speak up bitch.

its been forever..

2010-10-25T22:28:00.001-07:00

but i have a couple things to say...

things are going amaaaaaaaaaazing. i can't ask for anything more.

i have the bestest friends in the world. i have the most BESTESTAMAZINGESTCUTESTAWESOMEST boyfriend ever. i have the most down to earth family. and for everything else everything else is amazing as hell.

SPOOOOOOKFESSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!!!!!!!!!
and holy shit i'm turning 20 soon..... :)

pure happiness.

2010-09-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank god, for giving the best past months, weeks, days i ever had in such a long time. i never been this happy in so long........ i couldn't ask for more :)

photo with the coche

Kadawatha? From Sweden... boring.

NEWFOUNDGLORY.

The lovely Tegan and Sara :) Alligator was my faaaaaav.

HAYLEY WILLIAMS IS GOD.

so adorable i sweaaaaaaaaaaaar.

FRONT RAILING BITCHES.

LOVELOVELOVELOVE ^

That part was amazing.

LUCKY SON OF A BITCHES.

all these NOOBS behind me. SMH.

never fail me at all.

uhm............

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH THIS GUY ^

oh my babyyyyyyyyyyyy. we look cute.

ps: twinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn :) thanks for calling me today! i miss you. i shall buy some film tmmrw and make you a story. i love you!

oh baby.

2010-09-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite people right now. i shall admit... i'm starting to fall. you interest me ever minute i'm with you.. i never felt so comfortable in a very long time. we have that instinct, which scares both shitless.. but that the same time, great minds think alike.
i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you. i like you.

my little teddy bear. YADI-YEE. my baby. JUSTINJUDECALDERON.
3 more days for parmore. 16 more days for kaskade.

oh, you.

2010-09-10T09:15:00.001-07:00

your something different. you make me smile and feel like everything has been set for this. i love how you take my words well, when i mean take things slow.. take things slow. i'm trying to wrap a million thoughts into one measly paragraph. but, with that said, i'm officially happy.

"you popped up just like a daisy for me." spontaneous item, that came out

of no where. surely unexpected, but something i been sure searching for...

i think... you and i? we'll be just fine.

i say thank you, for the awesome lunch at sweet tomatoes, for taking me to see the kickass movie Machete, smoking me out to the fullest... and just spending the day with me. i.like.you.

<3>

ps: and for all you haters out there... honestly? i don't care what you have to say or think.

don't complain about my shit, when you should take a big look and take care of your own

problems.

i'm happy, your happy. lets all be happy.

thats the way it should have always been.

DAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM i wanna eat you alive michelleeeeeee. jesus FUCK.

huajs;klda!?

2010-09-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty crossfaded right now... vince is passed out on my bed because he got fucked up by my drink. ahahaha. today, this week, this pass month has been crazy.. but amazing all in together.

i miss my twin. i'm glad how things are going. things happened that i thought would happen in a long time... happened. i don't know how this all came together... but all i can say is i'm happy.

i so can't type anything anymore. goodnight.

this is quite intresting.

2010-08-31T12:52:00.000-07:00

my past couple days have been awesome. i love it, and i can't ask for anything more.

my vacation comes to an end.

2010-08-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

thank you mom for one of the best relaxing vacations ever. la, disneyland&california adventure, SD, mission beach, belmont park & the last minute kick it for my lovely twin.

tomorrow is the day i go back to work at 6 in the morning, and the day my... MY TWIN leaves to the Airforce... this is depressing as hell, but either way all of us will get the hell out of this town.

i'll be posting up pictures to recap my vacation, but i'll do that sometime this week.

OH HELLO, VACATION & GOODBYE FAIRFIELD.

2010-08-15T02:36:00.000-07:00

break break break! see you in a week. ;)

damn one more day and i'm off to the happiest place on earth.

2010-08-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

sucks, the day before you leave you have to work a 8 hour shift 6'o clock in the am all the way out to the afternoon around 3. right when i get off i have to vacuum, clean the inside and wash the outside. -_- ugh, that car is huge i need help cleaning that car... then i still have to clean my room then pack my clothes. i even still have to return my fail camera charger, go grocery shopping for the trip.. and yadadadadada. I'M FUCKIN' JUICED.
think about this, while your waking up to first day back to school, i'm waking up to going to disneyland. :) 2 days in this bitch, and 3 days to relax beachside in San Diego. oh goodbye fairfield, it will be a lovely vacation away from you.

breathing time.

my body feels like noodles

2010-08-12T16:03:00.001-07:00

i'm so drained from yesterday. i stayed up for exactly 24 hours, but i guess maybe 23 hours becaues i took an hour nap... but still!

last night = antoich with aaron, marcus, sarah, david, jeremy, jdilla, melanie, tai, vince, and jabob. CHADWIC, thanks for the invite, i love you and happpy belated! and i had an awesome time from bacardi gold, nonstop beer and oh yeah, WEED. i was crossfaded, and cold... even though i didn't feel cold.

i'm tired and lazy. i'm so glad i gave up my shift today.. because if not... i would of died.

i have to clean in and out of the yukon, start packing, i still got to pick up my check... and DISNEYLAND IN 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today was chill.

2010-08-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

$$$$ 6am-3pm. hang with alexis, make lumpia. jeremy comes over eat some lumpia, and chill outself. later mini skate session with twin, danielson, oliver, brain, alexis and robby. go home, and now time to sleep. yes! just ordered my free 50 dollar tjmaxx card. thank you safeway bwahah!

$$$$$ again at 6am-3pm.

L.A/SAN DIEGO = 6 more DAYS.

holy fuck

2010-08-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

my body still aches from friday, i have random baby bruises on my arms and legs. that pit was intense when Crystal Castles went one. Oh, do i love you Alice Glass.. the joint smoking and whiskey chugging on stage, pretty bad ass if you ask me. the show overall was pretty dope, dubstep all nightttttt.

yesterday i was running on 5 hours of sleep and slept my horrible blue couch because i came home to find my aunt jacked my bed. a bunch of us went to the benica skatepark and stayed there for a while. it was relaxing to chill and watch people skate. i even rode around the park a little bit and that was fun.

jack and the box, 99cent icees and relax at home for a bit. one on one BP for the rest of the night, daniel won 6 games in a row -_- but i broke his streak. after we kilt the beer, dro and baldos wrapped up the night.

L.A/SAN DIEGO = 7 more DAYS.

i guess happy birthday to you, romeo.

2010-08-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

today was weird. i woke up exactly at 6... remembering i was suppose to clock in at 6, and i got up and was like

" FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, I'M LATE."

i hella rushed and felt like a complete zombie when i got there, so horrible. i'm so glad to be off work. that 10 days literally took forever.

i went to the mall with alexis to find julian&lyss's baby a present, got some cute baby vans & socks. we visited sharee, because i haven't seen her in AAAGEEES. :( it was nice seeing her. we also got some tuttimelon

and chatted with matt&sophia for a little bit. we end up going to wal mart buying random shit and went home. i went to dindin with my mom, my brothers, my dad, my uncle, my aunt and

my baby cousin. we went to golden city in ame

rican canyon. it was actually good for it being our first time. HELLA FULL.

now i'm sleepy and tomorrow...........

10 straight days = $$$$$

2010-08-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

i been working since tuesday, and my next day off isn't till this friday. 10 days, sir. i closed all last week 7pm-12am/3pm-11pm, and had a 10am-7pm shift to transition to my whole week of opening 6am-3pm, at least tomorrow i'm only working 4 hours, i can rest up and actually go out and do something.

