theres something about it...

& i still don't know.

good day

this week needs to end fast.

"breathe for love tomorrow, because there's no hope for today.
breathe for love tomorrow, because maybe there's another way."

sometimes i don't know what i do with myself. i sit and wonder all day about things that don't make sense anymore. for the reasons why they still exist, why they still even matter, and why i fucking still give a damn.

these past two weeks have been really stressful, boring, and lame. i think i had way too much free time, so the over thinking begins. i been thinking too much about life in general, in the categories of work, school, family, money, friends, crushes, just about everything you can think about.

i think when i decided i wanted to put my life back on track, i didn't know it could of get more complicated then this. i haven't touched a blunt, a joint, a pipe since sunday, and it feels good to pass it all up. i know it might not seem like such a long time, yeah four days to be exact... but the way i used to smoke, you have no idea. i feel accomplished that i actually saved money, i'm starting to focus on school alot more, and just to have that feeling of knowing i don't need it, feels pretty god damn good. all power to me.

i felt like i haven't seen my best-est friends, even if it has been only a couple days, a week or so... but to me, those days seem like almost forever, it kills me everyday. i hate busy and mixed up schedules, its really hard to get everyone together, even if its for a couple minutes. i feel torn and lost for friendships that seem to be missing, the ones that feel like their on hold, and i don't like it one bit. i try to keep positive as possible, but at same time, how can i, if the effort is not even 50, 50... its like more of just one person trying, while the other seems like they could careless. you don't know how much it hurts when i'm in situations like this. i get nervous and scared when i feel like i'm loosing someone, especially if the reasons are the REASONS why? its bullshit. all i'm going to say is please don't forget about me, and i hope you are actually really happy with everything you have.

and for everything else, i'm confused, if things don't get any better soon, i'm moving on and that's that.

ps: and yeah and i do like this song by justin bieber.

day two

i'm going to fucking prove you - the fuck - wrong.

restart button please.

i haven't blogged, haven't blogged about things that's actually been on my mind. i feel like its the time to vent. its time to let things go, and try to move forward as possible.

things have been a bit confusing. its never too good, or ever really that bad. i'm just kind of right in the middle. i'm content, i'm always having trouble finding the things that will ever keep me satisfied.

school, wrk is the same thing all over again. safeway is lame, boring and is full with stupid stuck up lazy ass customers. having to use the same stupid fake smile, repeating the same god damn questions, it can get real tiring.. school is boring, and will always be. i never have quite the interest to actually do shit for it, but this time i have to suck it up and hopefully do good, and get this damn program out of the way.

i have been torn the past months, weeks and days. i feel like i have been stuck thinking and wondering about who, and what might be good for me. to be honest, i had options open up like crazy, and i could never figure out... why me? why of all the people YOU want to take the time to know who the hell i am? every person, started to sound alike, started to have the same god damn boring conversations... its all a waste. when i finally narrow my options, i couldn't choose of who seemed a little far more the interesting. one seemed to always step their game up every week, and i drown into my mess of pure confusion.

i wish this was a lot easier. i wish i just know who was going to be worth it... i think i'm so wrapped up on being scared of being hurt again. i been through so much through out the years, i try to think of what i learned. i don't want to repeat the things that remind me why i'm single right now, why i don't try to keep a steady relationship with someone, or why i over think so much. i want to feel the things that made me feel comfortable, that someone that make that uneasy good feeling in my stomach, where they can get me nervous and have shaky hands, i haven't had that in so long, it feels good to finally come somewhat closer to it.

i hope with the decision i currently made today, i hope i'm not making a mistake. and i'm willing to risk it all, just for you. so now, its time to see if... you are feeling the same way too.

and for everything else, i'm officially taking my break with mary jane and to all the non-believers, you can hate all you want but, i'm going to prove you wrong.