grown and sexy.

here's from thursday breaking point's event: hella last minute random trip of wanting to go, it was weak overall, but it was chill for the most part. mel, jenn, vince, mookie, ana, tina and i went. so here you go:

cheers to the past, present and future; this one's for you.

You're throwing everything you have at me
Cheap shots, low blows, will you ever let it go
You're so pathetic, give it a rest
You're not gonna win, you're never gonna

You love the sound of your own voice
And the crown of death upon your head, come on
You and all your royalty, on the edge of infamy
You're going to taste my fist

You're so good at stretching the truth into a sugar coated lie
Everyone takes a bite
I have been dining with the enemy
It was a wolf in sheep's clothing, now it's so clear to me

I've had enough of your games
If your not trembling you'd better be
Cause we're gonna be the end of you
I've had enough of your games
I'm gonna show them who you really are
I can tell you right now, it wont be pretty

I can't convince anyone, anything
Provoking the anger of, a jealous god
Still you spin a web of lies, fear, lust, pride, greed and shame
You said no one, oh, you said no one escapes the pain

I've had enough of your games
If your not trembling you'd better be
Cause we're gonna be the end of you
I've had enough of your games
I'm gonna show them who you really are
I can tell you right now, it wont be pretty

I'm a coward not a fighter, disguised as a lover
In disguise, in disguise
For so long now, you held me down
You held me, you held me down
You held me down
You held me down for so long
But its not gonna last
Cause I can see right through your beautiful eyes

I've had enough of your games
If your not trembling you'd better be
Cause we're gonna be the end of you
I've had enough of your games
I'm gonna show them who you really are
I can tell you right now, it wont be pretty

You're throwing everything you have at me
Cheap shots, low blows, will you ever let it go
You're so pathetic, give it a rest
You're not gonna win, you're never gonna

oh i wish.

i'm sleepy, tired, just mostly eh, chill. haha, its a nice feeling, not overworked, wasn't stuck home, just got to... relax, finally.

i been looking around and seeing people's stuff for gradnight, school stuff, talking about senior shingdigs and what not. and i'm so jealous of everyone. i miss highschool, maybe rod, even though it was super gay being in there... but i have to admit, school was dope. i miss the class of 08'. i miss lunch and i miss those windy hallways, and just seeing and hearing all those things it really just makes me sad.

ms gordon's class eating string cheese and hearing sex weekend stories with alexa, gino and jake. planning random trips and taking/making cool ass photo things in third period. have random and hella funny lunch times. laughing my ass off in video production with gay ass mr. jefferies. throwing paper shaving into mark's hair in mr. ferrrrrg's class. jesse providing me aderol pills in hella gay ass math. and getting scared and raped by andre in "laaaaaaaaaaaaaanndeeels" class. and dope ass passing periods crackin' up over stupid shit, and hella body heat in cj's giant ass umbrella.

i'm super jealous of all the vallejo schools and etc, they get to go to L.A and different parts and just do hella fucking dope shit with their class, and while at rod, we only got to go to great america for senior trip. and had fucking gradnight at school, that i didn't go to at all. and all these people are so lucky and half of them aren't even taking it all in. i'm like what theee, man if our school got to do that... it woulda been dope as fuck. i wish i got to go to different theme parks and go to different things like that with everyone...

if i could re-do highschool all over again...i wouldn't miss it for the world.

and...

the blogging feels blank, nothing really to say.

butterflies are in bloom, embracing every touch, kiss, and just spending time with you makes those butterflies go insane. i'm not going to lie.. those next 4 days is going to feel like 4 long weeks.

and it goes like this.

wake up. wash up. eat/computer/tv. shower. get ready. safeway. computer. and wake up to do it all over again.

im craving for a cigarette, a comfy bed and company would be nice too.

sometimes i think, i'm better then this.

and i would like to know how it feels again to be out and about with everyone, who makes my world... i been trapped doing the same routine, EVERYDAY.

everything in between.

so sick, so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick;

we're both magnificent liars, so crush me baby i'm all ears.