MONEYMONEYMONEY.

this friday is the crystal castles, rusko, proxy and siden. i'm juiced, finally going out, great drunk and listen to awesome music. 12 more days till disney land!

here's some random photos:

^ mr.vino took this one [http://vinoisdopetoo.tumblr.com]

^ robert took this one [http://www.flickr.com/photos/filmftw/]

finally my computer is back & alive.

2010-07-31T00:29:00.001-07:00

i have nothing to say really, except things have been going good. playing major BP, and making that money closing every single night this week at safeway. weird enough, they changed up my schedule to make me open every day next week, 6am -3. great, so use to sleeping late, now i have to get use to waking up HELLA FUCKING EARLY. whatever.

ITS FINALLY AUGUST!? ... well almost. YAY!

ps: happy birthday justin!

new layout..

2010-07-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

well, i tried changing this shit because i was getting tired of my old one
and since i'm a lazy shit head today... then why not? i'm not done though. -_- i still got to add things here and there but i'll do that later. i just realized its almost 5PM already?! i woke up super late today.

i got work later tonight.. lucky me.. SIKE! 7:45pm - 12:00am? you must be fucking kidding me... but today is payday! ... and tonight we are redoing our wake and bake since we were all zombies from last night and woke up 5 hours later then we were suppose to... and i'm off tomorrow, going to spend the day with twin, to get my C.C. ticket, and do some random shit.

yay, i think i should go nap or something, then get ready for work. epic fail.

BESTDAY of the summa

2010-07-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

I HAD A FUCKING AWESOME DAY.

slept in, and had an amazing sleep. went to safeway to check about my pre-checker test... and i didn't have to retake it so i turned in my application :D i finally got my new debit card ordered since my old one DIED. D: but i get one with a flower on it... met up with alexis and walked around to kill time and bought drinks & a lunchable... i forced alexis to talk to my manager and he did it, even asked to write down his info and everything... i hope alexis can get a job with us... just hope he ain't lazy -_-

met up with twin, then justin, jen, nicole, bocci and alife and on the way to berryessa. it was fuckin' hot out there... and was really god damn relaxing. they cooked burgers and hot dogs, and we smoked 4 blunts [PINKPATHER KUSH?]... it was good chillin', listening to mac dre and the cool kids, getting destroyed by flies and had epic fails like justin forgetting the foil -_- but we managed to hookah, it was good shit. the drive was awesome driving there and back, besides the fucking stupid slow ass drivers... minus the dude in the white truck.. HE WAS FUCKIN' DIPPIN'!!!!!!! i got to listen to the whole laidback luke set from EDC ... and trying to find my song. I WISH i went to EDC :/ but hey there's always next year.

chilled with my mom and ate awesome dindin, and decided to treat my mommy and robby to ice cream truck since we caught him outside. after a quick watch of tv, i headed out to suisun to jelly's house with ari & morgan. played wii, while alexis and them copped beer and tree. kristy, cashmier and twin was there.. i got to meet gene and vino. lost against gene, vino and CARRIED morgan through the whole game..vince, inni, bravo, "kobe", and 3 other girls came. played more games of bp, vince sucks as a partner so we lost. smoked a blunt then won two more games with morgan. i was FUCKING CROSSFADED. and played so more wii and then one...more blunt then the night was over.

i'm still kinda buzzin'. today was awesome. i got to see and hang with people i haven't seen in ages... i'm glad my externship is over... BECAUSE I CAN FINALLY GO OUT NOW.. sucks that summer is ending. -_- fml. ...there was hella bp tonight. sorry chadwic, antoich!? man... i need my car to be fixed D: and JAKE!? what the.. i miss that guy xD

things are going good. i'm happy. well, wake and bake tomorrow. goodnight.

ew.

2010-07-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

never again. and watch out, my bestfriends will knock some fuckin' sense into you.
yuck, for creepy, pathetic losers. you are sick as fuck. that's why no one likes you.
don't ever talk to me like that again. desperate piece of shit.

G R O W T H E F U C K U P.

LADIES, never take shit from no boy!

weird week..

2010-07-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

this whole week was suppose to be exciting, but all i got was unsurprising things turn up.

i sprained my neck, and have been in pain NOT knowing it was sprained until i went to the emergency room at 2am. yeah, i haven't been in the best mood. all it was pain, and sadness. poor me :( but thank god! i have stronger ibuprofen, muscle relaxers and vicodin. WAHOO!

RIP TITO RAMON, my poor mommy is in sadness and let her have my Ben&Jerry's half baked froyo. it made her more happy, so she deserves it. and for the other family stuff... people arent perfect :/ so i just wish the best for everyone, and i hope the pain can go away asap. its time to move on..

but other news, i finshed my externship! and they all told me they wish they can keep me :( BUT Christine my pharmacist manger says i got first dibs if they get an opening because she really wish i could stay. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? Got awesome refrences, and esp. FIRST dibs on a spot there! That place is awesome.
& finally the posting for promotions are UP! Checker, Night crew, Produce, and some random one... I signed up for the checker and produce one, even though i know i'm getting produce ;) YAY!!!!!! MORE HOURS & a RAISE! I cannot wait.

this week should be exciting, monday i'm going on an awesome adventure w/ twin and getting my C.C ticket! and hopefully watching despicable me with my girlfriend :D she's treating me! i wanna get a hair cut too... which i think i am... hmm..

CANNOT WAIT FOR AUGUST!!!

i keep my guard up

2010-07-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

because i'm afraid to be hurt again.

BYEBYE july

2010-07-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

i can't wait till this fucking month is over.

happy 4th

2010-07-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

currently chillaxin with two of my favorite boys; alexis and morgan. then spend the rest of my day being lazy till i slave away at slaveway. at least i'll be with vince tonight working.. somehow planning to piss off matt. we were suppose to bring fireworks, but didn't have time to buy some and alexis ended up taking all of vince's anyways -_-

whatever though, i missed 4th of july last year.. so why does it matter anyways? i thought my family wasn't going to be doing an ything to night so i didn't feel as sorry for myself.. but i found out that they actually are going out tonight. FML.

oh well, money is money.

I'M TRYNA STACK BLUHHHD, hahaha!

"VINCENT! STOP TALKING BLACK!"

vince's mom is halirous.

i hope the fireworks look lovely tonight. happy 4th. goodbye.

where to go.

2010-07-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'M IN DESPERATE NEED OF A VACATION.
this externship and work is defiantly killing me. physically, emotionally, i don't know if i can last any longer.. BUT, hey! i only have 2 more weeks, or lets say 10 more days in exact and ITS ALL OVER. I'll live.

I cannot wait till August is here. Crystal Castles with Twin, Blowup: Stevie Akoi, A WHOLE WEEK a way from this hell hole, Fairfield: L.A/DISNEY LAND then Arizona. Then it begins...

not to long before its over.

2010-06-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

i wish i went to EDC, Warped Tour, & PRIDE, but there's always next year.. october, you know we are there. LovEVo.

3 more weeks to go, and i'm done. right now, all i am is money hungry. i want to work, work, work. I WANT MONEY. i have to many things plan, i must save money.. but things are going swell and i can't ask for anything else.

DISNEYLAND & ARIZONA. PARAMORE. LOVEVOLUTION2010.

ps: i'm not going to waste my time on baby shit. got a problem? first of all, your the one reading my blog. don't like what you read? then what the fuck are you doing here?! stop reading my blog, and move on.

my blog, my opinions, my thoughts.
and that's that.

oh yeah yeah yeah.

