round two.

lets try this one more time, i'm going to finally try to write everything down. to release those lost, confused thoughts out, and get time to relax and breathe.

this weekend has been in its worse, i thought almost opposite about a week ago, because i won't lie, i was overly juiced for this weekend. i thought i was going to be able to gig, and enjoy a different environment i haven't been to in a while... that was a fail. i thought i was going to get fucked up in a nice hotel room, with all the dressed up people, but it only lasted for like 3 hours because it was over cigarettes. i thought those shots and brownie would a put me in my place, but they actually tossed me around and made me be lost for the rest of the night.

this weekend, i couldn't believe the things i heard, the things i felt, and the things i never thought would of happened, happened. i got told i wasn't the best person out there, being stuck in denial and still pondering if everything is still a bit ify. i'm still lost, and gathering up your words. i'm going to repeat them over and over until i get it right, and i'm sorry for the way you feel, and to all the things i did to hurt you. this is will be all fixed... somehow.

i couldn't believe the feelings i felt, right when i heard your voice. i never want you to see the way i was that night. i felt pathetic and useless, and being in the state i was in, i didn't want to see anyone. the things i thought, and the things that was just screaming in my head.. what was i suppose to do? but the weirdest thing you were right next to me, pretty much making sure my existence wasn't going to waste. i'm still confused, and it makes the situation for me even more confusing. i'm back to almost stage one, and it sucks because all i can do is blame myself. even with all the confusion raging, thanks though...for taking care of me.

now i want a restart button, and i'm going to take this in a little different. i need to take time off, of my intense outings and relax one time. i hope i get to find a backbone, to help me realize theres still hope... and i hope this weekend can top last weekend... please. paramore & loveEvolution.

lost.

i'm too confused right now, to even blog about anything.

blank.

i wanted to blog away, but as i thought of all the thoughts i wanted to jog down,

... i caught myself again. i need to stop that now.

i think... you might be slightly missed.

sitting here, being here, finally taking a break from this intense busy weekend is definitely is a breather. i'm lightweight tired, high, lost, and a tad bit confused.

friday night was exciting, going to blow up with over 15 people and plus meeting up with my cousin and his friends. i got to get rid of my dance crave and got to see a stupid show with people with giant egos. saturday, i basically function the day with only 3 tosin' and turin' hours, doing errans to attending jd's shindig. sunday, was filled with a couple hours of work, and going on a mission and getting blasted in vallejo, and i must agree... "how the hell do you do it? you never get any sleep."

so the weekend has been crackin', and chill, but with that said, alot more over floating thoughts have been hitting me also. i been upset about my poor spending habits down to that thing that was "the last thing on my mind."

i don't know what it is, or how do you do it. from the feeling of being completely frustrated and angry, to feeling akward and nervous butterflies, to the last feeling of being slightly missed. i don't know why till now, i'm still bipolar on the way i feel. i wish i could of took the time to tell you things thats been going on, the things i've witness and done, i want to show you it all. i need to also realize that i might be over thinking this, for all the countless hints for myself, i don't need to waste my time on something that doesn't matter anymore.

all i really do want, i think..... is the way were we were before things got complicated, to where feeling got developed.. to where we drove, sat and talked about things we kept in for so long. you know, the secrets you never want to repeat again.. i want to go back then and tell how much i think i made the risk worthy.. until we fast forward and knew it was too late.

eh.

my brain is currently in a state of nonsense, doing the most of thinking over the top. thinking of the things currently happening, thinking about the hopeless past, thinking about how pathetic i might be doing, this whole entire time.

i feel like lately my mood has definitely has fallen then it ever has. i been doing so good, i've been looking forward, thinking positive as hell, doing things that has been keeping me satisfied all a long.. but for some reason i felt like its all been taken away.

i feel like i been let down, feeling like i'm doing something wrong but i don't even know where to begin. i hate feeling like this, i hate it even more for the fact i don't know where the fuck it came from. i guess for just those random nights, i was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

for the reason of being let down, the things people do makes me wonder over and over. i absolutely hate being lied to, just thinking of past unexpected lies makes me cringe, its one of my worse nightmares. when promises are broken, esp. the ones right in your face, oh man, shoot me already. all i ask is pure honesty, to keep the bond of our friendship for heaven sakes, to keep the words that came out of your mouth kept? then just do it.

yuck, please give me something to be proud of again.

all i want

is a restart button.

b r e a t h e .

This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

and

life has been very good, and i wouldn't change it for anything.

and if i wanted to tell you what has been happening... i wouldn't... because you should of just been there right next to me, but its definitely your fault.

and for everything else? you people are oh too funny.

stolen.

yuck. yuck. yuck.

my head is all mumble jumble right now. i'm so lost and fustraded i want to rip something apart.. okay.. well i'm not that angry, i'm just bleh. its just all the paramore concert coming up, this never ending search of finding last minute tickets.. its just too much for my obsessed paramore mind.

its getting really hot and stuffy in my room, and its not helping my headache. today was chill, and random. i got to spend the end of the day with poodle and melanie, on my search for my fail ticket search. "get out of my face!" i also got to see jeremy ( jeremy, you are one hell of a person. i fucking love your funny ass ahaha.) , ben, nick, marliynn, tyler, nessi, and later melanie and i got to catch up chadwic and i also saw alexis from afar. haha.

so now i'm pretty much chillen, posted here on the computer, still on the search for my tickets. chatting it up on aim, and trying to prepare my loan speech to my favorite bankers in the world. i'm pretty much sickly right now. nothing physically or health wise, i'm sick mentally and a tad bit sick emotionally. its just the fact how people are, esp. over the years, you see where people are.. and its like you wonder what the fuck their thinking.

i hate hearing about fucking rapists and fucking crazy ass people doing some dumb ass shit. i'm sick of fucking seeing fake ass relationships and dirty ass people thinking their in so called, "love". i def. don't know how the human mind works, but its pretty fucking insane.

when you give me a good reason why you do the shit you do, and just involve yourself in things that don't make sense, then you got me. till then, fuck you and your dirty nonsense.