emotions running high.

sitting here with a complete confused look on my face, my heart torn into pieces and my brain calculating how much longer can this all go on for. & hello memory lane.

this week, this whole fucking month was so long and is fucking hectic as hell. it was like a big love and hate relationship, man its been irritating. the fact my mom left, life at home is intense and fucking bullshit. my dad's a dick and bi-polar, and i never will understand what goes through his head. work, has been up and down. getting tricked saying ill get promoted, but then everyone else does except me, hella not fair at all. and maybe this time, i finnaly found someone i been wanting in so long, that has so many complicated results, but what can you do? and ill say this to myself over and over again. that's what you get, when you let your heart win. whoa fucking whoa.

i lost and i really don't remember what i was thinking this morning. am i upset, sad, mad as hell, happy to an extent or even maybe a big ball of every emotion out there all in one. im lost for words, im lost of thoughts, im lost for feelings... feelings to ever build up in such a little amount of time. i try to take everyone's advice i have gotten and maybe tried to even listen to my own, but it still never measures up to how fucking hard this is.

i believe i been here before, where i stand, where you stand. i still don't and will never understand, WHY THE FUCK THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS? okay, i'll agree with you this time, life is just so complicated and stupid. because all of this, it honestly makes you go crazy.

i hate liking someone, i hate the whole concept of being in a relationship and i sure fucking do hate thinking this whole" love" thing will come in play sooner or later. but you know what, shit fucking happens. and things happen for a reason, and im thinking now, there must be a reason why you are here. why i'm here feeling like this. i dont want to cry any more, i dont want to feel confused, because i love feeling like i have everything under control, because i will admit.............

i do feel like i have everything. i fucking love my family minus the ones who are fake as hell, and please don't put on a front, we are too grown for this, and i think maybe its time to be on this level. you have no clue how much i love my friends. the friends i have now, and the one i still wonder, what they do everyday. i cherish every single moment, i spend time with you all, because without you, i honestly think i woulda been done for.

and for the person, i have this "thing" with. i really, am here for you. i'm sorry if i haven't gather my thoughts, my feelings, everything in between asap... but i cleary understand where your coming from. i love being around you, being with you, even if its just sitting in a car trying to figure our which song to listen to. and trust me, i been where you are right now, and don't fucking tell me i haven't, because i been through HELL and back. i know how it feels to give up something you had for so long, and did the things you did, to come where you are now? fuck man, i know how the emotions and stress levels run high. so whatever you need, go right ahead. like i said before i'm always here, as your lover and always your friend. but don't get me wrong... what do you except me to say or do? i'm clueless and confused as much as you are, but until then, lets just have fun, do what we need to do, and just forget all that shit. never have doubt, think postive at all costs and never think back on mistakes, past drama, and look forward. the days coming up, today, this minute, thats all that matters, and fucking enjoy it. that goes for you, everyone else, and even me.

"pain, make your way to me, to me. and i'll always be just so, inviting. If I, ever start to think straight this heart will start a riot in me, lets start, start..."