2010-06-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

today i started my externship. its pretty chill, everyone... well who i met so far is kind and sweet. i think it will be done in no time, because time flew by SO FAST! ... only thing is, i have to get use to waking up early and sleeping in early. for example: tomorrow i work 9-3 at the pharmacy then AS SOON as i get off i have to head to work for 3ish - MIDNIGHT. FUCK MY LIFE, i'm bout to be tired as fuckkkk. :/

did i tell you i love my mom? she treated me and my brothers (minus robby) to lunch at chikafila, then toy story 3 WHICH i FUCKING LOVE. thank you pixar for letting me relive my childhood. you made me tear, so you WIN! then after she took us to get clothes for my brothers and pair of shoes for me :] HOW SWEET.

oh yeah! happy national skateboarding day, sadly i didn't get to skate for the fact i was uber busy all day... and also... FIRST DAY OF SUMMER! woooooooooooo. i need to hurry up and choose if i wanna go to warped tour on sat, or work... hmm.. because EVERYONE'S going to be at EDC :/ lucky assholes.

ps: happy birthday. its weird how i forgot but then i remembered. this date could either be a good or bad. the memories are starting to float in, but whatever. good times. i hope things are going well.... but the same time... i could care less :P ahahahahha. oops.

sickly.

2010-06-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

being sick and only allowed to be home.

my overly thinking mind is so doing work.

save me.

things are looking up, oh finally..

2010-06-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

i got my externship. m-f, 9-3, not bad. 30 hours a week, and require only 120 hours? oh dude, i'll be done in 5 weeks.

hello ms. pharmacy technician.

I talked to my manager J.C. and said if i wanted to go into produce, and be a produce clerk/checker. 24hrs granteed a week, and a raise? HELL YEAH! and he said he's willing to work around my externship, because school is more important. I love my manager, he's awesome.

TODAY WAS GOOD.

depression begins.

2010-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

something doesn't feel right. i feel very incomplete. i'm lost and drowning in these useless thoughts. i'm starting to lose my faith, and hope so quickly...its scary.

someone please take me away.

cry me a fucking river.

2010-06-05T14:49:00.001-07:00

man, give me a fucking break. now all of a sudden you want to complain why people don't want to hang out with you anymore. you fucking left right when you got your stupid girlfriend, how many times did we try for you to come out? how many times did we call, and hit you up to do this and that? and the same response everytime. your fucking whipped as hell by your "wonderful girlfriend" that loves to not speak to anyone and mugs every girl that says hello to you, and esp. me? we been friends way longer than your whole relationship with this girl, and you want to put this bitch in front of all of us? nice.

you can go ahead and keep crying. no one cares. we gave up way to long ago. we all know even if you want to just hang out right now, the next couple days you will be gone again once more and ignore, ditch us over and over again. your just like everyone else, so fucking wrapped up in their so called "love".

so the next time you would like to complain about why you don't have friends or don't want to respond to you, think about the past couple months what you been doing.

good luck with your shit.

silly boy.

2010-06-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

i just saw a picture of you, and i'm not going to lie, you look so damn cute... but HAH! cute dosen't cut it. i'm not falling for that trick again.

LOVE, aeriel.

money on my mind.

2010-06-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

i missed ETD POP. teejay got hit by a car (2 fractured legs, discolated hip), recovering, might need surgery. JOB Promotion Offers? Externship Papers finally done, closer to being a Pharmacy Tech. Matthew's Graduation on Friday.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

WANT: L.A./EDC. Audiotistic. Honda Civic Tour: PARMORE.

tell me why...

2010-05-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

i still don't know why i still even try to fix these things with people. i know and realize what the hell they do to me, but for some reason, corny as it sounds... my heart, my mind wants to try at least a couple more times before i call it quits.

misunderstood.

2010-05-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

i wish i wasn't so god damn nice.

the new thing these days is to be a total bitch or a dick.

i guess i have to join the crowd and start being a complete asshole.

i'm so disapointed in you, you and YOU.

i thought you were something better than all that bullshit...

but come to conclusion...you'll never be what i thought..

i hope your happy with your "real" friends.

i'm sorry i was such a shitty friend to live up to your expectations.

i love you, and good luck with your shit.

ps: even with this said,

you know i never took back the shit i said:

i'm always here if you need me.

get out of my head, please.

2010-05-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

i think i have a case of bad luck and i'm not liking this one bit.

i need to remember to breathe and stay calm. all these useless thoughts aren't going anywhere. i feel like i forget them, but of course they sure do like to come back.
i definetly suck at being careless. i wish i can forget and move on easily as you all.
i need to stop being so god damn nice.

oh well, here is to another day to try again.

random update

2010-05-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

all i want to know is, who are you 7up guy?

i hope i get my e x t e r n s h i p papers done,

and find out my schedule soon.

i hope my car passes smog or i'm doomed.

pop's in 6 days.

why do i feel like i finally feel less stressed?

whatever it might be, don't go away.

i like this.

"PICK ME. PICK ME. PICK ME."

i have too much shit going around in my head. good and bad. this mix should be interesting.

dear blog,

2010-05-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry i haven't wrote to you in so long. i don't have time to come down and jot things down, even though... i got a shitload to explain, till then, i think i got this.

Love, Aeriel

time's up.

2010-04-23T00:46:00.001-07:00

i guess, we will never know.

ladies and gents:

2010-04-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

please don't tell me we wasted all those days for nothing.

everything dosen't seem to make sense. i try to retrace and follow through what the hell happened. i'm stuck. i'm lost. i'm confused as hell.. but one main thing.. i'm getting sick and tired for having to keep fixing bullshit actions that aren't even mine. should i give up now? it just seems too easy, but the weight lifted off my shoulders can be a total breather.

the disappointment grows more as the days fly by. its sad to keep staring at what it all has become. i feel left disgusted with what people decide to do... i just can't believe of all people, you were the one to let it all go, to throw away friendships like its nothing more than useless trash. i don't know if this is becoming a sign, telling me maybe its time to stop looking back on something that will maybe... never be fixed.

i just need to say one thing: to the people who might be might be blind by their "love", to people that use bullshit excuses to run away, to the people who use their "all of a sudden - enemy" as an excuse..... so tell me what, what was all that small talk, all that time spent together, the bond growing more and more... i swear you cared before, what made you easily decide you don't give a damn anymore? its scares me how good human beings could be good at the things they do; using selfishness to its fullest, a handful of temptation, and a pinch of bullshit mixed in all together.

i just hope you don't realize too late, for the wrong decisions bubbling up in your head. and tell you one thing: i wish i can tell you all i wish things can just go back how they were and i miss you like hell, but note to self: can't always get what you want... and that's just how life is.

just don't give up so soon,
its not that hard to spare some time to fix something so easily,
its time to man/lady up and deal with your problems.
good luck, and goodbye.

long story short.

2010-04-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

i just grabbed a pocketfull of bullshit liars.

here's some advice for you, if you have a problem, then dont fucking cry about it. get your sorry ass up and doing something about it. stop blaming your other peers for what your doing, you god damn hypocrite. the majoirty of you are over fucking 18, and you still seem to stay in your highschool mindset, its sad to say can you grow the fuck up now?

muah.

2010-04-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

We all wet our lips to prepare for the kiss
But it never came
And we all wet our lips to prepare for the kiss
It was but a game

damn right.

