my hands, cold as ice.

i'm tired as hell, like my body is about to collapse to the floor, i have negative energy, its quite annoying.

spacing out today in the dark room, made me think to every last memory i could every think of. i touched my face with my cold hands and it flashed me back to memories of just different times when people grabbed my face to grab my attention, to try to make me laugh, to even times when it was simple enough to say "i love you." Just remembering someone holding me and looking the way they do.. made my heart drop. i felt my heart literally beating slower and it made me cringe of every thump i heard.

i started to wonder if it was really down to the point why this all really happened. why did i make the certain friends i made. why did our love came to and end. and what was the real reason why i fell in love. and the longer i started to think, the more lost i felt because the answer wasn't... there at all. ... my head hurts everyday, its even down to the point where i start loosing my breath and the reasons of drinking and smoking come in to play. and i literally keep thinking how the hell this whole love thing works.

i never want to cry again. i never want to feel bad for myself. and i never ever want to hear someone tell me they love me, if i'm going to loose the person i fell for maybe... forever. and the sad part is, i never got to officially say goodbye to that love. and whenever i might find that person again, i just wanted to say i miss you.