hello and goodbye.

i'm exhausted as hell, sitting here just got home from work. my feet are killing me, felt like i spent the whole day walking around disneyland without of course the excitement of spending a million dollars on food and random items, riding dope ass rides, and the many random faces walking and running into you. i'm tired, and i'm so glad i'm off the next two days, i'm ready to relax.

when i was driving back home, just thinking about random stuff, and i realized what date it was today. may nineteen twothousandnine. officially two years ago, kevin made it officall between him and i; remembering the exact place, time and words that were said. its crazy, because it never really hit me how long ago it was. it would of been fuckin' TWO years if shit was still intact.. and thats crazy long. i started to kind of think just random good ass times we had together as boyfriend & girlfriend, and just being cool ass friends, but somehow it all got poured down the drain.

i mean things happen right? and i'm really ain't complaining. i learned alot of things; relationships, real friends, drama, people, me, and love overall. people tend to say love is stupid, and "its not real". i can understand where people come from because half the time all you get is jealousy, obsessiveness, needy, stupid arguments and the trust can be unbearable. but i believe overall, love is amazing. i have no words to explain how it works, and how it feels, but shit; it fucking feels so damn good even with all those horrible shit in the end. i wouldn't mind to find love again, but thats till then. people just need to have faith, because one heart break shouldn't kill the way you think about this so thing called, "love".

i'll admit, i still have love for him, and still miss him once in a blue moon, but i mean... things happen for the better. i love the friends i have, the way my family is now, i have someone who makes me completly happy, &&& i'm such better and stronger person. & honest to god; my life is offically good, and i'm trying to stay postive through all the things i'm going through. i make mistakes and will make them, and i admit i became a tad bit lazy being a good friend and person this past month; but i'm ready to pick up my slack and take complete control.

and i wish you the best, and goodluck with whatever your heart takes you.

*thanks for good times, laughs and memories.

& with that said... i been moved on over & done with, and so better off.

to you.

I’ve been jumping from the tops of buildings
For the thrill of the fall, ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence
My bones have shattered, my pride is shattered
And in the midst of this self inflicted pain, I can see my beautiful rescue

I’m falling more in love with every single word I withhold
I’m falling more in love with every single word you say
I’m falling head over heels for you…

I’ve been dancing on the tops of buildings
At the top of my lungs I’m singing you a song “don’t you leave me alone”
My bones are shattered, my pride lay shattered
Well I’ll trample my pride and tell the whole world to dance with me

I’m falling more in love with every single word I withhold
I’m falling more in love with every single word you say
I’m falling head over heels for you again.

Well I’m crying out, wash my hands these bloody hands Lord,
Open my mouth and I'll sing, woah oh oh oh.

I’m falling more in love with every single word I withhold
I’m falling more in love with every single word you say
I’m falling head over heels for you.

I’ve been dancing on the tops of buildings, with you.

don't trip chocolate chip.

my day was upside down, sideways, up and down. i got to feel the great sun, and get confused by the gloomy clouds and overpowering winds, what a fucking day right

i wake up on my first day off in like forever, didn't get close to sleeping in because my dad killed it by asking some stupid ass question, then forced me to wake up to clean the guniea piggys. me and teejay ran around in my court, god fucking shit that dog can run hella fast with this wiener dog like legs. i finally got to see and chill; catch up with alexaaa, i missed herr and she brought me a lovely jonas poster. :] thank you!

got ready, get swooped by vince and head to yo sushi! and ateee sushiii and rice. ahaha, hella yummy; and i looked like a lightweight little kid w/ my pikachu backpack smokin' a cig, and these 3 white ladies kept staring hella hard. swooped up alexis and head out to concord, and fucking almost die on the way there because someone has negative bars. i saw jessica there, and visited again, the bestfriend. :] failed at finding a fucking hat for vince and hella saw tim & earl there. visited vince's friend and went to sports att. and played some golf. i hella won :] ahaha and met some worker there and turned the simulator thingy on for us and played for hella long; and this black dude hella showed us up... stupid bitch. hanged out with the bestfriend on his lunch, and finally got some earrings for vince -_- and headed out. LOL fucking vince had a flea/tick in his car and we all were screaming and some of his school papers flew out the window. hahahahaha.

