today i opened up some old documents i have made for people in this past year. from writing that ice breaker letter to jake, the goodbye letter to kent and the birthday letter to kevin. i got more sad after i read one after another. jake's was cute. i laughed at the pictures i put there, and how i remember all those times in health. i wish things weren't the way they are now between us, for the fact i don't even know what made us stop talking, which is def i'm still wondering why. kent's letter was funny, the things i wrote, and how much hope and faith i just had into ONE letter, i def. miss ono and esp him. and then.. theres kevins.
it made me sad.. maybe even more then before. i had pictures on the side of him and me, from when we goofed around, to us kissing and in love. i .. just lost words for myself. i even saw things we had of our inside jokes, which made me laugh and def made me miss him. then after i read what i wrote... it was heartbreaking. how much he really meant to me, or maybe how much he actually does now. its hard to read things like that.... i cant seem to find how i felt at that exact moment...writing what i wrote.
"You make me smile and give me butterflies every time I see you. And even being the loser I am, that’s quite impossible to do. I mean I use to dislike this whole boy relationship thing, but you seem to catch my eye, and turn my whole perspective around. I believe I don’t deserve somebody like you because you are def. hilarious, sweet, kind, a monster, a dork, my superman, my everything. I just wanted to make sure no matter what happens to you and me in the future, I’m always will be here for you, down to your cheeze-it, your nigga, your girlfriend, to your best friend."
it hurts.... alot. i got teary eyed from just seeing me so happy, and how it could end so quickly. how someone elses actions can kill every little thing for you. and how that leads to just reasons why i can't go back. and why i can't fix friendships and things that is happening, because i never been so hurt ever in my life. i mean i wish i grasped things when i had it... alot tighter. For the fact i think people just take advantages of the whole situations, its like you just kind of wander off. and when its gone.. you try to search for it so quickly.. and it leads to.... can never find it ....again.
its scary situation because its like im bipolar thinking of this bullshit. ill be happy to remember good times, then get so angry at the people who fucking ruin it, then i get sad for the fact i miss them to me being fucking depressed because why did it happen to me.
and im just so sick of feeling like this, cas i mean im happy with what i have now. i love my friends. i love the relationship i have with my mom, cas our bond is stronger. i love how im independent and single so i dont need to worry about someone there.
and im happy for everyone, even if i have so much hate for them deep inside, but i always have love for you. everyone deserves to be happy at one point, everyone deserves second chances because no one is perfect, i just believe everyone just needs to wake up and see what they are missing..because growing up is a fucking bitch than you'll and i'll ever be. and i just know there's hope and faith somewhere out there, i just.... can't find it yet... but i can feel it, its close.
ps: 19 more days till by birthday bitches :) yesssir LEEGGAAL!
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