tired and being confused is a big no-no.

i mean i already have enough shit on my mind, i dont need anymore.
like confusing about that certain someone... confused how come all of a sudden... wonder if anyone else cares?

soo.. i'm just tired of being lied to. like i dont get it, text me this week talking we shall hang and crap... and then all lastnight,text till like freakin 3 something, telling me offically we are "talking" then tell me these sweeet things, and the day we planned to hang... i get flaked on .. again.
like really man, i don't need another boy worrrying me with things like that. i just want to be happy. and im still willing to leave a few more chances..

hmm.. so why now? what made you wanna see what was going on? i'm lost, the last thing i need the person im trying to run away from is coming back. is weird. i want to fix things, but thats not fair i did my fair share of trying to make things work, even as friends, im just not ready to go back and saying hello.

and about these other peoples? im lost, but just curious about what they think, i think im reading the signals wrong.

i think i am alot.

can i just get paid now.

what i still need in this lame boring summer.
girls day out. disneyland. roadtrip. santa cruz. PARTY. get DRUNK. finnaly find that somebody who can keeep my relaxed and out of trouble.

someone who is actually try to hang with me. daaaaaaaang.

imma sleep.
i got work at 4-close.
with garvin, fucking great.

im offically

FULL, "rice", talking to somebody<3, gonna be rich, and shall be happy.


i haven't blogged, but too bad, im a busy lady. hahaha. im hella fucking tired right now, but i'm still awake cas i want to blog reaaal quick then lay down and pass out.

i work hella days at ono now, fucking lets see.. im working 22 hours this week. i better get hells moneys. i kinda like it there, its easier too. but i wish it was a tad closer, gas is killing me. speaking of work, i almost died today cas of cyrill scaring the shit out of me -___-
and thanks don, alexa and morgan for hanging out at ono for hella long. freee food!

go home, take a shower, hang with alexa and don for a bit then hang with melanie. and HMM!? hahaha.

things that go for anything with feelings and boy thangs... hahaha. im happy where i am, like i do wanna talk to somebody, with the feeling i can get hurt again... or i can just let it beeeeeee. haha
but offically agreed, we are talking. hahaha !
its weird seeing, like old exs.. or somebody you use to talk to esp when like you arent even "friends" anymore, not even a acknowledge your there. helloo. at least act like your not mean, but whatever.

i just want to be happy, and i am.
thank you too all the people who is helping me through this. :)

confusion is eating my brain.

and plus my body is craving for actual food. hahaha
i hardly dont eat much anymore, its starting to remind me of old past habits..... but oh well.
i think ill look for food or something after this bloggg.

so.. confusion is the word that is bothering me.. lol
i dont get a couple of things about this whole situation im in.. but oh well.
my head hurts, so please stop it!
imma take things slow.. and let them come to me, correct?
haha if you don't know what the hell im talking about that is tooooo mutheerfuccckin bad. '

but after a while it will start making sense.. and
so i wanna drink today or something.. or something quite fun...
shit. and im hella tired cas my sleeping hours thingyy are hella fucked up.
SHIT!

i hate my phone can someone buy me a side kick?
hhaha daaaamit.
i work tommorow :( but just for 4 hours. and supposly it goes hella fast. yee!
and with jaramey i wont be bored. haha. even if hes kinda eeh.. loco

hahahaha

ian you are right.

SOOO CRAVING FOR MORE. DAMN you. lol

butterflies ... ?

are flying in circles in my stomach.

haha.

im feeeeling good. im happy. and im starting to smile for the right reasons again . :)
things are getting are better, thank you god.

so school is gonna be hetic so goodbye ono. i cant stay there.. so bye!
im kinda happy but sad... but well.. see.. damn.. hahaha

so today... was weird. i saw don at coston. lol santa claus... drove forever my gma and my dad.. places.. but i got half a tankkk.:D played with my guniea pig on my grass... that lazy bitch. -__- hhaha jk i love him.

and..... :D ice cream. safeway; ruins. saw little don there. went back home.. watched it.. cuddle. wizardsofwaveryplace, rob and big... then goodnightttttttttttt ..... hahahaha. :)
im happy!

don came over and chatted.

and now im on the phone with my nigga ian...