got coals, a bowl, stole some foil met up with baby, so sad. D: im so sorry for taking so long! toook hella deep to burn the coals, and my depression kicked in. it sucked, to just think of everything at once. but we hookah, and i forgot after a while... when we decided to spilt... fucking a cop came up and stalked our asses and had to pull a move to park on my drive way. hahaha.

had a very emotional talk with baby on the way, and i cried my ass off. to be honest, i been stressed and very depressed this past week, its been incredibly sucky to feel the way i do. and i guess crying and venting made me feel better though. i'll hopefully get everything out tomorrow, and hopefully things will get better, because i really really want it to. babe, thanks though. you make me feel really good, and happy.

in n out was dope. ate some french fries even though it took hella FUCKING long. and i saw rah rah there saying " you got skinnier " -_-. coooool. tried to slap in the parking lot, major fail. hahaha vince: " DUDE DO YOU HEAR/SEE IT RATTLING?! " failure. haha

overall, my day was pretty dope, it was good to enjoy my day off away from home, away from fairfield, forgetting the stuff that has been bothering me this past week. i really felt like i haven't been out, or anywhere in so long, so maybe i was too juiced today to be out. and i'm ready to just be happy and be like this all the time. i'm so down. goodnight.

i need to stop this:

hmph.

i'm quite tired, maybe too excited for the fact i'm actually have days off; tomorrow and thursday. i'm just so over work, its really insane, i really feel like a safeway slave, such major fail.

today wasn't too bad. work was easy, always fun when johnny and josh are around. chatted wif mommy, and kiiii-lyeee, please get better<3. concord, saw the bestfriend & hanged with mah-tt for a bit and called it a night... i'm in hella car search mode... even though to be honest? i doubt i'll get one anytime soon... but i'mma try to figure this shit out soon.

i'm so in a fucking weird up and down mood. i'm currently angry, frustrated, sad, torn, broken, so confused as hell, i can't understand why this seems to end up happening. i'm honestly trying, trying really hard. i'm trying to bite the bullet and trying to patch up the things i can clearly see what i'm doing wrong here. i want a break, and fucking vacation for crying out loud. i just want to get away from every single person here, and just take a breather for myself. i want to just think clearly for once, so i can understand what's going down right now, this very second of time, what's been floating around, coming out of every one's mouths, just wanting to somehow make to it to the person who might somewhat be the problem.

i'm really really trying to not cry or be a baby about it or seem like i'm the victim or anything of some sort, because for sure, i'm trying to be on the same page as you and as everyone else might be. i feel like i'm cut short again. like i want to explain and i want to show and tell you about everything, but all of this... is just too much.

i feel like im losing, even though i don't even know the game that's being played here. i don't want to loose you, him, her, them, everyone. and i just want to know the answers to fix this. to fix this weird tension between you and i. i want to regain the relationship we had, AND have. i don't want to end up feeling like... i failed, or i fucked up when, reallly.... to be honest i don't think i didn't fuck up completely. because i mean i admit i haven't been here, or act like i don't want to be around. i admit i been a bad friend, and been a complete ghost. come on, cut me some slack; because i think maybe we need to just meet half way.. but you must know and always know, even if the days i would be with you everyday ended up turning to days i hardly see you... your always first. number one. uno. always.

i'm think my communication skills have weaken, and i think maybe i was really bad at it in the beginning. i need to work on alot of things, and its now on my list. ugh, i need to keep up, because... maybe i'm just behind.

lord fucking help me.

when maybe i thought i was almost up close to being completely happy? it seems to just always come right back down and be right where i started. reality is such a fucking wake up call. stop dreaming aeriel.

