did i tell you how much i hate july? i hate it alot. D:
and i cannot wait for camping with my bestest friends. fuck yes!!!

i caught myself

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you

You're pushing and pulling me down too
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
But I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I never know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I should have never thought

________________________
people i saw today:
jade, robert, twin, brain, alexis, alexa, keri, vince, matt, natalie, danielson, and dj.

encore ! love

last night, was fucking dope as fuck.

the sounds, paramore and no doubt was a pretty good lineup.


if you weren't there then you missed out, friday again in sac!

mmm..

no time for blogging? random. i like getting high, and it makes me laugh. the past two nights i smoked with bestfriend and mel. then i finnaly get to see and catch up with blaine in oh so long, last night. i missed him. then we burned it again with melanie & adrien.

but the only thing thats been on my mindddd all week is...

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.paramore.

TOMMOROW AT CONCORD. yay!

thanksss adrian.

i'm fully awake, probably working off 2 to 3 hours of sleep overall.

adrian's last night was prettyy dope. thanks adrian for looking out on the 6/7 shots of crown royal and stoges and hits off the blunt and what not. and thanks for all the others who shared as well. i got to see my bhfl. he leaves today for 15 months to iraq. D:

i hella met julians girlfriend last night. hahaha. hella random. " BITCH! its your cousin! " :D 28 weeks later? photos? rapping sessions? wildboys -_- hahaha. and the poop smell? hahahaha.

never slept, and was hella dying of claustrophobia because molina died on the left, while levi passed out on the right and daniel was connected by my foot. hahahaha. " we are all connected by love. " hahahahaha. faggot.

theres more to write.. but im lazy and i need to do hella crap today. D:
ticket situation. camping situation. phone situation. byes!

______________________________________________

people i saw today ( tech. last night) :
melanie, adrian, rich, brian, ben, marisa, ali, alexa, molina, bhfl, joey, ashley, levi, alexa, jeremy, met alyssa & friends, and daniel & all probably... 4 other people i have no idea who you were. :P

GREAT !

i just keep finding more reasons to just stop.

i am so disapointing for ever falling for something like that. great, another pathetic cute face, with amazing lies.

and someone fucking fix my fucking sidekick too. fml.

FML.

i just had the worse night of my life. like literally, what the fuck. i dont understand why'd this all happen in just one day. FUCK MY LIFE.

to be honest i dont even want to talk about it because its so fucking irritating.

- don't get a car as usual. I FUCKING HATE LIARS.
- stuck in san jose forever with a fat ass headache.
- home, was hot and gay.
- argue with mom about the computer, she askes hella fucking questions all the time.
- take a long ass time getting ready.
- wait.... hella long for alexis to swoop. almost an hour late, from meeting time. 9:50 exact.
- get stuck in fucking TOLL, for HELLA long. missed guestlist at 1045
- get to glaskat at around 11 something, FUCKING LONG ASS LINES FOR BOTH GUEST LIST AND PRESALES.
- wait HELLA long in line, and had to get out because of no presale. alexis seemed to get in..
- wait again in another long ass line, and wait for this fucker to get us in.
- wait again for HELLA long, HELLA FUCKING COLD. and ended up not letting no one in at 12:30. NO FUCKING CLUB FOR US.
- sit in vinces car, hella still freezing. wait till 130 for alexis. then we had to wait again for cash. till 2....
- vince has work at 3, and was confused to leave... and when we left we found out the tire was fucking flat -_-
- try to change the tire, NO JACK... vince askes to use my sidekick as light... and so we try to go to shell....
- VINCE LEFT MY FUCKING SIDEKICK ON TOP OF THE ROOF OF THE CAR AND FALLS OFF.
- turns around, tires fucked, my phones fucking missing. walk hella up the street to find my phone, and found that shit in the middle of the street.
- found a person with a jack... finnaly leave, forgot cash, almost crashed into a car on a one way street.
- get back to hercules... get pulled over by a cop before rachel's house.... -____- and blah blah blah.
- vince is already late, and alexis needs to be home like AT 3.. when it was already 330 as we hit glen cove.
- smash, and get home.

so this fucking night sucks. and when i finnally had the chance to be out, have fun to get my mind off stupid ass shit. the night ends up being a complete fail for me. and when i wanted to vent, it seemed like you were laughing in my face.

i want to get out, and i need a NEW FUCKING SIDEKICK NOW BECAUSE THE FUCKING SCREEN IS CRACKED. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT FUCKING SHIT.

i didnt fucking club. i didnt fucking do anything. my sidekick is fucking BROKEN.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FML.

BACKSPACE.

i still officially can't figure out what to type in this exact spot. i thought i had it... but as usual, its lost.

blank.

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar

goodbye to you.

i'm ready to start all over.

i might probably might collapse and lie to myself this week, but hey, it takes time.

i finnaly found my reason to make the effort and make the push get me out of this depression trap.

t - h - a - n - k y - o - u .

here we go again.