haha and i shall sleep soon :)
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,
mwah!

happy as a bee.

finnaly im starting to feeel happy again.
but im not saying im completly there... it will take a while of course.

where can i start? haha.
i made a plan to get my life back together. i shall explore my horizons and see whats out there for me.

i love my friends. esp alexa and melanie. like. i dont know. everyone else just seems to be kinda.. ehh. from all this confusion.. youll probably wont know what im trying to say. anyways.

i had work sunday, it fucking sucked.
i went to concord with alexa on monday and went super shopping. haha then get the call that i had WORK. -____- but whatever.
jake was actually, came to get me to eat ice cream.. even if it was 9? lol he came over and hanged out for a bit :)
i talked on the phone with ian and andrew. lol i miss those niggas.
and i talked to them till i almost passed out.


and now im lazy to blog lol

its starting to make no sense at all.

So sweet I can hardly speak due to such trauma in my teeth
But your body language is telling me that you're worth the pain
So weak I can hardly keep, shaky legs holding up my feet
But your body language is telling me that I'm not to blame

everything, one by one, is starting to hurt my head.
my head is starting to fucking hurt, every single time i start trying to realize what the fuck is going on. my body is about to collapse from me trying to keep up with everything.
physically, emotionally; i'm literally about to die.

why can one thing ruin my life? i told myself no matter who it is, my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends, my family, whoever the fuck it might be... they should never have impact on my life in what so ever, to make me feel like the way i feel now.

shitty. depressed. useless. pathetic. lost. sad. in desperate need of help.
i'm so fucking confused of what i'm trying to do here.
i don't even know what the fuck i'm trying to vent out. its to fucking tangled.. shit.

i'm trying seriously my best to make my life work. everyones telling me to fuck it. and i still have hope your still there. i dont get the fact. how your so fucking mean to me. i never mean to complain or ask too much questions. what the fuck. your hurting me over and over. like i'm falling into the same fucking trap over and over again. and i'm still making you win.

LIKE how is this fucking possible for me? i keep fucking crying. i want to fucking smoke everything away. i want to drink everything away. im at the point, where i keep fucking thinking if i really want to be here anymore, do i still wanna wake up everyday the same shit over and over praying, "maybe today, things will get better." and remembering to put that smile on my face.

how do you tell someone how you feel when half the time, you realized you have no one to turn to. i think i'm officially afraid, to be alone. alone as in .. not having someone loving you, someone not being beside you, i feel so lost, its crazy.

maybe im just going insane. how do people do this shit? fall in love. or is it even love.. maybe im just sprung... and just scared.. he's the only one who can make me feel like this.

im sick of playing games.
and im tired of trying to fix things.

one question keeps popping in my head.

"what the hell, do i do?"

and one more..

" it hurt, huh?"
yeah it fucking hurt, it still hurts like a bitch. what the fuck do you want me to say
"SHIT, naw dude, its only just a year of my life i love and miss and so of course it didn't hurt because he doesn't mean shit!"
sike. thanks. honestly.

ps: all of you with your fucking boyfriend/girlfriend shit. please don't bring that shit up to me anymore. i jealous and restless of your comments. and i really don't need to hear it.

" i love you... " lmfao

so im here at alexas house

and alexa just said shes wet. lol jk her hair is.
she made yummy quesodillas with fruit punch
...


LOL so we are fuckin with morgans head cas its funny he thinks i love him with a face like WTF -_______- lmfao

work fucking sucked yesterday, and my body was about to colaspe.
hanged with jasmine matt and morgan was gonna hang with vishal and watch batman.. and end up not.

went on a quest... bwahhahaha and stole... stuff.... and then chea didnt go home till 4.

hahaha.

