and he..

picked, or not, i'll stay true to my word.

even with the harsh unbearable treatment,

i will always be here,

even if i'm the useless pedal picked off,

patiently laying alone on the dirty ground.

that will be the day

when i finally meet that person that will actually mean the world to me, and isn't like the rest, so damn far from the rest, they'll sweep me off of my feet.

and i shall be reminded what the hell friendship and love is, and that will be the day.

fuck my life.

i don't think i have be so vulnerable in such a long time. i seem to crack more easily now, even when the situation isn't that big of a deal. i'm sick of being so confused all the time, my mentality seems to change in a instant every second of the day. i always seem to wonder why the fuck you dare to do some of the shit you do.

you fucking make me sick to my stomach, and you fucking add up just like the other fuck up's that use to be part of my life. i never got the idea, why i always have to go through this.. yeah me. not her, not him, not anyone else. i always get so close and stuck to people, at the end it can back fire instantly. you surely can't trust no one anymore.

it was like yesterday you told me, i meant something to you. now, it seems like you don't even know i exist anymore, simply erased and dead... but you sure do seem to notice my friends and everyone else quite well. i feel so useless when this shit happens.

you claim this and that, talking so much shit.. honey, you need to take a long ass look at yourself, because all the shit you fucking complain about all the time, you do it ALL the time. example: "you are a hoe if you text all my niggas the same text", bitch you do the same shit, trying to get at my friends behind my back, sloppy move my dear. if you tried to call someone a hoe.. hah, that's funny, your the biggest hoe in the pack. i find it hilarious to know you believe they like you, or they even give a damn about you, they don't, so stop wasting your pathetic so called "game" on them.

you sure no how to make someone feel like a complete fucking useless pathetic piece of shit. i guess you win, you got me so wrapped up into you, i can't fucking find a way out it.

these are reasons why i said a million times before, why i never have the interest of falling for someone, to develop feelings, to even start giving a damn about someone, because i always get fucking hurt at the end. the feelings get wasted, my time is officially wasted, and for ever putting my all is just another big fucking waste.

someone please save me, before i officially go insane. & i think i finally got the guts to say this..

your going to end up just like your father.

reminder*

i'll keep reminding myself: you aren't worth it, anymore.

i'll keep reminding myself: you weren't worth it, anymore.

i'll keep reminding myself: you were never worth it, all this time.

"do you hate him?" "well at this point, hes making me"

i been staring blankly at this text box for over an hour, wondering what the hell to type next.. just kidding, i actually sat and stared at it for like 2 minutes and it seemed like a dying hour.

i haven't blogged in like forever for so many reasons: i have been busy, im never on the computer anymore, i either am too tired, too lazy, too high, just not in the mood, the reasons can be endless.

i haven't blogged since i took a week off at work to relax&enjoy my birthday week,my crackin' birthday party happened,

me being literally high everyday for the past 3 weeks, me finally turning nineteen,

drunk&high late night bowling, watching paramore,

and all that good shit. now that i'm back at work, i been working almost every day, getting new coworkers and new mangers.. i'm not looking forward for these busy days. [ wanna see more photos? check out my, myspace page. ]

i been confused lately, confused as in not knowing when will this never ending road of being confused, if wither i'm content with how everything is actually going. from shifting mentalities from believing i'm the happiest girl, to believing i been such a complete idiot this whole time. i never know if i'm ever in the right spot, if i'm either right or wrong. all these random things that comes up, is simply tiring, i just want them to stop. i'm sick of the position i always get put in, its like a never ending cycle of bullshit, everyone seems to put their share fair into it.

i hear all this blah blah suck up sob story, of how much they care for me, they oh so "love me", that they would never do this or that, and that list can go on for ages. this whole building up issues, being frustrated, jealousy and everything in between, it sucks. i hate being like that, especially when its a situation you can't even take in. i hate the fact, i try i so much, especially when most of it wasn't even my fault . i'm sick of your childish acts, the stupid shit you try to pull behind my back, never giving me the change to speak my mind, to even get a minute of your time, to just receive and have back the friendship/respect you gave to me so many months ago.

i feel like an idiot for even trying anymore, trying in general of making things better, for trying to be a good friend to everyone, and just trying to keep everyone satisfied. and for people that call themselves my "friend", then do me a favor and consider my feelings for once and if you aren't even close to being my "friend", do us both a favor and get that fake ass bullshit out of here.

^ i wish i can tell you this:

ps: just letting you know, if you want to play like that.. i can play the same game back.

2 more days.

its funny how people hit me up all of a sudden, telling me its been f-o-r-e-v-e-r, and that they "m-i-s-s m-e". oh man, you guys crack me up. within that time... that is apparently "fforreeeverrr", well tell me why haven't you hit me up earlier, since you apparently "missssssssssssssssss" me soooo much. xD

well you know what? just save us all time, i don't need you here up in my face telling me some sob story because i realized it hasn't and will never matter, especially on that day you left me.

on an important subject: i cannot wait for this weekend, thank you very much.
something you will not want to miss out on.

2 more days, then 1 more days after that. then i'm officially nineteen. i'm ready to party my ass off.

tres

3 more days you guys. 3 more fucking days.
and i still have hella shit to do, and i hope my plan will work out today.

playing god.

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

*5 more days and a whole lot of fucking shit to do.

and the countdown begins.

november, i've been waiting for you all year long and now you are finally here.

now to fix up the giant mess between a couple of people, and get to last minute planning. the days are coming up short, everything is starting to seem more complicated. from rememebering what i did wrong the past couple nights, and the thoughts thats been stuck in my head... its time to wake up and smell the coffee.

i'm ready for this hectic week, and down to party all month long.
november 7th. birthday. paramore. blowup. free clubs.

6 more days.