"test of friendship." good one.

uh huh.

i'm tired, my legs hurt from walking everywhere. i keep on debating on either sleeping or trying to figure out where to put that damn wood, if its still in the yukon...

work was most def. gay until james left; i always seem to be in like a hella better mood when he's gone, and everyone just gets all more happy. james ended up talking to me about that "checker" opening, and supposly its for night crew, and FUCK THAT; but for some reason it just sounds so... ify. i don't know, but we'll all find out soon. i work again in the morning, i was suppose to be off; but marisa was like can you cover brian's shift? and i'm like god damnnit, you let me get a way with everything... so fine. ahaha.

i get to see bestfriend on thursday, since he'll be coming down and we are gonna eat lunch together to catch up on EVERY SINGLE DETAIL that has happened in the past week. haha, man i got stories for you.

hmph, so i offically am just happy! i mean, really.. i'm happy; minus the whole not seeing some friends and what not, but i'll fix that pronto! and on a different note; i just kind of wish, maybe can you be happy for me too? this time i'm not gonna lie, its alot different. trust me, and for sure.. i think i can do this; and if i'm wrong in the long run, you won. its just so hard to actually maybe being TRUELY happy if i have thoughts, and just knowing your uncomfortable with all of this, and it kind of hurts. buttttt then again i can maybe see why you probably think the way you do. but i got this.

i think i should head to bed, or figure out if that wood IS still out there. ugh, super fail.

and its been forever.

i haven't blogged, for reasons.. busy busy busy. i dont got time, and when i do got time, i'm either too fucked up, or either too tired to even function. my days consist of home, work, try to hang out, work again in the morning.

i been at fucking safeway almost EVERYDAY, like literally. i got fucking HELLA hours this week, 41 hours. -_- and it sucks, because i'm literally so done with work. my body is about to give up, and mentally i can't keep up. i just have to keep positive, and know its all for money. fuck. like today, i work fuckin' 11:45 to 8:45. so fuckin' long. ugh, i have neg. time to go out, and actually hang out or even do anything. this lightweight fails.

so recently when i do have time, i been pretty much everywhere or... at least try D:, even if its a random stop down the street to hookah. haha. i hookahd hella times in a car, in my house -_-, so random. haha. i went to berkley, and even went to the city for a bonfire. " AWE NIGGA AWE." i had a pretty intense week, and trust me it was CRAZY. i have to admit, maybe i am one of the luckiest people alive -_-. oh man, oh man. from getting pulled over, and getting let go. FUCK. haha, and thats another story to tell.

i miss everyone, even though i mean like i see everyone but i miss having free time. i feel like all i do now, or how my schedule will be looking is work work work work. like on friday i work 12 - 9. its like WHAT THE FUCK. gimme a break! things have been up and down, with friends, and i admit, i have been m.i.a. but you must know, its not even like that. but taking mature moves like having a non-homo talks, and fix it, but sucks when you really want to prove it.. i got work to kill it. i'll make it up, promise... because i don't want to seem like i'm giving off excuses, even if it might take a tad longer -_-, sorry. because you know, you guys are ALWAYS first. always. even if i fail of showing it.

and when i fix that.... pretty much with everything, i'm pretty much happy. mom's home, work got me to be ballin' soon. i love all my friends, because they are all pretty much the dopest people out there. i got someoneee, who makes me completly happy, laughing, smiling, becoming like basically one of my bestfriends. i loveee it. speaking of bestfriends, i miss morgan D: .

here's some random photos:

and its wednesday.

yeah yeah i failed, so you can stfu now -_- seriously. you guys are hella annoying. anyways; here is some of my non-"fail"-pictures. thanks guys, for making me feel like an complete idiot. and im hella tired and sick of you guys putting me on blast.

and to be honest; i think my problem with my self esteem, feeling super self conscious is starting to start up again. i remember having this problem back in sophmore year. i would never eat in front of anyone, never wanted to eat. wanting to throw up everything if i did want to eat. i even became super depressed, and no one never had a clue, until... some markings came into play. i still kinda see them still, and thats something i do regret... but the way people can make you feel, with a stupid ass comments and even with one stupid picture. and maybe even a couple more, over analyzing shit is making me go insane. i'm starting to dislike the way i look, i hate the way i just.. oh my god. this time i admit, i think i failed.