2010-03-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

let's do this simple and straight to the point;

no matter what happened to me in the past days, weeks, and months, i finally have the urge to say: I' AM CONTENT, and i'm going to keep it like that. i been surrounded by epic fails, bad negativity, and bullshit kid games, i think it's time to move on and get this shit together.

my mindset has been way off, and it can be hard trying to process things in and out on a good note. i feel like i been way too stressed out, especially over stupid little shit. i'm sick and tired of this repetitiveness, its fucking ridiculous. i want something new... something refreshing PLEASE, something that can get me out of here.

i will admit though there's something that i wish i could change, there's days i miss like hell, i crave for those moments to somehow re-appear again, but then again, we can't always can't get what we want... i just get these weird signals and hints, i just hope you haven't forgotten about me. i just know, i'm not even going to loose anymore friends over a stupid reason, that shouldn't even be a reason to cut & end our friendship in the beginning..

but, till then, i shall do what i need to do, keep myself occupied, and get this going. this is about be interesting.

part1

2010-03-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

i haven't sat here in hella long, my walls look the same, the pictures and posters seem to all be creasing and haven't been moved around in ages, its all dual and the same old shit. this was the last place i wanted be. i feel lost and confused. alone, matter of fact. i think, my head hurts... and this time i admit, i feel like i'm heart broken in a way. things felt so good the past weeks, i never thought it could end so quick... i never even saw it coming.

i was so far away from feeling like this. i was on top of my game, doing things out of the ordinary, never knew i would be spending, or doing the things i done with these people the past few weeks. i pretty much got what i wanted in a long time. i was working, going to school, spending my days wisely, my morning and nights with my friends, getting high, getting drunk, meeting new people, going on random adventures, finding someone who was out of blue.... i was finally smiling again... god damn, i had things good.

i'm lost for words. i don't even know where to begin, to ever start explaining myself to what the hell went wrong. i have no idea, what the hell did i do? i try to retrace my steps back, and i can't think of one god damn thing. did i say something to offend you? did i not get you every time we were out and about? did i bring you to the wrong kick-its or parties? did i talk and mumble boring and useless shit? please let me know what the hell i did wrong.

i'm so sick of this high school, immature bullshit. i feel like i'm stuck in a circle, just keep going and going, never making it to the end. everyone keeps telling me to do the same shit, to be careful, to lay low, to wait, to just go with the flow because he just got out of a relationship, because he's pissed because of what SHE did, because its maybe too early, that i shouldn't do this or that. whoa, whoa. wait one fucking minute, when this become a one man show? when the fuck does my feelings come in to play? HELLO, i'm part of this situation too, so why am i the one having to sit around, and wait for answers before its too late.

people don't get it do they? they give me all these answers, this advice, and don't get me wrong i'm more and gladly to sit down and listen to what you THINK is right. please, come and be in my shoes, and tell me how the hell you would do this. i didn't fucking do shit, once again. all i was doing was being a good friend, tried to bring to clubs, my friends kick it and parties, making sure you weren't being left behind by spotting you for all the blunts, the drinks, the drive and rides, keeping you in a good mood to help you forget the drama and show you that there's more out there than her...

god fucking shit, i feel like all this shit is starting to become repetitive and this is no good. i feel like i been here... maybe twice or even more... this is starting to scare me. at this moment, i don't know what to do.. don't know who to talk to... i feel alone. everywhere i turn and look, everyone is starting to find a significant other, and its starting to hurt even more.

great.....i can't even fucking think anymore....

just someone please help me regain my hope and faith back,

before its too late.

restart.

2010-03-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

be careful for what you wish for.

here we go again.mp3

it was too good to be true.

hello & goodbye.

2010-03-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

damn, its been forever. i'm sorry, and i feel bad that i haven't been blogging. i guess, i have been way too busy.. and just never have time to actually say anything... because for once, things have been going the way it should of been all along.

there's too many damn things to mention, to jot down, to even explain to you what has been going on. i'll admit its all not butterflies and smiles.. there was a couple times, i should of never done, but you know what? like we always say, "SHIT HAPPENS."

my mind is already coming to a blank, so i'll come back another day, and try once more.

just wanted to let you know

2010-03-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

like i said before i really just want to move on and forget. and guess what? i have, and i very happy with my decision.

finally something feels right.

theres something about it...

2010-02-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

& i still don't know.

good day

2010-02-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

this week needs to end fast.

2010-02-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

"breathe for love tomorrow, because there's no hope for today.
breathe for love tomorrow, because maybe there's another way."

sometimes i don't know what i do with myself. i sit and wonder all day about things that don't make sense anymore. for the reasons why they still exist, why they still even matter, and why i fucking still give a damn.

these past two weeks have been really stressful, boring, and lame. i think i had way too much free time, so the over thinking begins. i been thinking too much about life in general, in the categories of work, school, family, money, friends, crushes, just about everything you can think about.

i think when i decided i wanted to put my life back on track, i didn't know it could of get more complicated then this. i haven't touched a blunt, a joint, a pipe since sunday, and it feels good to pass it all up. i know it might not seem like such a long time, yeah four days to be exact... but the way i used to smoke, you have no idea. i feel accomplished that i actually saved money, i'm starting to focus on school alot more, and just to have that feeling of knowing i don't need it, feels pretty god damn good. all power to me.

i felt like i haven't seen my best-est friends, even if it has been only a couple days, a week or so... but to me, those days seem like almost forever, it kills me everyday. i hate busy and mixed up schedules, its really hard to get everyone together, even if its for a couple minutes. i feel torn and lost for friendships that seem to be missing, the ones that feel like their on hold, and i don't like it one bit. i try to keep positive as possible, but at same time, how can i, if the effort is not even 50, 50... its like more of just one person trying, while the other seems like they could careless. you don't know how much it hurts when i'm in situations like this. i get nervous and scared when i feel like i'm loosing someone, especially if the reasons are the REASONS why? its bullshit. all i'm going to say is please don't forget about me, and i hope you are actually really happy with everything you have.

and for everything else, i'm confused, if things don't get any better soon, i'm moving on and that's that.

ps: and yeah and i do like this song by justin bieber.

day two

2010-02-03T00:19:00.000-08:00

i'm going to fucking prove you - the fuck - wrong.

restart button please.

2010-02-02T00:54:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged, haven't blogged about things that's actually been on my mind. i feel like its the time to vent. its time to let things go, and try to move forward as possible.

things have been a bit confusing. its never too good, or ever really that bad. i'm just kind of right in the middle. i'm content, i'm always having trouble finding the things that will ever keep me satisfied.

school, wrk is the same thing all over again. safeway is lame, boring and is full with stupid stuck up lazy ass customers. having to use the same stupid fake smile, repeating the same god damn questions, it can get real tiring.. school is boring, and will always be. i never have quite the interest to actually do shit for it, but this time i have to suck it up and hopefully do good, and get this damn program out of the way.

i have been torn the past months, weeks and days. i feel like i have been stuck thinking and wondering about who, and what might be good for me. to be honest, i had options open up like crazy, and i could never figure out... why me? why of all the people YOU want to take the time to know who the hell i am? every person, started to sound alike, started to have the same god damn boring conversations... its all a waste. when i finally narrow my options, i couldn't choose of who seemed a little far more the interesting. one seemed to always step their game up every week, and i drown into my mess of pure confusion.

i wish this was a lot easier. i wish i just know who was going to be worth it... i think i'm so wrapped up on being scared of being hurt again. i been through so much through out the years, i try to think of what i learned. i don't want to repeat the things that remind me why i'm single right now, why i don't try to keep a steady relationship with someone, or why i over think so much. i want to feel the things that made me feel comfortable, that someone that make that uneasy good feeling in my stomach, where they can get me nervous and have shaky hands, i haven't had that in so long, it feels good to finally come somewhat closer to it.

i hope with the decision i currently made today, i hope i'm not making a mistake. and i'm willing to risk it all, just for you. so now, its time to see if... you are feeling the same way too.

and for everything else, i'm officially taking my break with mary jane and to all the non-believers, you can hate all you want but, i'm going to prove you wrong.

answer

2010-01-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

confusion sucks to the fullest.

i hope i'm not late. i hope you won't get mad at me if someone grabs my attention. i hope i'm not making a mistake.

and i hope you don't forget about me.

movies round two

2010-01-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

i got to watch another movie today, but this time free with twin and robert. the movie was pretttttyyy good, except i kept laughing because twin's sarcasm and when robert told be the end... "watch this part, its hella gay." * in the movie : " ... when will we see you again?.." * ahahahaha if you watch it, you'll understand. thanks for another chill day.

full of goods

2010-01-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

one blunt of pre-planning with melanie and morgan, one blunt & some bowls before the movie joined by filipe, this movie, and another good movie after blunt. i defiantly needed this chill day, thank you guys.

it was too good to be true.

