god dammit.

im currently painting my nails, trying to make sure i don't fuck them up because i decided i really wanted to blog about something, so wish me luck and i hope i don't fuck up this time.

something about today, something about the thoughts that's been in my head started to finally make some sort of sense... and i'm thinking its a step right? to be honest, i'm still quite mumble jumble. i'm clumsy, i overthink and i wonder so much, i can't even focus what's real in front of me.

today i finnaly admitted something i didn't want to say in so long, but i finnaly had the push to actually say it. with all the clear signs, with all the things people have things that they wanted to tell me, with every god damn thing you do to me, i think i found a road out of denial. it kind of hurt a bit, maybe actually more then i thought it would and that all of this is starting to make sense. i have been drawn to these people with cute faces, cute saying, sexual frustration, the idea of thinking this person might actually be something, far from what you been running away from all along. i hate this whole idea of "feelings", because its all a lie.

when you start to take a different step, try to put yourself into this mentality of "moving on", or at least trying to put something else as your top priority. i don't even know where to turn to or where even to begin. even when you think the person in front of you, is your backbone of trying to get out, that person is as same as the person your "moving on" from. i hardly don't even know who the trust anymore, the fact of so many open opportunities of telling me what the fuck is happening, and your watching me fall into the trap you know about.

i'm such a fucking idiot to fall for something like this. please tell me a good reason why i shouldn't label you as... a douchebag, a player, an asshole, a heartbreaker and a fucking liar. i feel like i'm dealing with fucking kevin all over again, and fuck, that ain't good right? i just can't understand why would you dare to say things you say, to do the shit you do, when you can't even be my so called friend overall? the one of things that bother me the most, is that you know my past the things i been through, the things that the past people DID to hurt me, you know your past, the things that past people and you been through that hurt you, the shit apparently "you don't want" when then worse part is you create it the most for yourself.

i really, really, want to be where i was a year ago. i didn't give a fuck about nobody, no boy nor girl was on my mind. i had a few crushes here and there but they never really made a impact to me. i was out or either home every night doing what i do, and just being happy. feelings fucking suck, because its like ... a whole another person takes over you.

i just really need to get the hell out of here.