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
Cause I'm so much better without you
But it's just another pretty lie
Cause I break down
Everytime you come around


So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I'd never let you back in
Should have known better
Than trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We're falling together
You'd think that by now I'd know
Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you're always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it's no use
Can't be with or without you

_____________________________

i really just don't know what it is. i'm still confused as hell, still lost as fuck. but i'm starting to pick everything up little by little. like i told josh, i always seem to search for advice, and always, have it right here. i never really understood, why i'm here, feeling like this... and theres just something i'm still looking for.. and for some reason, i think its there somewhere; but i'll be waiting and let it come to me.

again.

i got the morning sickness of remembering bad thoughts, and trying to pretend somethings not bothering the hell out of me. i got work in about 2 hours, i'm not really looking forward to it, but fuck it, moolah right?

i'm tired, just sitting, thinking. listening to paramore, trying to sing with my just woken up voice. did i ever say paramore, keeps me in the upkept mood that keeps me oh so happy, and keeps me postive.

i think i'm ready to move on... with everything sometime soon, because i can't be stuck in denial knowing theres hope for things... i don't know, even know what to say, or what to think. ugh. whatever. shh.

ps: i saw my bhfl yesterday, ever since the last time those words were spoken. thanks for you and joey visiting, it was nice seeing you again.

heres: photos from charles camera from ians. and these are my favorites.

-_- i deleted the photo they drew on me. whatever. haha

thanks for drawing on me assholes. and i have like 4 pictures from my sidekick and ill upload later.

this.. sucks.

in about thirty minutes i should be getting ready to head with melanie to alameda to swoop claudia. i haven't seen her in hella days, since alexis's party and since the bonfire, so itll be nice to see her again.

i realized how fragile i am and how i feel like i'm becoming weak, over the stupidest shit this past week. you know, probably sometime after the whole breakup thing between me and kevin, i put myself in this mindset to just have fun, and not care about anything close to gaining feelings for someone... because after that whole thing, i wasn't ready to see myself to get close to someone, and getting my heart broken all over again. to be honest, it was hard to meet new people and letting my guard down, overall i was just ..and still a bit scared.

in the longest time, i finally just felt comfortable enough to actually go out and have fun. with the risks and mistakes i made, this year i finally met someone that kind of spice up the game a little bit. i admit in the beginning i was a bit lost and confused of what i was going to do, but i went with however it was going to go. now where we are, isn't where i thought we would be at, at least this is the whole reason why i never wanted to like anyone again. somehow always in the process its gets fucked up by insecurity and complete letdowns, and remembering the things that kept you away from the first time. and it does suck... to the point where you wish you can take it all back so you don't have to see this shit anymore.

i hate how, i always seem to end up losing someone i really care about. i mean, its not like i lost them completely, but at this pace, i felt like you said goodbye along time ago. and the fact, your best friend has probably the whole mindset of every dude that is out there, it literally hurts to hear the reality of things. i'm scared, if maybe everyone was right, and i was just blinded by sweet sayings and a cute face.

i fucking miss you inside and out. and thats how i really feel. i fucking hate how i feel pushed out and totally cut out. at least, i thought we became really good friends enough to still spare some time for each other. i'm not asking every minute of your time, but i still want be apart of something with you. i hate being attached, i swear. and i really wish i had a re-do button. you have no idea the way i been feeling lately, i wish i can talk to you about it like how we use to. but i get nervous as hell to even come close to share what i have on my mind.

i feel like a little kid, looking for their favorite object. i'm clumsy and always never quite too focus at times. and i always seem like i'm in the wanting stage. i admit i can be a little bit selfish time time, and that's why i'm trying to bite the bullet and take a step back, for this whole breathing process.

so with this all said, i just really.. hope things get better.. and i think it will, just takes time though? but if you read this, you know who you are. and i just wanted to say hello, and i miss you, really tho, being my l-o-v-e-r, and my bestie. down to the times we sat and listen to music, random trips to berryessa and the bigslidepark, to eating tacobell at 3am and pizza. i hope i see you tonight... and i hope you didn't forget about me this time.

" you won't break my heart right? "

" only, if you promise to not break mine."

rawr.

my head hurts, my brain hurts, and everything else seems to hurt as well. i hate mornings like this, when i'm not able to focus, and my stomach seems to be upside down, i .. just want to be offically happy again, and i hate how some little... things, can make such a big impact.

y: "so... i deciced this. i'm not going to hit him up anymore. i mean, why am i always the one asking to hang out and do this and that. what the hell, i give him hints all the time, " what are you doing... i get off at 11... i have nothing to do.... ". and its still those stupid one word answers. " oh cool... uh, i dont know... " its like what's the point of trying anymore?"

a: "whoa.. i hella know how you feel. its like man, why try, when their not even willing to take it? because if you really think about it, ... there's probably someone else willing to take it for you."

y: "oh my god, exactly! its like fuck, i just want some lovin' and have some fun. i'm not looking for a relationship... i just want FUN. i don't understand, i mean the way before, it was hella fun, hanging out, walk, talk, eat. simple right? now, its like you don't care? give me a break."

a: "man, what the hell, this is some fucked up shit." -_- " its like your not even asking for much. we are friends right? friends hang out. whatever though, this is stupid. -_- don't hit him up."

i hate liars, i hate liars. i hate liars.