2010-01-24T00:57:00.001-08:00

one fucking MAJOR thing that i absolutely fucking hate?

FUCKING LIARS.

i don't fucking understand the concept of lies, especially when the situation could be totally avoided with pure honesty. sure, yeah i probably wouldn't want to hear the answer i will get, but the fucking TRUTH is way more better then fucking hearing it days later or from some else.

i always get stuck with replays of fucking pathetic immature fucking people. yay fucking me.

mr. somebody.

2010-01-22T11:27:00.001-08:00

i'm tired and sick of excuses. why don't you act your age, and just be honest with yourself and i. don't try to play some stupid bullshit game, when the days we are apart you make sure i won't leave, to make sure i won't use the time i have for someone else but you.

i'm confused, but maybe i deserve it. the more and more i think about it, i'm starting to get less positive feelings about you... but there is always something that brings me back.. i still don't know what, still don't know why..

someone help, because i'm restless and hopeless for seeking for my answer.

use somebody

2010-01-20T01:47:00.000-08:00

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

* : i fucking love hayley, and how she could make a song way better, i kill for a voice like hers. and this song will always remind me of you.

the question is..

2010-01-19T22:29:00.000-08:00

" what do i really want? "

blowup<3

2010-01-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

you got me in a dilemma.

2010-01-18T11:07:00.000-08:00

days like this don't make sense. the fact is all gloomy, and rain being definitely bipolar, its hard to say if i should be a lazy son of a bitch, that will rethink thoughts that haven't been touched in days or either be awake and active and say, FUCK THE WORLD and let me out of this god damn house.

i'm a tad bit confused. i still think about you, even with my thoughts of foggy answers, its all mumble jumble. i wish i just had a straight defiant answer about this whole thing. i try to re-track my steps and remember whos actually winning the race. every time i get a positive outlook about someone, i try to remember what can knock that extra point off.

people don't get it at all, times like this is such heart racing dilemma, it has the touch of enjoyment, lust, satisfaction, temptation, but all pure selfishness that can get karma biting you right in the ass. i wish i was just satisfied with ONE thing, and move on to enjoying it... but of course, it never works like that.there is always something wrong , always something missing, and you have to keep going because you want more.. more, in fact it keeps you wanting to add more confusing spice into the game.

i wish you, you would give me the time to show you who i am, to push all those god damn stupid reasons why you and me can't work. why someone can be such a fucking game killer, when he shouldn't even be one of the reasons why.

i wish you, could stop confusing the hell out of me, being fucking bipolar to the fact one night you want to act like everything is just you and i, and when you get that chance, you don't take that advantage to the fullest.

i wish you, the rest of you, could give a fucking good reason why... why you WANT to spend time with me, why out of all people you want to try with me. i don't get why me, and why now?

hello, 2010.

2010-01-17T00:20:00.000-08:00

god damn, it has been ages since i decided to open up a blank post and try at least to jot something down. holy shit, did you know its 2010? happy new year folks, and i hope its been treating you well, because for me?.. its been pretty outrageously amazing.

new years was a breeze, almost missing the countdown literally 4 minutes away. that night was intense with all day high, with shots after shots of hennesy, i was pretty gone. everything so far has been good, work's decent with all these new managers flying in and out i almost forgot i was at work. school is easy, just hoping this year i don't slack off so i can pass this course with a breeze.

i been living life to the fullest, trying to keep each thought with a positive outlook, no matter what is happening. i been keeping myself busy with waking up early, keeping myself active and taking control of my days. i admit, i still smoke everyday: pipes, joints, blunts, you name it. i am a "pothead" whatever you would like to call it, but sooner or later i'm gonna have to end this streak.

boys are a funny subject, for the fact things are good but the fact my options are a laid out variety. i'm happy and content, and hopefully things don't get out of control. i'm still looking and still out having fun with an open mindset and finding out what could be mine next. ;) i have my eye out on that certain somebody and i hope there can be something in the future.

smoke sessions, kings cup, beer pong, flip cup, movies, hookah bar, blow up, parties, kickits, and hopefully more to come. ahhh 2010, you are looking mighty fine.

2010-01-13T23:35:00.001-08:00

my computer is alive, so i can blog again...

but today again, i am lazy to write what has been happening.

happy new year.

2010-01-05T00:27:00.001-08:00

i didn't have anything fancy to explain that crazy year, it wasn't the best, but i sure will not forget it.

i'm ready for new things, more new people, adventures and all that good jazz.

random night.

2009-12-30T14:26:00.000-08:00

talk about temptation and lust. i had selfish written all over it. i couldn't remember which was right and wrong. i couldn't find the words, and the feelings i felt when you popped into my head, i felt that sickly feeling, that made me want to rip my thoughts apart, because confusion isn't a pretty thing.

i have everything under control... i think.

2 more days

2009-12-29T23:48:00.000-08:00

no time to blog, but things have been good, i'm clearly content. i still have random shit i need to get done, and all this random nonsense needs to stop.

i'm closing on new years eve, yay me. jason sucks, and everyones schedule looks like shit, fuck safeway honestly. i've been waking up early and doing productive shit. i admit for almost the last couple months i have smoked every day. it kind of looks like one or two blunts a day, and ends up of endless sessions and matches, its amazing. but i shall say goodbye to these bad habits when 2010, sad... but its for the better.

my love life has been all i wanted in so long. i'm taking it slow as possible, making sure i'm keeping myself satisfied to its extent; emotionally, physically, mentally, and that borderline where temptation and lust is covered. i'm happy, like seriously, its going exactly how it should be going. ah, i'm a sucker for a cute and a sweet boy, and i'm glad i found you.

i don't know where everyone has been, i mean my close friends seem to hide and go mia, i guess for reasons they might have... i just want to let them know, i hope they don't forget me. some are literally gone, they are super mia, and i just hope things are good and i'm still waiting for the return call. the others are here, but not quite here, they are lost in their own world, i think maybe i should leave it alone. the others, i couldn't ask for dope friends, i'm sure diggin' the time spending, and just pure happiness when they are around. thank you.

this new years eve should be interesting, this time, i have no idea what is going on. surely, we are going to go out this year with a bang.

merry xmas eve

2009-12-24T00:27:00.001-08:00

ahh, so its offically here, x-mas eve. i finnaly realized i'm really late on the x-mas hype this year. i been so busy, and definitely broke off my ass, so basically this x-mas hasn't been the most exciting.. i wasn't really looking forward to presents or anything, i just want to spend time with my favorite people, and i shall be content.
i just want this year to be over. i feel like i'm stuck, stuck somewhere where weird and stupid. even though this year has been crazy, its had its ups and downs, god damn time flies by fast. everything kind of still feels the same. i'm not with no one, no one new has to sweep me off my feet. i'm still the same aeriel, with same stupid over thinking brain. i still have my amazing friends with a addition that are all keepers. i just want more excitement and that restart button. more than ever i'm not going to lie, i cannot wait for 2010.

overthinking brains

2009-12-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

i feel that sharp uneasy sickly pain in my stomach, the one that you feel when you see or hear something you don't even want to to come close to? its either truth or being in denial. i hate this silly game, its overall tiring. i kind of feel stupid and lame, for thinking things were kind of going...
you know what scratch that. aeriel, what the fucking fuck. you take one thing, and make it worse then it might actually be.

maybe thinking negative is what i'm good at, well at least this whole end of the year dealing with this weird feelings, i absolutely don't know what to do with it. my mind is all mumble jumble, and i still don't fucking get it.

getting upset, and feeling like its the end, isn't the answer is it? i feel so bipolar right now its pretty annoying, a matter of fact. its not good for mind, body, soul.

i guess its game for satisfaction. the chase for selfish thoughts. and the move for complete temptation. oh its game time.

girl, back the fuck up. when i want something, i'm gonna fucking get it.

this time..

2009-12-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

i'm not going to try anymore, i decided with all this mumble jumble, i'm just going to let go and have fun. i see all the other things people have to worry about when they get all wrapped up in someone. i don't know if i'm ready to put myself in a position like that again. *no offense: i still don't know if your something that is worth the keep. i'll wait it out and watch as it goes by. basically... want my attention? then, get it.

x-mas is oh so soon, and i'm not ready. i don't even have a fucking tree up for heaven sakes. this christmas seems shitty already, but who is to say it will be horrible after all? my main goal is to somehow satisfy my brothers, because they don't deserve this whole shake up.

remind me, i still need: ugly x-mas sweater for alie/marisas, i need to wrap up my job & alie/marisas secret santa gift, i need to buy [mom jaycee matthew uncle arnel] gifts, need to get my phone, need to get my id, find our new cabin, and do last minute gifts. SHIT.

here are some pictures when i remembered to take some.

2009-12-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

time to save some moolah

2009-12-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

i have been lightweight sick all week, and i want it to go away.

i still don't have presents ready. i don't have any of my secret santa presents bought. i still have to make stuff for all the different potlucks. i still need to find my passport and re-order my id. i need to do all my scheduling for my class. i still need to find a x-mas sweater. i need to buy a new phone. i still need to do all this crap all in about less than a week.

god dammit, and can someone remind me to stop buying tree, okay thanks.
and i really want to go to blowup tonight, and its all on that passport.

nonsense

2009-12-16T23:43:00.000-08:00

i still can't tell if the days seem to go by quicker more than ever, i'm still in complete shock x-mas is actually here less than a week. i'm shaken that i'm not going to have these presents ready by then, to not be late on any x-mas spirit and to be sad that i'm going to miss it physically and mentality.

i haven't seen my mother in days, its like now she's out, when i'm out, or either when i'm out she's home, i'm out she's home. the only time i ever come in contact is when we have time to talk to each other... which is when we talk on the phone.. about that... i don't like this at all.

i feel like im just lazy, and tired. i'm just pretty much being the one on the side laughing at everyone and doing my own thing. i don't want a develop a relationship with anyone, even though right now i have a baby crush on someone. i just want to take it slow and thats all i want. oh yeah, i have smoked every day, i don't know why, but i do.

ill make changes soon...... i cannot wait for dec. 22. i cannot wait for snow trip. i cannot wait for this year is over.

i'm content.

2009-12-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

i'm sleepy and tired. i have too much to think about, even though they are very good thoughts.

last night equals 2 joints & 2 bowls plus pizza, candy, and cupcakes. very chill, and delightful. thanks for coming over bestfwend, adrian, alexa and pepe :]

snow trip is all im thinking about. and i hope i get to find my passport so i can go club thurs and fri, at least friday because blowup is about to be crackin'! i need to get there pronto.

welp off to work, fuck you safeway. midnight is very long from now.

success

2009-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

i got mini butterfiles and this weekend has been crackin & chill.

blowup = crackin, gigged my ass off, and where the butterflies appeared. saturday = dead/school, matched blunts with tyty, marilyn, alexa, crissy and i, drunk off UV, stayed smokin' bowls with crissy & more bowls from adrian's bowls.

i am content, and loving it.

step your shit up.

2009-12-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

i finally had the guts to set some ground rules, oh don't think you can get out of this one aeriel harina, they are set in stone, thrown away in a box, and its no turning back now.

as usual, my mind is worn out, too much thinking process has been going in my brain for the past couple days just about all the things.. i shouldn't even dare to think about. all i know, is that i know what i want now, and god dammit, i will get it. and if my cards play right this will give me time to step back and breathe for a second.. and if it folds and fails my way, you just added yourself to the hall of shame, tsktsk.

and boy i will tell you,
you are just like everyone else.
with pathetic poor game, with a consistently unsatisfying lies,
such a cute face
....going into a complete waste.
people, its time to bring it up a notch.

wake up

2009-12-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

when i thought things were getting better, little things seem to still have the power to beat me up. i just need time to clear these useless thoughts for good. i want more good times, to replace all these bad ones.

i just want to be able to meet someone, who's willing to help me make my move, and all at the same time, able to make me realize i can't run away from something that actually what i have been looking for.

denial sucks, and feeling played with can suck even more.

two weeks.

2009-12-08T01:39:00.000-08:00

17 more days till x-mas, and till you know it... this year is coming to an end. i'm excited for presents, for loves, for having good times. i shall end this year off with a bang and hello new year.

ps: i'm so better off without you. <3

so last night...

2009-12-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

WAS DOPE. it was just like we planned, and did what we wanted. got it crackin, fucking hella people, and even got it shut down in the middle of no where. i was pretty fucked up, but still able to function & mingle, major success. i was fucked up off 4 pre-heem shots, blunt, half a cookie, then helllaaa shots of heeem with the random people i decided to pick to take shots with me... hahaha, then ate another cookie and smoked a blunt again. there were 3 major places you coulda been that night. the couch+fire/bbq pit thing, BARN of BP, and the dance house. example who was there: chads friends + chads friend friends [anatoich + alameda] + my friends [fairfield, cordelia, vallejo, sacramento , the city] + my friends friends, from people i see everyday, to people i have missed and haven't seen in AGES, to people i just met, thank you guys from coming. i hope me and chad] were wonderful party hosts. sorry for getting it shut down early... fucking anal neighbor..

heres some photos i managed to take, even tho i wished i remembered to actually take hella pictures through out the night.... but hey, its better then nothing. enjoy.

and for everything else besides last night, i still can't believe you, how dare you say the things you said, from the stupid complaints and trying to be the pathetic sad victim. i'm the supposedly the whole fuckin' reason why we don't talk anymore? as in, why we aren't friends, why we don't even say hello anymore, and fucking why YOU act like i don't fucking exist. what kind of fucking sick joke is this? i don't even know what i even fucking did in the first place for this treatment and why we are they way we are now. you fucking proved me right, over and over again. i'm tired of hearing about you, i'm sick of writing and complaining about you, i'm so done with anything that has to do with you... just do this, pretend all this shit never happened between you and i, i'm going to erase you out of my life completely, just like you erased me from yours. do us all a favor and stop claiming you are on some "grown man hype" when first of all you need to grow some fuckin' balls, learn how to stop running away from all the shit you start, and you can take back all your sorry ass bullshit lies because its not going to work on anyone anymore.... esp. me.

till then, good luck & when you get your shit together, you know where to find me.

so hey, future loves? prove me wrong and let me know for once... these "feelings", will all make sense in the end.

today is the day.