i have a sweet tooth.

i'm like craving for many things sweeeet. i want more of twin's frosty. i want some mint chocolate ice cream. i want chocolate strawberry's. i want jamba juice. and i want more of matt<3 .

i finnaly, kinda catched up on my sleep, and my back still hurts like a fucking bitch. i need a massage badly. i might ask my mom to do it sometime soon, last night she offered to go get massages! i woke up around 3 today, and suprisingly my dad or no one came to wake me. i hanged out with matt, hella got my prom pictures, got randomly perked -_-, met twin, alexis and krissy at wendys. went to scandia, played ddr, time crisis ( matt you fail ), and uh that one game... ahaha. almost died. went to vallejo; got blasted. chilllllllllllled, ;] and what not.

here's more pictures from prom :

*ill scan and post the ones we took at the studio sooon. :]

what a weekend.

this week, this weekend has beeeeen so busy busy busy. i was such a busy bee this week. haha, man. club. work. prom. my mom. WOO! :] i loved this week.

prom overall was pretty much crackin'. thanks alexa for doing my hair and makeup. :] the bus was crackin'. the prom was crackin'. the after bus was crackin'. hanging out with babe for even the little while was crackin'. i had fun. me and robert still need to pick up our pictures. -_-... i would write alot more about prom but, to be honest i'm so lazy to explain. all you need to know is, i had funnnn. i got to get dressed up. i got to see old friends, and have new ones. i got gig all night long, with my sore legs STILL starting off from the club. a good 100+ worth dollas spent. hahaha.

my moms home you guys! i love her to death, and im so happy she's back home. our house seems to be ALOT cleaner, even bought us fucking grocerys the first hour she's back here. thanks mommmmy.

i got to also hang out with my lovely today, even if it was just for a short while. yo sushi, so yummy. watching fantasy factory.... and... o_O?! hahaha. shhh. yay. THANKS! <3you.

hello prom.

its weird this year, maybe because i remember last year. a tad more juiced, less stress because it ain't my prom.

juiced to get dressed up. juiced to reunite with others. juiced to gig all over again. and juiced.. because im fucking juiced!

now about sunday. mom, you are the most confusing person on the planet right now. i hope work lets we get off early somewhat.

and now im going to start off me day.

post pictures later. mhm. :]

happy saturday.

ps: ... i wanna seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuu! <3

you know who you are porkchop. ah kekeke.

thank god its friday.

oh my gosh, happy may first. april is finnally over. this month has been fuckin' insane, man. it feels nice to kind of restart yeah? .. even though i'm not gonna lie i still got plently of things on my mind.

i haven't blogged in a while, just don't got the time. can't go on the computer, sidekick takes to long. you knoww? but anywho; last night i was at glaskat for bayhype's Freeze event. Overall, i had fun, and it was crackin' for me. hahaha. i went with alexa, rachel, v-shon, and matt. it was weird not going with the usuals D: fucking vince for being a faggot, alexis and his gayself, even mookie?! what the. i even saw my cousins there, patrick and justin. hahaha, too bad jamie you didn't go! i was hella drunk -_-, so dehydrated.

today i have to fuckin' work all day, and i fucking CLOSE on a fucking friday. while everyone is having a happy friday, juiced about whatever their about to do, im standing around, pushing carts and cleaning for fucking gayway. D: so sad. and prom is tommorow! i gotta clean my fucking dress tonight -_-, THANKS TEEJAY. clean my mom's room and mine. then make last minute shit for prom too. fml.

then if im able to switch so i can get my mommy on sunday!? i have to work at 7am. D: omg, im gonna be wiped out, trust me. and i still gotta get my paramore TICKETS?! OMFG. im so broke. i need it to be fucking thursday NOWz!!!!

i wanted to blog about something else.. but i don't feel like it now. i just know, i'm happy and i don't think i should go and worry about little minor details right? mhm, what a complicated process, feels so good but at the same time its so.. ugh. i dont even wanna know.

have fun on your happy friday. D: