my body and head aches

and screams for help.

im tired.. but cant sleep. im hungry.. but dont want to eat.
i feel sad for then again i'm starting to get the hint its all over.

i been having or trying to fun, to get my mind off that certain someone.

i want to be happy again, the happy - go me i'm usually am,
i can't believe how someone can have a big impact on the way i live my life now, i feel sick all the time, i feel so useless and pointless.

honestly, i just want to fix things. and hopefully with the talk happening today, i hope i can talk it out. but if not. my life will not be over, just sad and depressing for the next couple days, weeks, or even months.

a year is hard to forget, so don't think i can get up and move on. i'm honestly trying my best to keep that smile on my face, but its not happening.

i just wish and hope the better things for you, you deserve someone way better than i, i'm sorry for every wasting your time, and making you feel like shit for my stupid actions. i just want the best for you, and i swear i can help you through this all, but i cant help if you wont let me.
' i love you with all my heart,and always be here, no matter how many times i scream, i hate you.
i dont want to take down the pictures or hide the stuff you gave me, i dont want want to put it away. i want you back so badly. seriously so badly... i cant force someone to love me back. but makes you wonder if the past things were lies.

you you helped me through so much, and i just miss you and will probably for the rest of my life. dont think its sounds corny but its honestly the way i feel.




man.

i miss you kevin.

im fucking irritated.

scratch all that shit i said before. i fucking HATE everything thats happening in my so called "love" life. and how just tiny things it could CHANGE EVERYTHING.

WHAT THE FUCK. im so sick of this bullshit and how its so fucking irritating.
i hate how you make such an impact of my life to make me fucking go to the lowest level i can ever be.

i never felt more like shit and have to cry every fucking time i think of you. i hope you dont stress anymore and i hope you are doing good without me. BECAUSE thats how your fucking expressing everything.

you i never wanted to actually say maybe i never wanted to be in a relationship with you. because look what your doing to me. making me fucking sick and how badly now i want to drink every day. i want to maybe try OTHER fucking shit i hate. i should take pills again. i should cut myself the way i use to. THANKS for DOING THIS IS ME AGAIN.

and you promise that you would never hurt me.




asjadshkddsl FUCK.


can i just be happy now.

i can starting to feel the "happy" in.

yes yes. well now that its offically FRIDAY...
i didnt get to type up my blog for THURSDAY...

haha.

THURSDAY:
i wake up... HELLA TIRED.. im bout to tell robby to fucking walk or some shit to school. i cant be like very other normal person out there and actually sleep in right? ugh. haha

hella bored, check my phone around 12, i get 9 texts :) yayyy! hahah.
uhm.. around 2ish i leave and walk to matts to find brain, robby, andrew, ian and oliver there.
then morgan pops out of no where and so does cj.
andrew robby and morgan were on a team while the other was ian oliver and matt in a game of SKATE. hahahaha who won twice?! ARM. hahah fun fun.
it felt good to hang out with besties in a while. A CHECK IN MY LIST the one from the other blog -----> hang out with best friends cas its beeen to long.

i tell jasmine to go outside to help me register. and its finnaly done, i crack up playing with her mac book and take hella pictures. hahah

finnaly wanted to go eat food, so melanie comes down to come through and so does daniel, and i drive the big white suv with mostly everyone. crackin. go to subway where.

"DUDE YOU GOT "CRUMBS" ON YOUR LIPS"

hahahahah get it?!

daniel and them go somewhere else to eat...... after subway we head to tapioca express. and get yummy snow bubble dranks. haha

then finnaly split and say goodbye and head home.. i wait to see if i would hang with kevin, and finding out, it wont happen.
i just wish we did, but i think its for the better, we are on this so called "break"... but can we still hang and be friends, thats the only thing that irritates me.. i swear i miss him thats it.

kt heads over and we watch the ABDC2 on mtv.. and then meet brandon outside, chat on the phone with morgan for a quick sec then finnaly meet with don and i drive to coldstone.
it was so yummy, thank you brandon, i feel bad that them three always pay for me :( i need a jov to repay SO many people back.

go to baldos.... OH SHIT.. man that shit was tooo fucking funny.
inside jokes. and don.. tsk tsk. haha i had my best to nights in a row.
i get lightening mcqueen :) then i get a yellow ring.. WOWIE! hahahaha.

head home and we watch wild n out for a bit.. and then they leave.
jasmine cries for my company cas shes bored outside her house with matt, mike, jordan and all those peeps.
we chat for a bit.. then finnaly chill in mikes car.. haha CRACKIN. singing songs, take hella crazy pictures, and talk about if im going with them to marine world. i actually want to go now, cas those people arent that bad, actually cool :) hahaha. A CHECK IN MY LIST the one from the other blog -----> meet new people.

PARTYPARTYPARTY i must please. :) july 4th is up too. yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
and hopefully throw one on the 5th. yee!

im actually in a good mood finnaly.
im proud of myself, from the urge of texting, i miss you baby, but i finnaly have stand up for myself. man. boys suck tho.
but remember,

W H E N E V E R Y O U A R E R E A D Y. Y O U ' L L K N O W W H E R E T O F I N D ME <3

UH, YES, I NEED IT BADLY. MY MIND IS CRAVING.

this headache

just keeps getting worse.

my hands smell like garlic cas i chopped some up.. and now its there forever. lol ok maybe for the next few days but oh well.

i feel maybe a little better.. but def not the best i can be.
i'm starting to give up with the boy deal, and maybe put my mind in a place where i can focus on things i need to do on my own, and not in other peoples hand.

excercise and get fresh air more.
get that job, and hopefully acting again.
i want a new style, and a new hair cut.
i wanna meet a couple more people
and reunite with a few.
i want to skate around the block and practice the tricks i used to kick ass at.
i want to spend more time with the people i def. care for, and hopefully they feel the same.

i just want to refresh and take risks.

and give up bad habits im gaining.
some certain foods, maybe certain people, maybe some certain cravings.
i feel smarter. and proud of myself of relalizing things and just.... not to sound corny, but life.

i mean its hard. and i know i will cry a couple more nights, and i will be emotional for the next few days, but i think i can live. or hope.

just hopefully i can do this.

damn.

so i havent really wrote in here because of reasons : i am lazy. i don't have time. computer is kinda stupid. and i just... dont want to.

but to tell you the truth i probably will from now on.

my weeks my months my life so far after graduation has been hectic.

I j u s t w a n t a n e w s t a r t.

i mean. i feel like i havent hang out with my best, best friends in like forever.

i feel not loved and not cared for in so long.

i need a fucking getaway. maybe some new fun. maybe new people in general.

i dont want to move on or to get on with my life. i liked it how it all use to be.

plainly simple.

everyday was maybe quite the same but at least a day to remember.

i want things to go back. i hate crying i hate stressing and feeling fustrated at everything.

i miss just you and i, dammit.

i feel like i fucked up and my world is turning almost upside down.

im honestly trying to make myself be happy and let things go. but its so fucking hard. your life seems alot more easier without me. great. i feel like crying.

but honestly why waste emotions on you.

sometimes its hard to except things and stop thinking of stupid shit that you might be moving on.

i just want to drop the question.

when will you be ready.

im sick of dudes like fucking flakes. and fucking liars. and fucking everything.

AND I WONDER... why i never wanted to be in a relationship back then.

because someone always gets hurt. i never wanted to develop feelings for another cas, look where am i now. i cant fucking sleep another night without crying or thinking about you.

FUCK YOU. i hate this stupid shit.

i just want you back in any way possible.

oh yeah i won a lion first T at dennys earlier tonight.

tiiiiiiiiiiiiight, and love guru sucked.

it sucked like how some people cant say anything if they dont want to come or cant show up.

FLLLLLAKE.

i love alexa by the way. shes one of my main besties.

happy not friday the 13th.

last night. FUN!
crackin. i love it; some regrets, but we move on of course.
uhm.. i got a headache
i hardly i never fucking write in this. how lame
ill write more later.
i think morgans gonna come and chill.
okay gooodbye!