ignorance is your new best friend

if i'm a bad person, you don't like me
i guess i'll make my own way
it's a circle
a mean cycle
i can't excite you anymore
where's your gavel? your jury?
what's my offense this time?
you're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
well sentence me to another life.

don't wanna hear your sad songs
i don't wanna feel your pain
when you swear it's all my fault
cause you know we're not the same
oh we're not the same
the friends who stuck together
we wrote our names in blood
but i guess you can't accept that the change is good
it's good
it's good

you treat me just like another stranger
well it's nice to meet you sir
i guess i'll go
i best be on my way out

ignorance is your new best friend
ignorance is your new best friend

this is the best thing that could've happened
any longer and i wouldn't have made it
it's not a war no, it's not a rapture
i'm just a person but you can't take it
the same tricks that once fooled me
they won't get you anywhere
i'm not the same kid from your memory
now i can fend for myself

don't wanna hear your sad songs
i don't wanna feel your pain
when you swear it's all my fault
cause you know we're not the same
oh we're not the same
we used to stick together
we wrote our names in blood
but i guess you can't accept that the change is good
it's good
it's good

you treat me just like another stranger
well it's nice to meet you sir
i guess i'll go
i best be on my way out

ignorance is your new best friend
ignorance is your new best friend
ignorance is your new best friend
ignorance is your new best friend

you treat me just like another stranger
well it's nice to meet you sir
i guess i'll go
i best be on my way out

http://myspace.com/paramore.

:)

i had a good day, and was actually doing something all day. & that's pretty much all i wanted.

ps: camping tho! reserve tommorow?! and fucking paramore in 2 fucking weeks. :D

i'll admit...

i sort of don't remember last night, and that i was high as fuck. oh yeah, i closed my eyes and i thought the lights turned off, and i wasn't even high yet. so, that was a fail.

and i do remember, i admitted i was depressed.

i want today to be a long fun filled day. i want a freakin' haircut, and the i love paramore's new song ignorance, and i'm fucking pre-ordering their cd tommorow. man, oh man.

and hey! F U C K Y O U!

happy fucking 4th of july.

this day overall fucking sucks. it was lame as hell, and all i did was work. i was so drained at work too, it was no good, but whatever.

out of all the past years, this was the worse fourth of july of my life. i remember back in 06' all of was running down the greenbelt shooting off fireworks and hiding in the bushes. all those times at the marina, walking in circles and seeing everyone in fairfield, and watching the big fireworks. that one time at rolands house and we all got fucked up o_O crackin'. the most thing exciting today was meeting up with yvonne and standing on this bridge to watch the fireworks that was being set off from the marina. it was cold as fuck, but at least we got to see something right? i spent the rest of my night, chillen with yvonne and jessica, and just being hella dumb at safeway -_-. what a fucking fail, spending my 4th of july at work, but it was better than be home.

last night though, was basically my 4th of july :) so i guess i'm not really complaining. ian's house was crackin as hell. hahaha, i haven't had a chill and drunk time in hellla long. i finnaly saw old ass friends too, like ian, andrew, cj, randall, phil, beau, and etc. i took like 6 shots of heem :) and played two games of beerpong.

i was hella feelin' good. the night went on and more people came, and i ended up being hella blasted which lead to being hella crossfaded out of my mind. i had fun, and i ended up not going home till like 6ish o_O, and that whole time freakin' oliver, robby, chris, benard, alexis drew all over ian's drunk/passed out self. haha. -_- next friday tho! part 2... but even more people ;) craacckin'.

well i think i'mma get ice cream. watch tv, and pass out. night.

ps: i still get ..

..when i see you.

hello ?

i'm getting sleepy, and tired, theres fairly nothing to do. tonight was a major fail. the majority of us was suppose to meet up and try to finnaly decide on which camping site we would all like to go to but, everyone ended never showing up, too tired from work, things came up, some were missing and some couldn't get out.

i'm like in a gloomy mood right now. i'm starting to think of things that's been wandering around and i guess i never really had time to get it out or really think about it... it's kind of annoying. its one of those things that i'm most def. tired of, over-rated, stupid, worthless, and everything in between. the people who i wanna speak to, the people who i know can help me get this out of my head, i can't. for reasons, i feel like i can't anymore or either i know they might be too busy for me. i'm loosing focus. i feel like i'm going to drown into my lame excuses.

i'm just ready to get out and just do something you know? i'm really getting bored of this all. and all i'm looking forward to is paramore, camping, and maybe get myself in check, by going back to school.

because for everything else.. i'm starting to give up.

so this weekend tho.

might be wack, and i hope my dad dosen't kill it for us all... or at least me. ill be working 1 - 8 on 4th of july. while everyone will be out bbq, swimming, and whatever fun. safeway always seems to kill my fun. ugh.

i saw this on someone's myspace:

"You can love anyone in the world, but the problem is, so can the one you love."

ouch. reality sucks right? i can't believe where i'm still at. get out of my head already, because for the fact is, i'm probably out of yours long time ago. denial, denial, denial. ugh, sometimes i don't know what to do with myself. remember though, stay happy.

________

ps: *31 more days though! and fucking paramore this month!