2009-12-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

bout to go to school, take my re-takes, learn some shit, get fro-yo with adrian&alexa, get shit ready, get ready, meet up, dip to set up partay.

im ready to gettt shiiiiitFACED

&&&

i cannot wait to see you. :)

one more night.

2009-12-04T00:16:00.000-08:00

216 of budlight, smirnoff, jager, so. co, champagne, bacardi, hem & hella more.

i cannot wait for saturday. im trying to get super shitfaced, ill super zombie mode the next day... i can't wait to see amazing faces, and party all night long. won't be there? this is another night you shall not miss.

i will say i have been a happy camper. i think this month has just been wonderful. i can't wait for our christmas potluck, and our snow trip in the new year. and tomorrow, i finally get to see blaine alexander lindsey. i miss that kid oh so much.

one more day, and its game time.

simple as that:

2009-12-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

i want those days for butterflies, when i start to blush completely over a silly compliment, when the nerves because so uncontrollable i can't wipe that damn smile off my face, and those days seem to crawl quite slowly towards me again... and i sure ain't rushing it.. i like this pace, and i'm going to enjoy it quite well.

things

2009-12-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

are looking up oh, finally.

and he..

2009-11-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

picked, or not, i'll stay true to my word.

even with the harsh unbearable treatment,

i will always be here,

even if i'm the useless pedal picked off,

patiently laying alone on the dirty ground.

that will be the day

2009-11-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

when i finally meet that person that will actually mean the world to me, and isn't like the rest, so damn far from the rest, they'll sweep me off of my feet.

and i shall be reminded what the hell friendship and love is, and that will be the day.

fuck my life.

2009-11-21T15:21:00.000-08:00

i don't think i have be so vulnerable in such a long time. i seem to crack more easily now, even when the situation isn't that big of a deal. i'm sick of being so confused all the time, my mentality seems to change in a instant every second of the day. i always seem to wonder why the fuck you dare to do some of the shit you do.

you fucking make me sick to my stomach, and you fucking add up just like the other fuck up's that use to be part of my life. i never got the idea, why i always have to go through this.. yeah me. not her, not him, not anyone else. i always get so close and stuck to people, at the end it can back fire instantly. you surely can't trust no one anymore.

it was like yesterday you told me, i meant something to you. now, it seems like you don't even know i exist anymore, simply erased and dead... but you sure do seem to notice my friends and everyone else quite well. i feel so useless when this shit happens.

you claim this and that, talking so much shit.. honey, you need to take a long ass look at yourself, because all the shit you fucking complain about all the time, you do it ALL the time. example: "you are a hoe if you text all my niggas the same text", bitch you do the same shit, trying to get at my friends behind my back, sloppy move my dear. if you tried to call someone a hoe.. hah, that's funny, your the biggest hoe in the pack. i find it hilarious to know you believe they like you, or they even give a damn about you, they don't, so stop wasting your pathetic so called "game" on them.

you sure no how to make someone feel like a complete fucking useless pathetic piece of shit. i guess you win, you got me so wrapped up into you, i can't fucking find a way out it.

these are reasons why i said a million times before, why i never have the interest of falling for someone, to develop feelings, to even start giving a damn about someone, because i always get fucking hurt at the end. the feelings get wasted, my time is officially wasted, and for ever putting my all is just another big fucking waste.

someone please save me, before i officially go insane. & i think i finally got the guts to say this..

your going to end up just like your father.

reminder*

2009-11-20T01:42:00.000-08:00

i'll keep reminding myself: you aren't worth it, anymore.

i'll keep reminding myself: you weren't worth it, anymore.

i'll keep reminding myself: you were never worth it, all this time.

"do you hate him?" "well at this point, hes making me"

2009-11-18T00:13:00.000-08:00

i been staring blankly at this text box for over an hour, wondering what the hell to type next.. just kidding, i actually sat and stared at it for like 2 minutes and it seemed like a dying hour.

i haven't blogged in like forever for so many reasons: i have been busy, im never on the computer anymore, i either am too tired, too lazy, too high, just not in the mood, the reasons can be endless.

i haven't blogged since i took a week off at work to relax&enjoy my birthday week,my crackin' birthday party happened,

me being literally high everyday for the past 3 weeks, me finally turning nineteen,

drunk&high late night bowling, watching paramore,

and all that good shit. now that i'm back at work, i been working almost every day, getting new coworkers and new mangers.. i'm not looking forward for these busy days. [ wanna see more photos? check out my, myspace page. ]

i been confused lately, confused as in not knowing when will this never ending road of being confused, if wither i'm content with how everything is actually going. from shifting mentalities from believing i'm the happiest girl, to believing i been such a complete idiot this whole time. i never know if i'm ever in the right spot, if i'm either right or wrong. all these random things that comes up, is simply tiring, i just want them to stop. i'm sick of the position i always get put in, its like a never ending cycle of bullshit, everyone seems to put their share fair into it.

i hear all this blah blah suck up sob story, of how much they care for me, they oh so "love me", that they would never do this or that, and that list can go on for ages. this whole building up issues, being frustrated, jealousy and everything in between, it sucks. i hate being like that, especially when its a situation you can't even take in. i hate the fact, i try i so much, especially when most of it wasn't even my fault . i'm sick of your childish acts, the stupid shit you try to pull behind my back, never giving me the change to speak my mind, to even get a minute of your time, to just receive and have back the friendship/respect you gave to me so many months ago.

i feel like an idiot for even trying anymore, trying in general of making things better, for trying to be a good friend to everyone, and just trying to keep everyone satisfied. and for people that call themselves my "friend", then do me a favor and consider my feelings for once and if you aren't even close to being my "friend", do us both a favor and get that fake ass bullshit out of here.

^ i wish i can tell you this:

ps: just letting you know, if you want to play like that.. i can play the same game back.

2 more days.

2009-11-05T02:07:00.000-08:00

its funny how people hit me up all of a sudden, telling me its been f-o-r-e-v-e-r, and that they "m-i-s-s m-e". oh man, you guys crack me up. within that time... that is apparently "fforreeeverrr", well tell me why haven't you hit me up earlier, since you apparently "missssssssssssssssss" me soooo much. xD

well you know what? just save us all time, i don't need you here up in my face telling me some sob story because i realized it hasn't and will never matter, especially on that day you left me.

on an important subject: i cannot wait for this weekend, thank you very much.
something you will not want to miss out on.

2 more days, then 1 more days after that. then i'm officially nineteen. i'm ready to party my ass off.

tres

2009-11-04T01:40:00.000-08:00

3 more days you guys. 3 more fucking days.
and i still have hella shit to do, and i hope my plan will work out today.

playing god.

2009-11-02T00:02:00.000-08:00

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

*5 more days and a whole lot of fucking shit to do.

and the countdown begins.

2009-11-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

november, i've been waiting for you all year long and now you are finally here.

now to fix up the giant mess between a couple of people, and get to last minute planning. the days are coming up short, everything is starting to seem more complicated. from rememebering what i did wrong the past couple nights, and the thoughts thats been stuck in my head... its time to wake up and smell the coffee.

i'm ready for this hectic week, and down to party all month long.
november 7th. birthday. paramore. blowup. free clubs.

6 more days.

regret.

