hmph.

i'm quite tired, maybe too excited for the fact i'm actually have days off; tomorrow and thursday. i'm just so over work, its really insane, i really feel like a safeway slave, such major fail.

today wasn't too bad. work was easy, always fun when johnny and josh are around. chatted wif mommy, and kiiii-lyeee, please get better<3. concord, saw the bestfriend & hanged with mah-tt for a bit and called it a night... i'm in hella car search mode... even though to be honest? i doubt i'll get one anytime soon... but i'mma try to figure this shit out soon.

i'm so in a fucking weird up and down mood. i'm currently angry, frustrated, sad, torn, broken, so confused as hell, i can't understand why this seems to end up happening. i'm honestly trying, trying really hard. i'm trying to bite the bullet and trying to patch up the things i can clearly see what i'm doing wrong here. i want a break, and fucking vacation for crying out loud. i just want to get away from every single person here, and just take a breather for myself. i want to just think clearly for once, so i can understand what's going down right now, this very second of time, what's been floating around, coming out of every one's mouths, just wanting to somehow make to it to the person who might somewhat be the problem.

i'm really really trying to not cry or be a baby about it or seem like i'm the victim or anything of some sort, because for sure, i'm trying to be on the same page as you and as everyone else might be. i feel like i'm cut short again. like i want to explain and i want to show and tell you about everything, but all of this... is just too much.

i feel like im losing, even though i don't even know the game that's being played here. i don't want to loose you, him, her, them, everyone. and i just want to know the answers to fix this. to fix this weird tension between you and i. i want to regain the relationship we had, AND have. i don't want to end up feeling like... i failed, or i fucked up when, reallly.... to be honest i don't think i didn't fuck up completely. because i mean i admit i haven't been here, or act like i don't want to be around. i admit i been a bad friend, and been a complete ghost. come on, cut me some slack; because i think maybe we need to just meet half way.. but you must know and always know, even if the days i would be with you everyday ended up turning to days i hardly see you... your always first. number one. uno. always.

i'm think my communication skills have weaken, and i think maybe i was really bad at it in the beginning. i need to work on alot of things, and its now on my list. ugh, i need to keep up, because... maybe i'm just behind.

lord fucking help me.

when maybe i thought i was almost up close to being completely happy? it seems to just always come right back down and be right where i started. reality is such a fucking wake up call. stop dreaming aeriel.

"test of friendship." good one.