HEY YOU! STOP BEING MEAN TO ME
FUCK AND STOP IGNORING ME.

hand clapping. head shaking

so right now; im hella tired and bored out of my mind.
i got work around 5 and close at 9 and probably wont be home till 940ish.

im currently listenig to the jonas brothers .. which they are playing tonight at concord :( lol.. and i got work. fuck. mann how sad, i cant visit my nick. tsktsk. lol :( how sad. ANYWAYS

yesterday tired as fuck waking up at 7 because of solano bullshit. i really hate college already i miss rod already. EW.

haha wtf my little cousin is ripping everything off my wall. NOO!

i been sad lately. how offically... i found out i do love someone. and that i do miss them badly. and it sucks, because after founding that all its like... i dont know.. they treat you back like.. they want you out of their life but they dare to make a statement like "i want to be friends still".
FRIENDS don't fucking do that.

they don't text you a couple word answers, they don't take you off their myspace, they don't ignore you when you try to comment them & then they have time to comment other people, they don't say hella rude shit when your trying to spend time with them.

i just hate how this is all happening now. the person i thot would be there for me all the time. you know.. its just you had so much hope .. and like you thot nothing will go wrong, because you thot they would have never leave you.

and just the fact. you thot they wouldn't given up that easily. i thought you had more than that.. but i guess i was wrong.

it sucks to hear fucking convos taken place.. about how stupid i am. and how i made a mistake. and how my mom has to always ask me WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. and how she thinks he have moven on. i hate this.

i just want my fucking old life back. i just want my old fucking friends back. i just things to be simple.

shit. fucking god, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS BULLSHIT. i never did anything wrong, and tried to keep myself a good person as possible. im trying to here to be happy and move on. but fuck.. i cant. why cant i just get over it. i hate how i actually fell in love. because all i got my self into is a stupid joke.

"get out of here"

so i gotta pee..
so brb.....

today... was weird.
woke up. HELLA TIRED. cas sneaking in was a bad thing..
went to solano with alexa to retake our tests; and find out theres like MILLIONS of people waiting, and even for our counciler peoples. -_________-
go back to her house and chill; then i go back home real quick to eat...
then go to audrinas and chill there for a bit.
get ready for 4 cas my first day of fucking "ono" its literally OH-NO.

i feel like its one of those classes you just dont want to go to... and yeah i fucking kinda regret working there EVEN if its one day..

im still gonna apply at places.. and see if i can get a better job..
cas shit. .. hahah

go home. and peope come out of the cuts.. kinda like un-invited.. i just wanted to chill and rest by myself for a bit... -_- but oh well.

melanie comes by around 10ish... and
talk about ... haha stuff.. then crave for deltaco.. and morgan comes over and then we are off
"put it in my mouttttthh"

haha. eat at my house.. well watch melanie eat everything. hahah
THIZZ FRIE... -_- lol
marshmellow fight.
OUCH... rock hard.. naw.
hot coco while morgan... is making his marshmellows on my stove.
and we watch paranormal state. HELLA weak ones.

im still kinda sad... and i wish i was sort of over kevin.
it sucks seeing or reading stuff; and why do little things like myspace. and comments bother me..
cas i mean really. im not even on his top. he never comments me back; but he can comment everyone else.. at least be fucking nice.. makes me wanna rethink things.
im just sucks that i really fallen for somebody and it just sucks feeling like everything is really over. and i dont know, maybe time can tell.

and i hate work already. FUCCCCCCCCK.
shit. haha.
im tired. off to bed.

bored.

so my day.

is basically. get a job at ono hawaiian bbq.
i start tommrow.. woo... -_-

ahaha

hang with audrina.
hang with kevin.
say hi to morgan.
watch camp rock twice.

and now im sitting here.
i might go to superwalmart with don cas i have no pants for tommorow :(

and today was weird. i actually really miss kevin hella bad.
and it just bums me out because i cant do anything about it.
but, i got to start moving on with my life.


yeah. sucks when this whole love thing is in the way.

i feeling alot better

about most of my problems.

i had a decent day; wake up get fucking yelled at, like wheres my phone. why is that part of my car broken ( THANKS IAN CAS I ALMOST GOT MY CAR TAKEN AWAY -_- lol ).
alexa invited me to run er-ans with her... fucking go to larrys produce....
FUCKING HELLA PEOPLE!!! lol. but we worked out our arms and almost died from the watermelon. hella go eat at applebees. yummy. hahah. and FEAST!!!!!

get my car; back to alexas. read magazines rip out people.. FOUND JONAS BROTHERS POSTER.. oh man made my day ;) lol. nick... mm.. hahahaah! then be lazy looking at old pictures and then put stickers on our phone; crave for coldstone... go eat like a hella big size cas my nigga anthony HOOK it up. yee!

then wait.. and thot i was gonna hang with kevin.. but he got tired... oh well. kinda bummed.
then i teach robby how to drive...

and finnaly had the talk with morgan...
it was all good. it feels like a big relief that we are friends again.. well i mean we were just in a akward spot. but at least one of my problems are gone.
we talked about the whole situation about the "jumping" incident that happened.. yesterday? oh god.. fucking shit. i wish i was there.. or if SOMEONE fucking helped. thats hella fucking irritating. but things happens.. but this shit was stupid.

i didnt know how much people actually READ this shit. so hello to you.
haha. half the shit i say on here.. is my fucking venting process... for me not do stupid shit. like go cut myself. or try to smoke. or try anything i never tried before. i been stressing like crazy and half this shit i mention isnt true. like kevin; he isnt an asshole.. just... its hard okay? basically im not over the break.. but trying. remember i still love you no matter what; even if you dont.

i got my interview tommorow. but i dont care how far it is.
at least i dont get to see people from fairfield. and i can meet new peoplesss.
yee.

okay hella fucking tired.
goodnigghttttt!

i take it back,

UPDATE:
im phoneless.
worried out of my mind.
and i take back whatever i said.

but please god why does this happen to him.
he dosent deserve any of this bullshit.

get well soon.
i hope i get that job too.
so i can start paying for my own shit now.









________
aujdhasiudgashd


cause i swear you love messing with peoples fucking heads.
i'm starting to believe everything you said before, was all lies.

lets just say im not have the best summer or something.

i hate how i fell in love with someone whos going to do this all to me
i love how you feel like your the one fucking stressing and all that bullshit.
and i hate how much i'm still have hope for you and i.
i just want everything to be okay, but of course your the one who can just move on from all your past girlfriends. BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY MOVED ON.
YOUR A FUCKING ASSHOLE.
and why do i still love you.



i hate how im always seem to get stuck in the middle with friends.

i hate fighting with friends.


someone please save me from all of this.

FUCKING TIRED

so bascially... these blogs are like a day late.. but not like tech... lol

my day.. was good.waked up early.went to alexas, play rockband.went home. got dressed and shiit. get gas, get car wash... then signed up for my transcript..
which reminds me..
OH CRAP.

anyways..

im tired. as hell... and uhh things are better.
morgan is finnaly talking to me again.

i got to see ian cj and andrew again and hang for a bit.
uhm.. and yeah.. and now im ready to sleep.

yes yes i boring blog.. but i need my sleeeeep!

7 things.

1. hella tired.

2. happy.

3. rem-i-ni-sing.

4. im thirsty

5. mad that i gotta wake up early.

6. have plans for this week :)

7. i miss you.

ever since friday, sleeping at 6... and then later waking up at 8 then sleep again at 3... to wake up at 7.. my sleeping time is FUCKED up. ahaha. nooo!

so my day was basically, wake up for church, then eat at great wall; good bonding time with family LOL. then go home... see kevin and mike for a bit, it was weird but im getting less sad everytime ( is that a good thing ? maybe so.).

leave right after to hang with alexa. play rock band while she gets ready. we go off to the mall, see andre and get her bag. walk to visit kt and try to buy shoees.... and so negitive... lol.. see xavier and guy hang with them a bit and then see jc and hang with him... then pass and decide to walk into anchor blue... to get myself in a fucking weirdest situation i been in.

i honestly, hate fighting with morgan. and after what i heard today makes me fucking shitty and makes me feel like it was my FAULT. but WAS IT? i dont think so. so be stubborn and whatever. i hate how he lies and i hate how he acts like he was right. whatever. really then. YOU DONT GIVE A FUCK? haha maybe my mom was right, that you need to learn how to grow up. whatever. ill just wait it off. because I DO give A FUCK about you, and want to fix things because it was one of the stupidest shit we ever went through. but if your gonna act like that then why fucking bother.

"i would pick you over him anyday, and he should know that."-alexa.

i see later don and kt at my house. go to taco bell go back home.. and then mike, christan, jordan, roland, and matt come down to kick it for a bit. it was funny. i like those people they make me happy.

chill in my room, look at the pics from friday... myspace.. then don and alexa head home.

im starting to get the hang out of all of this.

im gonna let kevin talk to me when he wants to, im tired of trying to be friends or whatever we are. i just want to at least he cares, im so confused by the way he texts to other people, but when he sees me, he acts like a fucking dick. i miss him alot tho, in every way. my boyfriend and just my friend.

and now im scared my mom hates him. but i can see why, because it feels like we wasted our time sticking up for kevin, and me too. going through all that bullshit.

i hope things get better.

seriously.

ps: im not ready to move on or anything. so dont worry, im not gonna all of a sudden flirt and do this and that with guys, cas do you honestly i'mma give up that easily. i still love you dude.

three fucking thrity seven

in the morning, im here at melanie house, hella tired and confused and frustrated.


thanks to melanie and kt, thank you for talking and making me realize about all this shit thats going on, ill have my talk and ill have whatever goes on.

im ready to sleep and im ready to let everything go, IT will take a while it get use to but the beg, in the night i can do this.

lll talk to the people i need to in the morning, and straighten things out.
but let things cool down.

i hate this shit, and i fucking hate you.

happy fourth of july.

today seems so lazy and boring.
and i got my fucking period of im feeeling tired and my stomach hurts.

everything seems hard. i just want to say hello, but i know i don't want to, cas why should i try again. i'm waiting.

hopefully tonight is CRACKIN'... cas the other times.. tsk tsk.. wasnt -_- lol

ill just get drunk and i cant really walk around cas cops will be everywhere. but WHATEVEERR.

i think imma take a nap. .. and well see how tongiht goes.

i try and i try, and still get shot down.

im trying my best to keep everything cool, but whatever, i'm starting to give up.
i had a good plan to, and maybe god's like aeriel naw you'll look fucking stupid. don't even try anymore.

so my days been good, i haven't cried and really haven't thot of anything to make me depressed, so i'm all good.

hanged with audrina yesterday, and finnaly got over the whole weird seeing each other idea, so im good.

i need a fucking hair cut, im getting despreate for one.
i wanna party and shit.
and sitll have no offical plans for fourth of july, i wish i can have a bbq, but my dads off... and i doubt hell let me have one. FUCK. so maybe ill just find something to do.


summer is go fucking boring. i hate this.
i wanna go to disneyland.
i wanna watch paramore.
i want to meet someone who can give me butterflies all over.
im tired of my dad yelling at me
and i hate trying to hang out and be okay with this whole situation.
CAN IT JUST GO AWAY.
im tired of being sad... so im done.

i seem to always

type this ater 12 and crap. hahah damn

so my day was offically not boring.
got ian, andrew and don. kt brandon don came out of the cuts. then matt showed up
and off we went to vallejo to skate. i had to pick up kevin first and balh blah.
skated bethel and stuff. then had to leave cas of brandon and kt.
i droped off kevin and picked up alexa :) and then headed to my house.
ate hella pizza thanks to don, and morgan came over and kevin came back.
we atempted to tell scary stories... and ended up nothing.. then we decided to play mafia.

HAAHAH i love that game. hella good. i was a townsperson 3 times then finnaly mafia! died -_- then got to be a sherif... i almost made it then i finnaly i died. DAMN me.. " ITS ME!" lol. DAMMIT!

kevin fell asleep tired and what not. and just watching him sleep, made me crave to lay next to him and give him a kiss on a cheek, with temptation i did. : i know it wasnt a smart move, but i cant let chances like that go.

i hope i can hang with him like foreal without it being weird, things feel a little better, i just miss things alot.
i want to talk to him and ask him if hes willing at LEAST to try and start over, because i miss him dearly, but if he turns me down, i can at least have a sense of learning to move on.

im not looking for no boys no more, at least for the while. all i want is kevin to take me back, and if it dosent work out in the end, then ill just have fun and let it all go with the flow.

no more crying, im proud that i ALMOST DID, but i picked myself up and said no. just think of the happier times and make the best of all of this.

i love and miss you kevin. this is day... 11 since we been on this break.
god. please help me and kevin get through this and hopefully we can change this.
this weirdest thing, im starting to pray every night,
GOOD HABIT number 1.
im offically gonna start my good habits.
lets see what else i can do.