2009-10-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

to be honest, i wish i can erase it all. the first time i ever decided to flirt with you. the first the time you came to my house. the first time i ever texted you. that first stupid phone call. the time when YOU came back. the first time you kissed me. the first time i came to hang with you. the day i developed feelings for you. the first time we ever shared a pizza. the first time you grabbed my phone to take a picture with me. the first time you came to pick me up. the first time you brought me somewhere. the time we sat there and talked about LIFE. the first time you made us public. the day you told me a giant secret. the days we texted, goodmorning and goodnight. the day i started to ignore my friends for you. the first time you brought me to a random spot in vallejo. those nights i snuck you in. the first time you told me you were jealous. those nights of being high, going through that stupid drive thru window. the days we would just get drunk and high. the days that you told me i meant something to you. the weeks that we were almost with each other everyday. the weeks i thought i head over heels. the month i thought i had it all. the month that i started to feel less wanted. that day YOU/we decided "WE" needed space. the day you first lied to me. the days that felt useless. the days, the weeks, the months that seemed like you forgotten me.

and esp. the night i realized,
"why the fuck do i even give a damn about you anymore?"

you were just a complete was of time, and more than ever, you proved it to me all at once. i'm such an idiot, and if i can ask one thing of you, just pretend all those things never happened, because it seems like i was just better off, then wondering what if, and decide to put my number in your phone.

2009-10-22T01:35:00.000-07:00

i'm tired of this week, and i want it to be over. fucking hurry up and get with it.

Spook Fest? Halloween/Massive. November 7th. Paid Vacation. Birthday. Paramore.

is all i want to come here now.

2009-10-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

everything seems so new to me, even with the fact i know how long its been, i will always miss that place, that thing, those people, and always forever, you.

this time, its been a while.

2009-10-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

god damn, its eben a while since i written/typed in here. i been super laggin' for the fact i had like the most unsuccessful 2 weeks of my life. my eyes were down, for irritation of lame contacts, had to miss work like 3 times, which is def. going to hurt my paycheck the next 2 weeks. i been so upset with being home, i got stuck with my dumbass dad, my mini vacation wasn't crackin. so i'm finally glad i got my eyes back, so now its super party plannin' time.

my birthday is coming up in exactly 21 days, i've been juiced for like almost hella months, and now its like 2 weeks away, FUCKIN' CRACKIN. man, all i've got to say, if you ain't my friend, your going to be missing out, and that's it.

birthday wish list:

- an awesome cool desert of some kind
- MORE POLAROID FLIM
- gift card for walmart (to buy my photos thats been there forever)
- a sock monkey
- bong
- fisheye camera
- dope shoes
- cool tights
- cool animal pipe
- new kingdom hearts game for DS
- rockband2
- new eskimo hats to add to my collection
- curling iron
- ipod
- hookah
- $$$$$
- more makeup
- random accessories
- that candy maker thing
- take me to disneyland
- 8th

even though i dont expect to get anything this year, i just wanted to be cool and put that up. ahaha

its been good.

2009-10-06T01:39:00.000-07:00

and i'm going to keep it that way.

this weekend was dope. berkeley all day with morgan, blaine and juiceteen. i didn't get to see hayley tho, since she lost her voice... but the show is postponed till the day after my BIRTHDAY and saturday all day at love evolution tho... CRACKIN.
heres some photos...

round two.

2009-09-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

lets try this one more time, i'm going to finally try to write everything down. to release those lost, confused thoughts out, and get time to relax and breathe.

this weekend has been in its worse, i thought almost opposite about a week ago, because i won't lie, i was overly juiced for this weekend. i thought i was going to be able to gig, and enjoy a different environment i haven't been to in a while... that was a fail. i thought i was going to get fucked up in a nice hotel room, with all the dressed up people, but it only lasted for like 3 hours because it was over cigarettes. i thought those shots and brownie would a put me in my place, but they actually tossed me around and made me be lost for the rest of the night.

this weekend, i couldn't believe the things i heard, the things i felt, and the things i never thought would of happened, happened. i got told i wasn't the best person out there, being stuck in denial and still pondering if everything is still a bit ify. i'm still lost, and gathering up your words. i'm going to repeat them over and over until i get it right, and i'm sorry for the way you feel, and to all the things i did to hurt you. this is will be all fixed... somehow.

i couldn't believe the feelings i felt, right when i heard your voice. i never want you to see the way i was that night. i felt pathetic and useless, and being in the state i was in, i didn't want to see anyone. the things i thought, and the things that was just screaming in my head.. what was i suppose to do? but the weirdest thing you were right next to me, pretty much making sure my existence wasn't going to waste. i'm still confused, and it makes the situation for me even more confusing. i'm back to almost stage one, and it sucks because all i can do is blame myself. even with all the confusion raging, thanks though...for taking care of me.

now i want a restart button, and i'm going to take this in a little different. i need to take time off, of my intense outings and relax one time. i hope i get to find a backbone, to help me realize theres still hope... and i hope this weekend can top last weekend... please. paramore & loveEvolution.

lost.

2009-09-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

i'm too confused right now, to even blog about anything.

blank.

2009-09-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

i wanted to blog away, but as i thought of all the thoughts i wanted to jog down,

... i caught myself again. i need to stop that now.

i think... you might be slightly missed.

2009-09-20T22:51:00.001-07:00

sitting here, being here, finally taking a break from this intense busy weekend is definitely is a breather. i'm lightweight tired, high, lost, and a tad bit confused.

friday night was exciting, going to blow up with over 15 people and plus meeting up with my cousin and his friends. i got to get rid of my dance crave and got to see a stupid show with people with giant egos. saturday, i basically function the day with only 3 tosin' and turin' hours, doing errans to attending jd's shindig. sunday, was filled with a couple hours of work, and going on a mission and getting blasted in vallejo, and i must agree... "how the hell do you do it? you never get any sleep."

so the weekend has been crackin', and chill, but with that said, alot more over floating thoughts have been hitting me also. i been upset about my poor spending habits down to that thing that was "the last thing on my mind."

i don't know what it is, or how do you do it. from the feeling of being completely frustrated and angry, to feeling akward and nervous butterflies, to the last feeling of being slightly missed. i don't know why till now, i'm still bipolar on the way i feel. i wish i could of took the time to tell you things thats been going on, the things i've witness and done, i want to show you it all. i need to also realize that i might be over thinking this, for all the countless hints for myself, i don't need to waste my time on something that doesn't matter anymore.

all i really do want, i think..... is the way were we were before things got complicated, to where feeling got developed.. to where we drove, sat and talked about things we kept in for so long. you know, the secrets you never want to repeat again.. i want to go back then and tell how much i think i made the risk worthy.. until we fast forward and knew it was too late.

eh.

2009-09-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

my brain is currently in a state of nonsense, doing the most of thinking over the top. thinking of the things currently happening, thinking about the hopeless past, thinking about how pathetic i might be doing, this whole entire time.

i feel like lately my mood has definitely has fallen then it ever has. i been doing so good, i've been looking forward, thinking positive as hell, doing things that has been keeping me satisfied all a long.. but for some reason i felt like its all been taken away.

i feel like i been let down, feeling like i'm doing something wrong but i don't even know where to begin. i hate feeling like this, i hate it even more for the fact i don't know where the fuck it came from. i guess for just those random nights, i was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

for the reason of being let down, the things people do makes me wonder over and over. i absolutely hate being lied to, just thinking of past unexpected lies makes me cringe, its one of my worse nightmares. when promises are broken, esp. the ones right in your face, oh man, shoot me already. all i ask is pure honesty, to keep the bond of our friendship for heaven sakes, to keep the words that came out of your mouth kept? then just do it.

yuck, please give me something to be proud of again.

all i want

2009-09-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

is a restart button.